To not attend a wedding I've already said I'm attending?

[Yvetteballs]

Reasons I should go:

I've already sent rsvp for myself and my daughter
It will make things easier for MIL
I have a dress
It will be pleasant and I don't minspd chatting away to people I don't know.

Reasons to cancel:

Already annoyed that I got a save the date card for the wedding then only got an evening invite. I don't mind an evening invite but the std card was misleading and led me to buy a dress I didn't need, too far in advance to return it.
I originally agreed to go because if I hadn't, MIL wouldn't have gone alone, which would have upset wedding family.
I'm only invited because I'm the partner of a family member who actually can't go himself due to ill health.
MIL is invited to the full thing. She's persuaded me to also attend the service and pay for my own meal at the wedding breakfast. I'd have to pay more for the wedding catering food than I'd have to pay for the pub lunch but can't have the normal pub lunch as I'm seated with the wedding party.
DD is very very quiet and will struggle all day.
MIL is putting pressure on me to get ill dp to go so that she won't be embarrassed that he's not there.bshe thinks I'm not making enough effort to get him to go.

So, the MIL pressure is the last straw. It's not me they want there, it's dp who can't go. I'm thinking of politely cancelling, maybe referring to DD's shyness/social anxiety and acting as MIL' S chauffeur. I'd need to drive her there, 1.5 hours and pick her up the next day. Will I be wrong to do this?

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

I wouldn't go, end of.
Is there anyone else who MIL could possibly ride along with, save you the job etc..?

[Dibbles1967]

Pay for your own meal?!

Absolutely cancel. For all the reasons you said & because that is a sodding nerve.

MIL can make other arrangements for transport.

Just tell them DD is becoming increasingly anxious & you must put her health first.

[Yvetteballs]

Have spoken to dp and asked him to contact her before I make any changes to the arrangements. I want to know if she'll be more embarrassed about his non attendance with me and DD there, or with me and DD absent.

Will go with what DD wants so we'll either not go at all( and I'll just chauffeur MIL) or will miss the lunch bit and treat it as a day out with a party at the end.

Thanks for reply suggestions all.

[sodablackcurrant]

If you REALLY wanted to be there you would. So decline. MIL will be fine.

Weddings can be the cause of so much grief and hassle.

I wish marriages were just A and B and two witnesses by law. No one else.

I am odd though. But maybe I am not, and am saying what many think!

[Bizzysocks]

I don't get why you booked lunch when you and your DD want enjoy it.

I think as you have accepted it would be rude not to go and you would also be letting MIL down.

I would cancel the lunch. Drop MIL off and go for a nice day out with DD, then go to the evening do.

[pigsDOfly]

God that sound like a lot of expense and faff for something you don't actually want to go to.

In your shoes I'd cancel, I'm sure MIL will be fine on her own.

[InThisTogether]

It makes me sad to think that people would have been at our wedding if they didn't want to be there.
Please don't go if you don't want to, it's supposed to be a day of love, not politics.

[Yvetteballs]

We booked lunch because MIL wanted us to be with her at every point. I felt a bit pressured but did it for her. In retrospect, I realise she was hoping dp would be there too.

[Yvetteballs]

And it's not so much that I don't want to be there, more that I do t want to sit there feeling awkward as the plus one without the person the invite was meant for.

[EthelsDisco]

'It makes me sad to think that people would have been at our wedding if they didn't want to be there'

That's the point though, the op wasn't invited to the day do. Her mil has persuaded to go and be a kind of hanger on, paying for her own food. Its just cringeworthy op so please no need for excuses, just bow out gracefully.

[StealthPolarBear]

How on earth could that even work? What if you wanted a starter or a dessert? What if yours doesn't come out at the same time or you want to send it back?

[BertrandRussell]

Is mil in denial about her son's illness? Did she think that once he knew you and dd were going he would too?

[yomellamoHelly]

Cancel the whole thing. MIL has a month to sort out alternative transport and will be fine. Acting as a taxi service is ridiculous.

[GabsAlot]

weird they wanted dp to go but now you are and paying for your own meal

hav u already paid?

sorry if its personal but is dp seriously ill why is his dm not believing he cant come

[GabsAlot]

sorry x post

[Yvetteballs]

He has a severe back problem. If he goes anywhere, he needs days to recover. MIL occasionally reads articles in things like Bella magazine about people who have had surgery and recovered. She doesn't understand that his back issue can't be treated in this way. She understands when he explains it, but then forgets and again thinks he will be ok.

I think MIL has been guilty of putting on the pressure, but she's not been tight fisted. She will happily pay for our meal, but I wouldn't want her to anyway.

[Yvetteballs]

Yes, you're right Bertrand Russell, she did.

[errorofjudgement]

I find it very odd that the mother of the bride would suggest you book separately to eat with the wedding party. Is it possible she meant you could book to eat at the pub but in a separate area, e.g. The bar/restaurant rather than where the wedding party is booked?
I'm guessing the bride has had to rearrange seating plans now too, and what about drinks for the toast etc? Will you be included in these? Odd if not, but a bit awkward otherwise.
Given all that you've stated, if it were me, I would take your MIL to the service, stay for wedding ceremony (at the back) then discreetly slip away- and see if MIL can arrange to make her own way home next day.

[Yvetteballs]

Yes errorofjudgement, the idea was that we could book to be at the pub in a separate area (several other evening do people were going to do the same) which was why I thought the pub then had a big cheek to say that for their convenience we needed to book from the wedding menu.

[Blondielongie]

Just cancel, cancel and send the wedding present (money) in a nice card asap so that's out of the way. Or speak to the bride herself and tell her you cant come, its her wedding not MIL's! I've done similar this Summer as the wedding is a 4 hour drive away and It's the weekend after I start a new job, and they did not mind.

[errorofjudgement]

Yvetteballs earlier you said you ARE sitting with the wedding party, is that not the case?

[honeysucklejasmine]

I'm so confused by the meal. I don't get how the pub can tell the bride that not only will you be eating the wedding menu, but you'll be sat with them too.

If you are sat as part of the wedding then seating plans will have changed etc and it will be a pita for the bride.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

How far away is it? I'd go for the evening bit only if it isn't too far to do that.

[BrexitSucks]

How old is your DD?
Sometimes it's a good thing to do things we won't enjoy, good to push our comfort boundaries. I don't know if that is situation for your DD.

Won't the dress be even more of a waste of money if you don't go at all?