To ask if anyone does 'non-violent communication' Marshall Rosenberg method...

[Todayisanotherday]

and can help me work something out.

I'm not sure what Marshall Rosenberg is but I communicate every day non violently..? I assume the majority of people do?

Ok a quick google (I should have done this first before replying!) gave this link: www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm

Yes I do- part of my ongoing AP.

I have teenagers.

Our home is peaceful, we have respect for each other, rarely a word ever spoken in anger.
I have never punished.

Thanks addicted. I am 'learning' to use this method but not quite there yet.
I have a conflict with another parent (re. bullying etc). We had a 'discussion' where I completely broke every rule of good communication and completely fell to pieces. I think it will be extremely difficult for me to to discuss anything with this woman and resolve the issues (have been ongoing for several years and resulted in my ds suffering psychological and mental stress and trauma) but I would like to try to talk to her again - maybe because it would make me feel better. Trying to work the problem out by supporting my DS and getting him to react better in stressful situation with this child.

Thanks Cailleach666. It is starting to work quite well with the kids and at home. DH isn't doing the course though so communicating to him how it works is quite difficult.... makes it a double challenge to apply it properly

today- I have never explained it to OH- or my teenagers, it has just been absorbed.
I started practicing this way of communication and it works so well that we all practice it. Simply by modelling then it is noticed, and it makes for such pleasant family life.

My teenagers practice it too- it's simply the way they have been raised, they practice it with other family members, at school, with friends.
They haven't read a thing about it, and probably wouldn't even know the term if I asked them.

Never heard of it before, but sounds very like what many of us probably do instinctively or because we have been told it is good manners.

The only problem I have found is that getting too hung up on the rules and good manners can backfire if dealing with outsiders who have no intention on listening to you because their agenda depends on steam-rolling you. In a situation that seems perhaps vaguely similar to that described by the OP, I found that the only thing that ultimately got results was the firm no-nonsense approach of : "This is not about what you would be willing to do; it is about what the law requires you to do and if you do not do it, you will be looking at legal action".

Obviously, once you have got to that stage, you have burnt all bridges as far as understanding each other is concerned, so it's a question of identifying when you are willing to put that match to the bridge head. Probably never as far as your own children are concerned, hopefully never when it comes to your spouse, but there may be times in a work situation or other situation where it really is the only thing to do.

How did you come across it? Most of the popular parenting books and methods teach something that conflicts with it. It quite new to me and will take a while before the rest of the family really take it on board. I have noticed a change though. Up until now I/we have muddled through trying out lots of different parenting styles (often just ended up shouting at the kids out of frustration). Done loads of parenting courses and this is the first time I feel as if I have found something that makes sense and can work.

Failed miserably to use it with this other mother though. My anger has built up over several years - me knowing I am not capable of successfully communicating with this woman, I have avoided it - until this week it was unavoidable, although I tried to tell her it was bad timing for me and tried to walk away.

Cory, I don't think it is what people do instinctively. For me is goes quite against what I do instinctively - because of upbringing, life experiences, the way society is.

cory- dealing with outsiders who have no intention on listening to you because their agenda depends on steam-rolling you.

NVC doesn't mean you have to be a walk over.

You can be very strong and assertive and still practice NVC.

I came across NVC though my dealings with La Leche League.
I started going to groups when I was breastfeeding, studied and qualified as a breastfeeding counsellor myself.
Lots of others within the organisation ( including lots of parents I met from the US and Canada) were practicing AP and NVC.

It is exactly because I felt steamrolled by this woman that I want to be able to use NVC next time I talk to her - to avoid being steamrolled again. NVC is very powerful and empowering.

Caille - tips on how to keep a grip on my emotions? The way she communicated with me was very V (she approached me) and I reciprocated - partly because everytime I opened my mouth she cut me off but mostly because I was upset because my ds came home with a footmark in his face the day before.

Sounds horrible, very much understand that you need to have your wits about you when dealing with her. Hope it goes well, OP.

Cailleach666 Can I ask what AP is please? Also any good resources anyone can recommend on this?

AP is attachment parenting

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting

Not everyones style, but has been great for my family.

I teach it as part of the work I do.
It's the pure observation (without interpretation into opinion) thst most people found most difficult.
Do it with my kids as well, although the 15 year old has started using it on me!

It's the pure observation (without interpretation into opinion) thst most people found most difficult.

Can you explain more?

Pressuming AP is meant to be attachment parenting.

I have never used the exact style of nvc speach patterns but generally apply the philosophy behind it. I like the ideas behind it, removing good or bad judgement from language as i have never responded well to this personally. Growing up in trust, parenting without reward or punishment is more practical way to put it into action with young kids ime. Respectful parents respectful children, unconditional parenting, playful parenting are other helpful books (the latter preferable) and aha parenting website is pretty useful. I don't adhere to any of it strictly though and go with what works practically for my disabled children (and the explosive child is an excellent read for this imo).

If someone talks over me repeatedly just saying like I was saying repeatedly or simply pointing out how they interupt works fine. Not very nvc but practical. If there are bullying issues you should be letting the school know, they have a duty to safe guard your child. If it's not within school I would look at your boundaries, meaning you can't make other people hear you and no matter how you use nvc if the other person isn't willing to hear you then you need to look at what you are willing to accept or when you will be involving the police, and state that clearly. Imo a foot print on my dc and I'd be calling the police.

Cory nvc is used in crisis interventions and hostage negotiations world wide. It's not about being a walk over.

It's basically a feedback methodology. It's saying what you see not your interpretation.

So with a teenager (potentially) it might be
When you slammed the front door loudly so the house shook
Not
When you went off in a strop (your opinion of their behaviour) and slammed the door because your were angry ( again interpretation).

It is then followed by emotional impact
So you would say
I felt angry
And particularly not say - You made me angry...
So it moves away from blaming

The model is
Observation
Emotion
And then need

It's a simple model and difficult to do in practice. Needs practice.

It's definitely not being a walkover.
I do lots of mediation type stuff and use it in that.

Whitemane - you can't make other people hear you and no matter how you use nvc if the other person isn't willing to hear you

I think this is the case here. But I am willing to give it one more go.

Teacher is observing the situation and are aware that there is a problem, but he is an extremely intelligent child, can be very charming when he needs to be and very confident (can look in your face without flinching and lie) and takes it off school grounds when he knows he won't get caught.
we live in a small village where kids walk home by themselves (I am meet the boys from school whenever the problem flares up again).. We have unfortunately had to deal with a string of changing teachers and headteachers and it took us a long time to realise that the problem isn't our DS.

NVC is also about connecting emotionally with the other person, understand their emotions which come out of unfulfilled basic needs and the reason behind their behaviour. and the other way - being able express your emotions in such a way the the other person also has empathy and understanding for you.

Sure, but some simply won't want to connect. I know alot of nvc enables or facilitates that connection and meeting both people's needs, but ultimately it won't work with everyone. When it doesn't it's worth having a contingency plan for safety/protection, police surely would become the appropriate one in this situation, and providing that same emotional connection to yourself so your needs and emotions can be taken care of and you can stay emotionally safe. Not saying don't give it another try but you need the awareness to know when to step back and concentrate on yourself and your son. But good luck. And hope your son has other friends/confidence boosting hobby and so on.

Op is someone helping you with this?
I use it as part of a range of tools and techniques. Happy for you to pm me.