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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find SILs smugness false and unbearable

31 replies

bloodorangesareyummy · 04/07/2017 09:54

I have 2 SILs who both have dc 10ish years younger than ours (they both met their DHs when they were in their late 30s). Younger SIL is great - very realistic and not show offy about dcs behaviour, we are mutually happy about good things that happen in each others lives and we just have a good healthy relationship and look forward to seeing each other. Other older SIL is incredibly smug about everything and always pointing out how well behaved and laid back her dc are (though EVERY TIME we see them they are moany and unkind to other SILs small dc but this is always justified by older SIL with some excuse). She frequently likes to point out that they eat everything and makes many references to this and lots of posts on Facebook of them eating some unusual food. My youngest dd is a fussy eater and she relishes this at get togethers which makes it uncomfortable. When we do something or buy something she has a better one and says so in a very patronising way. It is not just me who is irritated by her. DH and other SIL and her DH find her even worse than us. I'd love to not be wound up by her. She has such an air of superiority about her I'd love to put her down a peg or two and would have nothing to do with her if we weren't related. How would you deal with her?

OP posts:
Changedtocovermyass · 04/07/2017 10:01

I'd be (and am) very bored by someone like that. She's desperately covering up for her insecurities. Don't let her get to you and play her games. Practice you're disinterested face until you find it comes naturally.

MissionItsPossible · 04/07/2017 10:03

Bringing her down a peg would be satisfying but you would be stooping to her level and playing into her hands. I'd just act massively bored and yawn whenever she talks or just completely spark up a conversation with someone else as she's being smug to you and ignoring her.

LovelyBath77 · 04/07/2017 10:05

I would probably go for 'oh that must be wonderful, you must be so proud!' (OTT) but then am prone to sarcasm, I know it't a low form of wit. But sort of a way of dealing with it. Or I'd laugh and say oh mine only eat pizza, every day, even for breakfast, haha

2014newme · 04/07/2017 10:07

Minimal contact, Meet up with nice sil without her.
Do that fb thing where you are still friends but their posts don't pop up on your newsfeed.
Laugh and say you're so funny when she starts or walk away or change subject etc.
She sounds irritating rather than evil.

Birdsgottaf1y · 04/07/2017 10:07

""and her DH find her even worse than us"".

Are they still together? Is she suffering from an unhappy marriage?

Behaviour like that stems from insecurity or low self esteem, so challenge and have it out, you'll both feelbetter for it, or if it's just nastiness then it will shut her up.

The rest of it you laugh about, or ignore.

MangosteenSoda · 04/07/2017 10:08

Water off a duck's back. Small smile and nod. Don't engage in conversation about any of the smug topics.

You know it's silly, so don't let it upset you.

toooldforthisshirt37 · 04/07/2017 10:09

Other than being hugely obnoxious this woman is just insecure. If she feels the need to draw attention to her children's wonderfulness then they can't be that exceptional or it would be obvious, wouldn't it?

People who are truly happy don't feel the need to step on other people's achievments or put down their choices. She is a nest of unhappiness and discontent.

So your child is a fussy eater? So what? So her kids will eat squid stuffed with sauer kraut (?spelling)? So what? Does this make her a better mum than you? Em, no!

If her kids are unkind to the younger cousin then she needs called on it, and no excuses. Maybe just a little passive aggressive sympathy? "oh maybe Flossie doesn't understand sharing with the little one?" or "social skills are difficult for some children to learn, but you mustn't worry, they all learn eventually" all delivered with a well meaning smile and head tilt!

ginnystonic · 04/07/2017 10:14

Agree with PP that she is obnoxious and hugely insecure.

I'm not surprised her kids are unkind, as they witness her unkind behaviour towards family (and friends too probably)

Don't stoop to her level by trying to bring her down a peg, just smile and nod (and try to avoid her as much as possible)

She is trying to compete with you because she admires and envies you, take her digs as a compliment and don't let her get to you.

KeemaNaan · 04/07/2017 10:17

Nod and smile, nod and smile.

You won't be able to take her down a peg or two as she'll just ramp it up to prove to herself - and no one else - that she's just as good/better than anyone else.

She's either massively insecure and is projecting, or has the self awareness of a small mossy rock. Either way, the easiest way of dealing with it is ignoring her or laughing it off.

ellenripleysbiceps · 04/07/2017 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 04/07/2017 10:19

I agree. She's in competition because she sees you as a threat. She must admire you.
Smile and nod. Let her own the issue herself and have no part in it.

ChildishGambino · 04/07/2017 10:22

Just a thought but it sounds as if you're all sat around slagging her off. She probably senses this and is defending herself. Might be worth considering if you're being entirely kind here.

lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 10:22

Ugh, she sounds awful. And it's all very well people saying "rise above it, it's a compliment", but it's bloody grating when you're stuck with it, isn't it? Grin

Sometimes an effective strategy can be to switch the attention away from behaviours/things to underlying values/types. A pointed comment about a friend who brags too much and is making herself unpopular might not go amiss either!

toomuchtooold · 04/07/2017 10:25

I cannot be bothered with this stuff. My SIL is a bit like this - last time we visited she pointed into our car and laughed because there was mess in the back. One time she lifted DD1 to compare how heavy she was to DN2 who is about the same age. It occurred to me to say to her "if you're that hung up on the kid's weight, why don't you clear that entire shelf of your fridge that is given over to chocolate" but I don't want to start a fight with her as her kids and mine don't have any other cousins. She's really racist as well and is always posting those sort of "here's an elderly person who's just been refused a hip replacement while next door to her 10000 Romanian gypsies have moved in and are spending their benefits on champagne and caviar" things on Facebook. Sorry, I don't have any advice, I just wanted to commiserate Grin

littlebird7 · 04/07/2017 10:32

Don't see her, you don't have to just because you are related. Continue to see your other sil and see the other one in a very limited way pref with lots of other people to dilute her company and try very hard to limit your conversations with her. Easy

Coddiwomple · 04/07/2017 10:32

I would just over play it until she gets bored:

child a bit fussy "Oh my child does not eat ANYTHING ever, such a nightmare, such a sensitive soul, you are so lucky with yours." In a family reunion "oh my child is eating bread (or whatever) it's a miracle, he never eats ANYTHING normally, he is such a fussy eater"

trust me, it gets seriously boring.

She buys something better? No problem, "poor us, we are so poor, you are so LUCKY you can afford better things, I wish I wasn't so poor stuck with a fussy eater"

If you play it right, she should run a mile very soon.

LeannePerrins · 04/07/2017 10:34

YANBU as she sounds insufferable but as PP has said this clearly comes from dreadful insecurities. Try to turn your irritation into silent pity and then kill her with kindness. It's the only way to deal with people like that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/07/2017 10:40

How very tedious of her.
Remind her that good small children often turn into terrible teens so she should probably wait until her DC have turned adult and left home before trumpeting TOO loudly about how fabulous her parenting is.

Nanna50 · 04/07/2017 10:46

Perhaps your SIL may think that the four of you sound a little smug all being mutually happy, sneering and being irritated by her. Maybe she acts like the odd one out because that's how she's made to feel.

Perhaps she would have nothing to do with you if you weren't related but has to tolerate you and is actually attempting to bring you down a peg or two?

Rachel0Greep · 04/07/2017 10:46

I think that type of behaviour can stem from deep held insecurities. I have worked with people like that. I don't know what the answer is except let it flow like water off a duck's back.

Greyponcho · 04/07/2017 10:47

I'd be tempted to go with an "uh-hmm... Hmm ...is that so..?" each time she starts.
But that's me
not helpful Grin

If she's your SIL, why are you addressing it & not your DP?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/07/2017 10:50

Actually, I think this is a perfect opportunity to deal with it in classic MN style.

  1. Tilt you head as though you're expressing concern
  2. Nod your head as though you're agreeing with her (in fact you are just nodding along to the music that is playing in your head)
  3. If things get completely unbearable, come out with the nugget "Did you mean to be so rude?" while doing a combination of 1&2 above.

Perfect.

Let it roll off you like water off a ducks back!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/07/2017 11:02

EVERY TIME we see them they are moany and unkind to other SILs small dc but this is always justified by older SIL with some excuse

I would address this with her more than anything if you feel in the mood for confrontation.

ThomasRichard · 04/07/2017 11:06

Is she saying anything detrimental in earshot of your children? If so, pull her up on it and make it a point to praise your child. It might make you uncomfortable but your child will feel secure knowing that you have their back and are proud of them.

If she's just bragging and digging in a way that isn't obvious, let it wash over you and see as little of her as possible.

My ex-SIL is like this and trying to out-smart her yucky games made me very unhappy and not a very nice person. She isn't going to change so when I can't avoid her I make a point of saying nice things about her children and then smiling and nodding.

rightwhine · 04/07/2017 11:07

Turn it into a joke. If you start laughing at her silly behaviour - the more it happens, the funnier it will be, rather than it frustrating you. Secretly eyeroll each other and raise eyebrows and tick something else off the bingo card.

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