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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break up looms ...

27 replies

Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:11

I have been seeing man for 6 months.
I am 30s. He has two kids I have 1. Been happy and enjoying spending time with him.hes divorced ( a litter older than me ). We have Booked hols together / he says he loves me / talks about us long term. Anyway one niggle is that I want to be married at some point. No rush or anything but after years of being with a partner . When I discuss if he'll ever marry again he says " it's not something i think about now and that he " may or
May not consider marriage again" I asked if he think he'd change his mind after years to come. He says he's unsure. I have discussed it a few times with him n got v non commital reply . Last night it turned into a row . I was called insure and says he may wanna break up and is ignoring me . So sad. Any words of wisdom? I know 6 months is early to discuss this but I feel in 30s it's kinda work thing one discusses. I'm not running to buy rings I just would like to know that option is available in future after years of bf/ gf.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 30/06/2017 20:18

YABU to keep on at him - he sounds ambivalent about marriage and 6 months is not very long at all when you already have a family.

If marriage is definitely important to YOU and you want someone to fall in love with you and talk about proposing after mere months... This isn't your guy.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 30/06/2017 20:18

I think you're being a bit tough on him. He has given an appropriate answer to your question. He has said he might and at 6 months I'm afraid that's a fair reply.

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/06/2017 20:19

He can't possibly see into the future so that's why yabu, but sorry it's not the answer you want x

Madwoman5 · 30/06/2017 20:25

You want to be married. He is not sure. It has been 26 weeks and you are pressing the point already? It is too soon. The telling thing is that although you like spending time with him, you have not mentioned that you love him. Does every relationship have to end in certain marriage? Can't you just enjoy it for what it is?

KeepFuckingGoing · 30/06/2017 20:27

My DH was like that. He would have freaked if I'd pushed the issue at 6 mths and with good reason! It is too early especially with kids involved. I discussed it with him at 2 yrs. he was happy to have a baby and buy a house so why wasn't I happy with that? I said it was important to me and I would not dream of having a baby with someone who couldn't deal with marriage. It was all about his parents divorce. Eye roll eye roll.

We married. He got over himself.

Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:27

Thank you for replies . I cannot just enjoy for what it is, I want marriage and I want a relationship in my 30s to be going that way .
I do appreciate that I may have pressed him too hard for an answer too soon tho

OP posts:
Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:29

I see . Thank you for tour response. I fear it my be too late tho. He's currently ignoring my message from early this morn. He said he needs time and says he may not wana Carry on wth relationship after me asking him bout it

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 30/06/2017 20:31

Well what is it about marriage that you want? Why is it so important to you?

MammasBrandNewBag · 30/06/2017 20:33

I think that many a relationship has fallen victim of the premature marriage conversation and expectations. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being clear about what you expect from your relationship in the right context, but essentially to him, you are asking for a commitment after 6 months. It's a lot of pressure.

I have been in your shoes, I nearly ruined a wonderful thing with a wonderful man because I was so focused on what I felt wasn't happening instead of what was. Lucky for us we were able to discuss the real issues in our relationship and move forward happily. Marriage hasn't changed what we have, but I do regret the way I approached things.

I am not suggesting you sit passively until he decides to propose (if things go that way), just that you should concentrate on enjoying what you have, and figuring out if you even want to spend the rest of your life with this man or if you feel that you "should" be moving towards this goal of marriage.

Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 30/06/2017 20:34

I just adore the idea of someone ( potentially) committing to me
Long term. I care little about fancy dresses / posh venues etc . I just like the idea of being a persons wife and having a husband.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 30/06/2017 20:42

Well unless you meet someone who's as desperate to get married as you are you're in for a disappointment.

Poor guy, after six months he probably feels all this pushing for marriage is pretty scary.

Who knows, if you'd waited for a couple of years you might have been looking at a wedding on the horizon. As it is it sounds as if you're going to have to start all over again with some one new, which means your dream of getting married is even further away.

You can't make someone marry you by nagging them into it. You have to give it time to develop or not otherwise you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2017 20:49

If someone has gone through the trauma of a divorce it is only natural that they'd want to wait before possibly putting themselves in the same situation or feeling vulnerable to it again. If you really feel you need answers now and he can't give you that then he isn't the man for you.

Booboobooboo84 · 30/06/2017 20:54

But marriage isn't proof of a commitment. Giving someone your time is. He's clearly committed to you as he is making future plans with you in the form of holidays. Don't drive away your happiness by fixating on something that won't change anything

JemDoughnut · 30/06/2017 23:13

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask after six months, if it's make-or-break for you then why wait years to find that out.

However you were given an answer, a very non-committal answer but an answer none-the-less. It is unreasonable to push further, as you aren't asking for a simple answer anymore, you're pushing for a 'commitment to commit'. Something he's not prepared to give.

You have to accept that marriage might not be on the cards, and whether or not you can continue in your relationship knowing that. (FWIW I've been in the same position, I really struggled with it for a while, we're five years in now and trying for kids and I'm so glad we managed to move past it.)

Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:33

Thank you for all
Replies .my tricky thing is that I'm happy and enjoy all our time together but the moment I remember his " may or may not
Marry in future " I feel sick.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 01/07/2017 17:36

YABU.
He hasn't said an outright no which means he would consider it if the circumstances are right. Carry on nagging him and it'll be an outright no to marriage and the relationship

Groupie123 · 01/07/2017 17:42

Tbh if he was going to marry you, he wouldn't have rowed about it or threatened to break up when you mentioned it. I personally think you are not unreasonable to want marriage if that's what's important to you & should go out and find it.

Groupie123 · 01/07/2017 17:44

A lot of my colleagues ask how I managed to find a marrying man. And it wasn't complicated - I just refused to stick around in relationships that weren't leading that way (marriage is important to me). I think 6 months is a reasonable time to have a conversation about this when you're both in your mid-thirties, and if he doesn't want to talk then leave and get straight back to dating until you find the right person.

Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 17:47

Yes I almost would rather a definite no . Congrats groupie x

OP posts:
AtHomeDadGlos · 01/07/2017 17:57

Six months is very early. Poor bloke. YABVU

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 01/07/2017 17:58

I think it's fine to raise the question after six months (no one wants to waste their time in a relationship if it isn't ultimately going where they want) but yabu for pressing when he can't genuinely answer it.

If this really is such a deal breaker for you then it's up to you to leave. He's already said he's not sure.

gleam · 01/07/2017 18:21

I think you may have saved yourself years of angst. Surely after 6 months you have an idea of whether you might want to marry someone.
If it's important to you, why not be upfront about it?

He couldn't even decide if if might consider marriage again, let alone marry.

I knew someone who'd been engaged for the time it took me to meet someone, live with them, marry and have our first child. Seven years!

gleam · 01/07/2017 18:23

Engaged for the time it took me...4 years, plus 3 years before.

Groupie123 · 01/07/2017 19:03

@gleam - how sad. I was engaged within a year of meeting my dh (most of my friends who married were engaged within first 2 years and married after a year long engagement). I think men know when they're ready and in some cases even if they want something long term usually within the first few months. By six months he should def have an idea - I personally think he can't see something long term with Op so she should leave.

Original poster
Gamesetandmatch1 · 01/07/2017 19:17

You're right . It's off as we have two holidays booked / we meet 3-4 times a week and he says that we should have a chat about moving in after being together a year but this marriage convo has just thrown him into mr non commital ....

OP posts:
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