To not attend a wedding I've already said I'm attending?

[Yvetteballs]

Reasons I should go:

I've already sent rsvp for myself and my daughter
It will make things easier for MIL
I have a dress
It will be pleasant and I don't minspd chatting away to people I don't know.

Reasons to cancel:

Already annoyed that I got a save the date card for the wedding then only got an evening invite. I don't mind an evening invite but the std card was misleading and led me to buy a dress I didn't need, too far in advance to return it.
I originally agreed to go because if I hadn't, MIL wouldn't have gone alone, which would have upset wedding family.
I'm only invited because I'm the partner of a family member who actually can't go himself due to ill health.
MIL is invited to the full thing. She's persuaded me to also attend the service and pay for my own meal at the wedding breakfast. I'd have to pay more for the wedding catering food than I'd have to pay for the pub lunch but can't have the normal pub lunch as I'm seated with the wedding party.
DD is very very quiet and will struggle all day.
MIL is putting pressure on me to get ill dp to go so that she won't be embarrassed that he's not there.bshe thinks I'm not making enough effort to get him to go.

So, the MIL pressure is the last straw. It's not me they want there, it's dp who can't go. I'm thinking of politely cancelling, maybe referring to DD's shyness/social anxiety and acting as MIL' S chauffeur. I'd need to drive her there, 1.5 hours and pick her up the next day. Will I be wrong to do this?

[livefornaps]

Oh, god. Just say no. Feel.no guilt. Sounds like an (expensive) nightmare for you and your daughter. Who the hell does your mother in law think she is?? She'll know loads of people but wants you there all day with her?! Forget that. Save your dress for another occasion. Sounds like a shitshow. And that was downright rude sending you a std card but making you pay for your own dinner! Fucking ridiculous.

[Yvetteballs]

Not 'sitting part' sorry 'sitting apart.'

[Yvetteballs]

MIL is early 80s so I would like to help her out even if I don't end up attending myself.

[Yvetteballs]

re: the wedding breakfast, errorofjusdgement, I think we're sitting part from the guests but in the same sitting timewise.

[ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing]

Nop! Do not feel guilty!! Reads like your MIL is treating you like an old school 'lady's companion' you get to ferry her there, not actually be part of the meal and ferry her home after! If it's DH side of the family, is there REALLY no one she can travel with?

[MiniAlphaBravo]

Your mil is a grown woman. If she doesn't want to go alone she doesn't have to. You certainly shouldn't go to the wedding breakfast and service which you weren't invited to. I would think you were very strange and a bit rude if I were the bride (sorry).

[StealthPolarBear]

Really wish people would stop calling them std cards :o
I always imagine they open with "were you intimate with xxx between October 2009 and match 2010? Call the number below and STOP SCRATCHING"

[Upsy1981]

Do people really send STD cards to evening guests?

[indigox]

I wouldn't go, they don't even want you there.

[MyPatronusIsAUnicorn]

Blimey I wouldn't have let it get as far as this. As soon as an evening invite came through for a wedding that wasn't local, that would have been it for me. Can't your MIL make other transport arrangements? Doing a long round trip for something you aren't even attending is daft plus it will look suspicious because you are pulling out for a 'reason'.

[WanderingTrolley1]

I'd cancel asap. It's madness!

[seven201]

Pull out. The whole paying for your own meal and sitting with everyone else (if I've understood that correctly?) is very cringeworthy. But... do it soon before they make the seating plan etc.

[BrexitSucks]

How old is your DD?
Sometimes it's a good thing to do things we won't enjoy, good to push our comfort boundaries. I don't know if that is situation for your DD.

Won't the dress be even more of a waste of money if you don't go at all?

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

How far away is it? I'd go for the evening bit only if it isn't too far to do that.

[honeysucklejasmine]

I'm so confused by the meal. I don't get how the pub can tell the bride that not only will you be eating the wedding menu, but you'll be sat with them too.

If you are sat as part of the wedding then seating plans will have changed etc and it will be a pita for the bride.

[errorofjudgement]

Yvetteballs earlier you said you ARE sitting with the wedding party, is that not the case?

[Blondielongie]

Just cancel, cancel and send the wedding present (money) in a nice card asap so that's out of the way. Or speak to the bride herself and tell her you cant come, its her wedding not MIL's! I've done similar this Summer as the wedding is a 4 hour drive away and It's the weekend after I start a new job, and they did not mind.

[Yvetteballs]

Yes errorofjudgement, the idea was that we could book to be at the pub in a separate area (several other evening do people were going to do the same) which was why I thought the pub then had a big cheek to say that for their convenience we needed to book from the wedding menu.

[errorofjudgement]

I find it very odd that the mother of the bride would suggest you book separately to eat with the wedding party. Is it possible she meant you could book to eat at the pub but in a separate area, e.g. The bar/restaurant rather than where the wedding party is booked?
I'm guessing the bride has had to rearrange seating plans now too, and what about drinks for the toast etc? Will you be included in these? Odd if not, but a bit awkward otherwise.
Given all that you've stated, if it were me, I would take your MIL to the service, stay for wedding ceremony (at the back) then discreetly slip away- and see if MIL can arrange to make her own way home next day.

[Yvetteballs]

Yes, you're right Bertrand Russell, she did.

[Yvetteballs]

He has a severe back problem. If he goes anywhere, he needs days to recover. MIL occasionally reads articles in things like Bella magazine about people who have had surgery and recovered. She doesn't understand that his back issue can't be treated in this way. She understands when he explains it, but then forgets and again thinks he will be ok.

I think MIL has been guilty of putting on the pressure, but she's not been tight fisted. She will happily pay for our meal, but I wouldn't want her to anyway.

[GabsAlot]

sorry x post

[GabsAlot]

weird they wanted dp to go but now you are and paying for your own meal

hav u already paid?

sorry if its personal but is dp seriously ill why is his dm not believing he cant come

[yomellamoHelly]

Cancel the whole thing. MIL has a month to sort out alternative transport and will be fine. Acting as a taxi service is ridiculous.