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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with exs family

38 replies

Confused95 · 04/07/2017 19:10

Hi just wondering aibu. I have 2 dc with ex ds 3 and dd 2 they havnt seen ex or his family since december and have now asked i start letting them take my children once a week. Id should add that it is ex fil seeking contact not ex. I have offered supervised contact to start so my children can rebuild a relationship while not feeling overwhelmed by exs family. Ex fil isnt agreeing with this and said i should just let him take dc to his house. The supervised contact would be a contact centre. I just feel it has been so long that my dc might not remember who he is. The reason dc no longer see ex family is because ex entered a new relationship and his new dp dose not want to deal with my dc and his family were to busy on days that suited to see dc

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 04/07/2017 19:18

Stick too your guns. He doesn't get to make the rules.

sykadelic · 04/07/2017 19:32

If he had any idea about children he would know that a 2 and 3 y/o could be very distressed by being "abandoned" by their mother with a person they barely know.

Would he agree to meet at, say, the park where the children could play? Or somewhere else non-threatening?

Moanyoldcow · 04/07/2017 19:44

You are not at all unreasonable.

Stick to your guns - I have no idea how he thinks 2 children with whom he has no relationship would be happy to go off with him.

youaredeluded · 04/07/2017 19:55

YANBU. I wouldn't let them near my kids alone either.

Justhadmyhaircut · 04/07/2017 19:57

They haven't bothered since December. . Tell them you are happy if they stay away. .

GreenTulips · 04/07/2017 19:58

And you have no idea who will be at his house either / just to add to the confusion

Your rules

Don't engage - contact center or nothing (to start with)

OnTheRise · 04/07/2017 19:59

Your children can't just be taken by someone they've not seen for months. They'd be upset and worried. If your FIL had any concern for their feelings he'd see that. Stick to your guns.

missymayhemsmum · 04/07/2017 20:05

If you are not concerned about the kids being safe in your care, and you and they can be polite to each other, why don't you arrange to meet somewhere? organise a trip out together? Go round their house for tea? Supervised contact centres are for kids at risk, not for kids whose grandparents are torn as to whether to support their dickhead son or maintain their relationship with their grandchildren.
Totally agree you shouldn't just drop them off, but in the long run it's worth a few uncomfortable meetings to rebuild a civil relationship so your kids grow up knowing their grandparents (and you have a willing babysitter)

Theresnonamesleft · 04/07/2017 20:15

Well considering grandparents don't have any rights, they haven't bothered for several months, to prove that he is serious he should be agreeing to supervised. He is a stranger to the children.
Supervised doesn't have to be in a contact centre, could be in a park, stay and play etc. I wouldn't be going to his house at the moment though. Initially, it would be somewhere mutual.

RandomMess · 04/07/2017 20:24

How do you generally find FIL??

If he was good with the DC then I would suggest that he visits them in your home every other day for an hour or so and then build up from then.

Potentially the in-laws could be a source of love and support and provide your DC with a loving grandparent relationship. Don't discount them and be hostile because they haven't been perfect in the past.

Obviously if there is some huge back story and you think they have some ulterior motive that's different. It could be they've realised that their son isn't going to bother with the DC so have decide to seek contact separately.

Original poster
Confused95 · 04/07/2017 20:31

I offered to take them to a soft play area to start but fil said i dont need to be there and im being unfair. I tried to explain to him that they might not remember him and feel scared and he told me im being silly. I wouldnt feel comfortable fil in my house as i had to get a non molestation order on ex and he dosent know my new address amd fil would tell him were i live. Atm it is all going threw solictors now and mine has advised to reoffer contact centre as it seems in the best intrest for dc.

OP posts:
sleepisnotoverrated · 04/07/2017 22:57

Tell them to get to fuck. Their feelings do not trump your DCs welfare

Brigante9 · 04/07/2017 23:11

Your ex-fil has zero rights to see your DC. Just tell him no. No way would I allow DC to be alone with him.

kazillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:23

Is he planning on taking them to your ex?

Original poster
Confused95 · 05/07/2017 13:17

Iv just had a text today if i dont let him see dc under his terms hes going to take me to court and in his words il be very sorry then.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 05/07/2017 13:20

Keep copies of your messages. Do t communicate by phone, keep it all written.

Drawward · 05/07/2017 13:31

I would be very surprised if you ex wasn't behind this. It sounds like he is getting his parents to arrange visits so he can go and see the children there without you or his new DP finding out about it. Keep all messages especially where you have offered meeting at park/soft play etc and contact centers and where FIL has refused these.

Singyourheartout · 05/07/2017 13:33

Op do you live in the U.K. As I'm pretty sure grandparents have no right over seeing grandchild.

justilou · 05/07/2017 13:39

Call the police. It's harassment. If you tell them you feel intimidated by these messages, they will have a word.

justilou · 05/07/2017 13:40

Btw, if ex is involved and lives overseas, perhaps they are considering taking your kids. I wouldn't trust them at all!

NicolasFlamel · 05/07/2017 13:44

I would ignore all communication from him now and send copies of everything to your solicitor. His threats are not acceptable.

aginghippy · 05/07/2017 13:48

Call the police on 101 and ask for their advice. I don't know if it would be harassment or some other offence, but that text is definitely threatening.

It's probably an empty threat, but if he did take you to court, he would first have to apply to the court to just ask permission to apply for a court order. As pp said, grandparents don't have a right to apply, they have to demonstrate that contact is in the children's best interests. If he were given that permission, then it would be another court process to ask for an order granting contact.

NellieFiveBellies · 05/07/2017 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2017 13:59

What would be good your children about having contact with these people? Anyone who threatens you isn't going to act in the best interests of your children. It sounds like you've been through a lot with your ex already. Protect yourself and your little family from anymore stress and hassle from people peddling their own agenda.

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 05/07/2017 14:18

Ignore the text, and any others. Keep copies for the solicitor. His threat was an empty one, but it's clearly a threat.

Stick to your guns. Contact centre or nothing.

Wishing you the best Thanks

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