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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to reply to this message?

38 replies

Trixiebelle16 · 03/07/2017 18:44

Had a text off my cousin which presumably has been copied to others saying that because her hours have been reduced at work, she will only be getting Christmas and birthday presents for her own children this year and not anyone else's. The text then went on to describe all her problems in great detail.

It was a bit of a bizarre text, I wasn't even thinking of Christmas yet. Does that mean she still wants us to buy for her kids? I was out of work for a few years and still got little gifts for family children but if I couldn't have afforded to I wouldn't have made some blanket announcement - I would feel a bit rude to assume that others are expecting presents from me and that my situation is any tougher than anyone else's.

Perhaps I'm being unreasonable and this is what people do now but not sure I'm meant to respond?!

OP posts:

Jingleboom · 03/07/2017 19:05

She sounds stressed and in need of a vent. Christmas worries in July must be living hell! If I were her, I'd appreciate a bottle of wine and a whinge with my cousin
Clear out the old 'my life is shit' cobwebs

Smitff · 03/07/2017 19:10

She's obviously stressing about money. I'd hear her out, let her know you have no expectations etc

booellesmum · 03/07/2017 19:10

She's stressed and justifying what she has said so you don't think she's just being tight.
Just say it's not a problem and glad she let you know. Then tell her you hope she's ok and to let you know if there is anything you can do. Offer to buy her a coffee so you can have a proper natter.

Original poster

Trixiebelle16 · 03/07/2017 19:11

Yeah it did seem like just venting. I'm dreading Christmas too - I do every year because I can't afford it but I never felt I had this kind of "opt out" option.

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 03/07/2017 19:12

Well if money is tight all round how about you suggest that from now on everyone does cards for birthday and Christmas and that instead everyone chips in for a driving lessons as each kid gets to 17?

firsttimemum15 · 03/07/2017 19:13

I wpuld think its exactly the opposite. Is she letting you know so that those who start buying for christmass early dont buy her kids something.

It would be awkeard if she said somethung in Nov/Dec and people had bought something and she didnt want thwm to. If people get her children somethung she will feel obliged to buy bk

maras2 · 03/07/2017 19:16

Good post jingleboom

Pengggwn · 03/07/2017 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottaf1y · 03/07/2017 19:17

We are discussing Christmas in our family, because half of us don't want to exchange gifts. It's all become a bit pointless.

In her case it's because of money, which is even more of a valid reason to stop the present buying.

It isn't rude, to presume that people will buy gifts for your children, or you would be expected to reciprocate, if that's the norm .

To stop any disappointments or ill feeling on the day, now is the time to make "a blanket announcement".

jo10000 · 03/07/2017 19:18

My sister did this one year, I think it's to give you the option of not buying her family anything if you want to go that route. I bought anyway and even when I was hard up I found creative, cheap, solutions, but there's no hard feelings for the people who can't buy, it must be quite embarrassing to have to admit it.

Birdsgottaf1y · 03/07/2017 19:19

""I'm dreading Christmas too - I do every year because I can't afford it but I never felt I had this kind of "opt out" option.""

Everyone has this opt out option as long as they let everyone know and don't expect anything.

bluegreenandgold · 03/07/2017 19:20

Christmas needs fucking banning, it really does. Great for the shops, because people feel, like the OP, there's no other option than to buy overpriced shite for people.

Isadora2007 · 03/07/2017 19:20

Maybe you can now use this to also be honest with those around you and save yourself the worry and money?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 03/07/2017 19:23

but I never felt I had this kind of "opt out" option

Well, maybe you should. No point in going hungry in order to give someone other than your own kids a present.

Deemail · 03/07/2017 19:23

She's also including birthdays so it makes sense to say it now rather than wait until Christmas.

Good for her, I'm sure that wasn't an easy message to send but if she can't afford it, it would be silly to spend money she can't afford.
It's a pity though she didn't ask others not to buy for her children either.
If you'd like to stop the present giving use this as your opportunity.

AudacityJones · 03/07/2017 19:26

Isn't this a great opportunity all around? I'd reply saying something like I hear you! We'd still like to send the kids a card, and you're right that it's probably best to stop exchanging presents all around. And then some generic moving on to what else is up with her.

You want to manage expectations to ensure it's a two-way street : i.e. No one is expecting presents without giving any etc. And you want to let her feel like it's a sensible decision

JustMumNowNotMe · 03/07/2017 19:29

Me and my siblings stopped buying stuff for eaxh others kids at Christmas years ago. They get so much stuff as it is, we all decided it was unnecessary. We have a £20 limit for birthday gifts for the kids too, and just get each other a card.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 03/07/2017 19:31

We send cards to cousins but no presents. We buy for my niece and nephew, brother and sil, parents and pil and that's it. You end up spending a fortune otherwise! I think she's being quite reasonable and it must have taken a lot for her to say it.

harderandharder2breathe · 03/07/2017 19:35

Every year on here people post about people who have decided not to do gifts and not announced it til Christmas Eve... thus ensuring they still receive plenty of gifts!

She's telling everyone now so no one buys for her family and then gets pissed off when it's not reciprocated. It's a very sensible thing to do!

If you want to get something small then do but make it clear you don't expect anything in return.

missiondecision · 03/07/2017 19:38

Have you realised it's July!
Why oh why are we having Christmas discussions already?

Anyway.
I would assume you do not need to get gifts.
Although gifts should not be reciprocal ... everyone knows they are really.

littlebird7 · 03/07/2017 19:39

If she is already stressing about christmas she must be seriously in debt and very worried. She has felt the need to justify her message with a long explanation, she is in no way comparing her situation to anyone else.

I would send the most caring and reassuring reply, and one of understanding. Why not agree that the children will make each other a gift this year to exchange rather than buying more stuff. Handmade presents are often the best, and she can use anything at home to do this.

Don't fall out over this, she must be so stressed already. I would be inviting my cousin over for lunch/day out of something nice if she was in this position.

luckylucky24 · 03/07/2017 19:41

"Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. We are happy not to exchange gifts between kids this year as have struggled ourselves the last few xmas'."

Leeds2 · 03/07/2017 19:43

I would just say "thanks for letting me know" and be grateful.

Don't buy her/her DC presents as she will end up feeling guilty.

If you visit her over Christmas, take a bottle of wine, mince pies etc without making a big deal of it.

Poor woman sounds very stressed.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 03/07/2017 19:44

Presumably she sent the text now because it includes birthday presents, not just Christmas.

queenofthebored · 03/07/2017 19:47

I would reply - Please don't worry, times are tough and we've all been there at some point. Take care of yourself and if you need a chat give me a call.

She is clearly stressed and depressed and wants to make it clear why gifts wont happen so there are no misunderstandings as to why this is

I don't know how close you are but the woman is clearly in need of a drink - either coffee or alcohol so I'd invite her round/take her out or drop round with a bottle.

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