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Original poster

Karma got me good.

32 replies

Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 00:28

I know I am going to be slated over this so did a NC,
After my DP died I felt so low and this one friend was there for me, I knew he had children and that what he told me was just a friends relationship with his ex meant she stayed over as well with him but convinced myself there was no relationship as I wanted to be with him. This was over 2 years timespan.
It all blew up and she told him to go away, so he went from seeing his children for 2 long weekends a month to twice a year, she never stopped him seeing the kids, he just never bothered to visit them within 6 weeks he proposed, never got married and by 8 weeks he had moved in with me.

I thought I would get the lifestyle he had been living with her, always had money he was happy and kind towards her, he looked stunning and it was implied they had a good time,,,, if you know what I mean.
He had romanced me with flowers and meals out, acted like I was the bees knees, never pushed to take it further than I wanted...
Well he moved in and suddenly he let himself go, over 3 months it's like he isn't who he seemed, he was loving towards me, while she was cross, but the second she said she was Ok with us as a couple he became moody.

It gets worse, he lost his job and his health which I was shocked to find out about once he moved in, I am more his nurse now than his lover. Question is I am now so unhappy what do I do?

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 04/07/2017 00:33

Leave.

Theonethingididntwant · 04/07/2017 00:35

Say goodbye. You aren't happy. People make mistakes

Original poster
Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 00:41

Trouble is it's my house not his, he used to earn a lot of money and now we are both jobless.

OP posts:
LongLostCherub · 04/07/2017 00:49

He was using you to try and make her jealous, didn't work obviously and now you've got yourself a cocklodger. To be honest it sounds like you were more attracted to the image/lifestyle he projected than to him as a person anyway so you'd birth probably be better off apart. I'd be asking him to leave and chalking this one up to experience.

LongLostCherub · 04/07/2017 00:49

Both not birth.

Slimthistime · 04/07/2017 00:57

I find this a bit confusing

do you think he put up a false front to be with you? Are you sure he had a good earning job by the way - or did the money come from her?

What's behind your reluctance to ask him to leave - is it his illness? And you didn't get married, is that correct?

Thing is, if he put up a front to become a cocklodger, I have no sympathy for him, just ask him to leave. If it's more a case of "his life went wrong and he got ill" then you are still not obliged to have a relationship with him, you can ask him to move out anyway but support him as a friend.

sorry but your post is confusing so it's hard to say. Is he not seeing his children because he can't be bothered? Doesn't sound like a nice guy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 01:08

She was ok with you two as a couple because you saved her from being his nurse, so in that respect, yet Karma really has got you.

The question is what do you do now?

Its your house so he leaves. You are both jobless (why are you jobless? Maybe we can help with advice on how to get back into your chosen career) but his lack of work is not your problem. Let Karma take another step along the road by delivering him what he deserves for cheating on his wife by taking advantage of a vulnerable grieving woman. I am no OW apologist believe me, but while what you did was wrong, what he did was more wrong.

Kick him to the kerb and get yourself into counselling to make sure that you dont make the same mistake again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/07/2017 01:13

Get rid of him then.

LogicalPsycho · 04/07/2017 01:22

Stick your foot so far up his arse he can taste the boot leather.

Atenco · 04/07/2017 01:24

I agree with everyone else, time to tell him to leave.

CaretakerToNuns · 04/07/2017 01:49

Chuck him out onto the street and sever all contact.

Original poster
Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 01:56

I did find out she ended it when she found out he had taken me out for dinner , yes he did have the job 50K a year. As far as I can tell he gave her a few hundred a month for the children and it was a case of he paid his bills she paid hers.
I really fell in love with who he was before he moved in, and thought we dated we didn't do more than kiss till he moved in, I missed being in a relationship and was shocked to find out he couldn't really do much in the bedroom department. I feel I was cheated really.. false advertising.
I find it really hard to kick someone when they are down, and seem to find myself doing all sorts for him, even when i know I shouldn't. How do I go about kicking him out when he will be homeless.

OP posts:
Rinkydinkypink · 04/07/2017 02:06

You need to also build yourself up. Any chance you could find a job or give yourself something new to do to improve your situation.

Original poster
Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 02:25

I don't have many friends, and he was a good friend once.

But I was alone for 3 years after DP died, and no one else even looked at me, I am down as carer for X and he gets some pension, I have tried to find work but never seem to get the job, so just can't see a way forward.

I watch his ex with the children and she seems so happy, she even paid for us all to have a meal together the last time she visited, she is a really nice lady who adores her children and tries to keep him in the childrens lifes, as she says they only have one dad. I asked her why she hasn't got a new partner as I thought she wanted him back, she laughed and said no. I won him he is mine now and that she is happy to enjoy being a mom without a bloke telling he what to do and that I did her a favour taking him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2017 02:27

I'm not real sure about exactly where his relationship with his ex was when the two of you got involved, but the bottom line is you don't owe him shit. Kick him out.

You BOTH made your beds and you BOTH need to lie in them. But they should be separate beds houses.

I'm not saying you were right in taking up with this man if he was still involved with his children's mother, but bottom line is that HE made the decision to cheat and he needs to live with it.

Original poster
Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 02:27

I just wanted her happy life, with children, but now I think I am past having children of my own. and karma has stuck me with someone ill, and no perks.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2017 02:31

as I thought she wanted him back, she laughed and said no. I won him he is mine now and that she is happy to enjoy being a mom without a bloke telling he what to do and that I did her a favour taking him.

I'll bet!!! She sees the wreck he's become and I'm sure she's glad she's not the one supporting him financially and being his full time nurse, too! She probably thinks she's had a lucky escape! (I would)

Original poster
Whodoesthis17 · 04/07/2017 02:34

Based on what I now know they shared a bed, but it was almost sexless becasue he can't do it.
He had his wages and just gave her a couple of hundred a month.
She did love him till she found out he had taken me out for quiet a few meals.
She had her own house in another county and visited.
I feel like I was romanced by an expert and now he lives with me he doesn't make any effort.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2017 02:41

I feel like I was romanced by an expert and now he lives with me he doesn't make any effort.

I agree, you were. She had probably already figured out he was a cocklodger but she was happy to continue on with him as long as he wasn't living with her. She had the benefit of 'being a couple' without the hassle of dealing with him day to day. Cocklodging to me isn't always about just money. It's also about someone sitting on their arse and not contributing to housework and family life. Like he is now with you.

Why don't you ask/tell him to leave? If it's money, then I'd rather get in a real lodger who will pay me real money.

PeaFaceMcgee · 04/07/2017 02:42

If you don't love him, ask him to leave. What happens to him next is none of your business. Grow a backbone and take your life back.

Pengggwn · 04/07/2017 02:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 03:51

So what if he becomes homeless?! People like this rely on the kindness of others, its how they get through life.

I am certain that his ex is thrilled you took him off her hands, look at the "prize" you won.

Kick him out and block him on your phone, email and anything else you can. Its about time he faced the consequences of his actions. And FWIW, I suspect that you and his ex will probably have a much longer relationship than either of you had with him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/07/2017 03:53

And again.....get yourself to counselling to sort out why you thought that the best route to happiness was to set your cap at another womans shitty husband.

LogicalPsycho · 04/07/2017 10:47

I expect his Ex Wife feels like she lost a penny and found a pound, no wonder she's happy!
If she's had to live a sexless life with no intimacy and just lumping it 'for the kids', you did her a huge favour.

But, that doesn't mean you are stuck with him. You don't owe him a damn thing.

But since we're talking about Karma...where is his? Because from what I can see, he's gone from one cushy situation with his poor wife, into another cushy situation cocklodging with you.

You really, really should make him leave.

LogicalPsycho · 04/07/2017 10:55

Sorry to be crass, but essentially he's Cocklodging, without the cock.

That is all that really separates a lodger and a lover, or a Housemate and a Husband. You have sex with one, not the other.
And you don't even have that?
You've become the unpaid carer for a flatmate who essentially lulled you into a false sense of security.

You'd be a fool to continue this farce. Get him out of your life, have some counselling if you think it would benefit you, and move on.
Lets face it, from a romantic perspective, the only way really is up. Good luck Flowers