to ask how you cope if you can't have children?

[ohbigdaddio]

Just that really...did you adopt? Or have you accepted it and has your life taken a new, fulfilling direction? Do you ever really get over it? Or are you still finding it difficult years later?

DH and I have been TTC for nearly a year and a half, got another negative pregnancy test result this morning, both feel very down and deflated and considering giving up. I feel really numb today and not sure what I want to do next.

Not sure we can cope with emotional highs and lows (well, mainly lows!) for much longer and it's all we think about.
Age is not on our side, I'm 38, approaching 39 so not really got time to have a break from it all. Next step would be IVF, obviously with no guarantees.

Would love to hear any positive thoughts on a child free life, especially if you really wanted children at one point.

I should add: I'm around 4 years out from the moment of realisation. I suspect it's really a long process of growing into a new reality and a new role - maybe a decade or more. I think it's probably not that you 'get over' it, like some kind of hill, but rather that you go around it, in a different direction that is shaped less and less by what it isn't. The first bit is the hardest because it feels like every step you take is defined by that negative. Lately, I've been finding it much easier. Counselling really helped very much.

'I am fighting hard not to become severely depressed'

Do not hesitate for a second to put your mental health and wellbeing first. Sanity and peace are precious things, and not worth sacrificing for anything in my experience

Heloise mentions counselling. I was in therapy for 7 years and could not recommend it highly enough. It may help enormously to talk through your feelings with a trained professional who has no agenda of their own

I too laughed (knowingly) at the eating Doritos and watching Love Island comment.

The need or expectation to do something "worthy" with your life or having to live "big" is interesting to me. I have struggled with the idea of how ordinary I am and how, without a family of my own, I am somehow worthless and my life somehow a bit hollow and meaningless. Maybe in part it is the legacy thing too.

Does anyone else worry about the next stages of being childless? Once I've navigated all the babies and young families I have the hurdle of watching my peers have grandchildren.

I'm already watching my peers have grandchildren, I'm glad for them but I don't envy them. I really don't want to be running around after babies and toddlers. I have had stressful times in my life and - apart from the fact that your looks start to fade - I much prefer middle age, I have more money and more time and I wouldn't really want to have to start doing childcare for grandchildren, which is often the case nowadays.

Perhaps I'm just different to a lot of people though. I never felt the desperate grief that some people on here seem to have done when they realised they wouldn't have children. I was sad but I kind of just accepted it as something I couldn't change - much like I would never live the life of the super rich or be a rock star. I think that this is perhaps because I have been ill and had the life I originally thought I'd have stripped from me when in my teens, so anything that came after that did not hurt as much. I survived that and built a happy life so I know you can move on from even the most difficult times.

Unmumsnetty hugs to all of us on here who have been through these times.

I think one of the biggest problems is that being childfree is a taboo, as is infertility.

I was incredibly open about my IVF as I didn't see any need to hide it. Why should I?
I'm lucky as many of my friends are childfree by choice, which is something I am seeing a lot of in my generation of 40 somethings. I think it will become more common.

I think that we need to change the way that we view women. There is still this underlying feeling that if you haven't had a baby then you are a little bit of a failure.
I liked this:
www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/woman-cannot-be-arsed-to-have-a-baby-20170221122535
and this:
www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/couple-reluctantly-having-baby-because-youre-meant-to-20170103119531

'i think it will become more common'

It is already. More and more women are reaching menopause without having children, for all sorts of reasons. Although you would never think it in our baby obsessed society

I love the Daily Mash!

Snickers I was completely open about IVF too, I'm not ashamed of not having children and I'm always honest about it. One of my closest friends is childfree by choice and she is the same.

There are so many inspiring comments on here, reading the thread I've got a lump in my throat.

Women who suffer infertility/miscarriage are a special kind of strong that the rest of the world doesn't understand 💗

When people give you anecdotes about someone they know, I think it is often because people just don't know what to say. It is one of those horrible topics that most cannot bear to imagine themselves in, so if they tell the person suffering that a fairytale ending can happen, somehow it may transfer to the person they're regaling it to...

A friend of mine told me after my second miscarriage that her auntie had 18 miscarriages before she had a baby...and even if you keep having them, you've agreed you want to adopt so it's alright. I was astonished and hurt, because with her off the cuff remark she expected me to just accept that I could potentially never carry my own child...but looking back I genuinely think she was just trying to make me feel better which is all these unhelpful remarks and stories ultimately are intended for.

I hope you find peace, wherever your path takes you OP x

Sometimes I long for a child free life

Fucking hell imagine posting that on a thread about struggling with infertility. Are you really that unaware??

Don't - me neither. I had watched my DM and cousins on my DF's side have problems with pregnancy, including TTC (cousins. I didn't watch my DPs TTC....), so I suppose I'd never automatically assumed I'd go on to have children. So when we got the news that we wouldn't, it didn't come as that much of a shock, if that makes sense, as I think subconsciously I'd half expected it somewhere in the back of my brain. And I'd never really been the most maternal of types, so although I was happy for friends, I never felt tugging at my heart when I held their babies.

Having said that, the unfairness of it all did grind my gears for a while after we got the diagnosis. And I still snarl at this unfairness when there are stories in the news about children killed by their parents...and we didn't get the chance to be parents. I think also it's the sympathy that irks me. We had a lot of 'oh, you're so brave' when we decided not to go for IVF or adoption. No, we're not brave, FFS - brave is standing up to a knife-wielding terrorist. We're just getting on with life.

Heloise, I'm 10 years on from you. It does fade because you get used to it, but also because the life you is live is more your choice to determine, if that makes sense. You're not living according to the school timetable or other commitments you have when you have children (unless you're a teacher of course) and so your choice is more open IMO. It becomes v much more about what's in it, than what's not, and the absence of worry about all sorts of things really can't be underestimated in terms of happiness levels.

I'm not bothered about when friends start having grandchildren tbh. If they do, they do. But a high proportion of our friends don't have any children, so it's not something which is going to impinge hugely on our lives.

I knew I needed to connect with people who were also childless, and found Gateway Women, a community for women at all stages of acceptance.

I also found meaning in studying for a new career.

I decided to focus on being able to travel & doing the things I couldn't do with children. I thought I would really start to live again after years of feeling 'paused'.

After 7 years & 4 losses (3 2nd tri) & being told I needed IVF due to unexplained infertility, I do now have a daughter. But I had come to that point where I knew I had to come to terms with a life without children.

A close friend ttc for many many years. She had health issues and was not a suitable candidate for IVF although they went through 3 cycles.

They decided to stop trying when she was in her early 30s. They had been trying 10 yrs. They found it. Dry hard to come to terms with it but she had lots of counselling and CBT and they ensured that their lives were busy. She said she never let weekends go unplanned. As a result it was very hard to find a time to meet.

She took on a new role at work and through herself into being an Aunt. She also had god children she concentrated on. I don't think it was easy for them at all and harder for her because she had other health issues.

They fill their life with activity and ensure they concentrate on their marriage. That is how they dealt with it.

I have friends who have done as follows

Just lived children free , got a dog and are happy
Another Made her peace with it and has a very full life
Another adopted two siblings
And there are many more

I don't wish to diminish your pain but I do want to reassure you that you can have a very good life without kids

But it does necessitate making peace with the situation.

Good luck

They're not 'perceived as insensitive', they are insensitive. A quick advance search reveals that you have children, which perhaps explains why this isn't glaringly obvious to you in the way it is to every person without children on this thread. Some rich people aren't happy, but I don't go around pointing that out to homeless people.

I will ask for my comment to be deleted and fuck off from this thread then

Love Island and chocolate hobnobs for me :) that comment made me smile!

I know the 'I wish I were child free actually ' posts are perceived as insensitive

They're perceived as insensitive because they are grossly insensitive

Would it be perceived as insensitive for someone to wander into a conversation amongst women who'd had mastectomies and say how lucky they were because having big boobs was such a pain. For example.

Or coming onto a thread for women with alopecia to say how much they wish they didn't have to worry about washing and styling their hair

"Women who suffer infertility/miscarriage are a special kind of strong that the rest of the world doesn't understand"

So patronising! How does infertility trump everything else?

missdoings I don't think that poster intended to imply that infertility is worse than anything in the world - more that it's a very specific and particular pain that most people (because they've been fortunate enough not to encounter it) don't understand or know how to deal with and generally find a bit uncomfortable. Society doesn't know how to talk about fertility so it's very very lonely.

It's one of those things that is hideous enough to deal with on its own but is then usually made worse by the world and his wife trying to give misguided advice, telling you other people's miracle pregnancy stories or playing the 'have you tried' game. I've been dealing with this for 5 years and I can count on one hand the number of friends/family who've simply said 'I'm so sorry, what can I do to help'.

"I do resent the snowflakes who make awkward situations at work when a baby is brought in by a colleague"

Well isn't that one of the nastiest things you could say on a thread like this? I am

If you've never known that pain, how can you judge?

I know the 'I wish I were child free actually ' posts are perceived as insensitive

Well it's a bit like eating a massive meal then saying to a starving person 'oh I wish I hadn't eaten so much, I'm stuffed'

We've suffered through secondary infertility for the last few years and know we are so lucky to have the one but it's so so painful non the less not being able to have the life you expected! Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is not s linear process though. You think you're ok then suddenly you see a baby bump and it knocks you sideways but I'm finding that pain less each time. Only you can decide how to deal with the situation and if you are really struggling I'd suggest therapy. It's so consuming but try hard to not let it define you. Don't put your life on hold waiting book the holiday, decorate the spare room research options.

My daughter adopted, and we have a beautiful and much loved granddaughter who enriches all our lives. The process was intrusive, the uncertainty was stressful, but the end result has been amazing.

OP I wish you well in whatever choice you make in the future.