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To wonder why I'm so invisible :(

34 replies

Topbananaa · 30/06/2017 18:24

I'm just so lonely. I've lived here now for around 4 years and have no real friends, I have people that I talk to and make conversation and try to suggest 'oh we should do this one day... etc' but nobody ever takes me up on it. In fact people just arrange things together literally while we're stood in a group, like at school pick up, and I just feel so embarrassed that I'm just completely excluded. I'd just like a friend to go for a coffee with, or a few glasses of wine, normal stuff. Not really sure what I do wrong, or why nobody ever seems interested in being my friend.
Sorry, I've just reread that, and it's so cringey and embarrassing but I'm just feeling really sad :(

OP posts:
Gerardbernie · 30/06/2017 18:30

Oh you poor thing. I think maybe you're not making it clear enough that you'd like to do something or not being specific enough. Most people are a bit self-absorbed and oblivious (not necessarily meaning they're not nice people but people don't take as much notice of us as we think they do, generally). Why don't you try saying to one person (rather than to a group of people) "I've got a spare couple of hours on thursday, are you free for a coffee early afternoon at such and such" and you're much more likely to get a straight answer. Making friends doesn't come that easily to me either, it feels a bit forced and embarrassing but if you ask in a friendly but casual way it'll be fine. Good luck!

ChildishGambino · 30/06/2017 18:30

Don't feel sad Flowers Maybe you need to be more outwardly confident so when someone suggests something you say, "Sure I can do Wednesday or Friday."

Get it in the diary straight away if you really want to meet up as otherwise it just drifts. I don't like pushing people.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 30/06/2017 18:31

I talk to everyone, so it's hard to see it from a quiet persons side

Is there a child that one of your children are friends with whose mum looks friendly? Ask if she'd like to go to the park after school with the kids and build up from there

millifiori · 30/06/2017 18:35

I know it's hard when the DC are small, but are there any social things you can do - like bootcamp or book club etc that could help you build up some friendships with people who share interests with you. From bootcamp you can ask if anyone wants to train for a 5k or half marathon. You get chatting as you run. Or in book clubs (afaik - never joined one) you get plastered and talk about everything except books.

livefornaps · 30/06/2017 18:35

Aw, sorry to hear that darlin'. The thing is you could spend your life saying "we must do something some time". Give people specifics. And, sometimes, just take the plunge. Why not say "do you mind if I join you ?" Lots of people just don't think that others would like to be included in plans unless they say. Just do so with a big smile on your face. I.know it's horribly uncomfortable but it's all about making that first contact and sometimes you just gotta be shameless. Good luck & check in with us as to how you get on Flowers

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 18:35

For a start you need to stop looking at it in that way. Friends making arrangements is not excluding you, they don't really know you and there is no reason at all they should invite you along. You can't have the attitude that people should be your friends just because you know them to say hello to.
Contrary to popular belief, the school gates are not a good place to meet friends. You need to join a group with an interest, or a hobby or sport or something, so you have a mutual interest to talk about with people.
It's hard to make friends as an adult. You need to put a lot of effort in, they don't come to you.

Laiste · 30/06/2017 18:36

Where are you OP?

I'd love to say try mumsnet local but there's nowt but tumble weed in mine :(

The best thing i have to say is you're not alone. Although that's not much comfort really. Have you tried any groups? For just you or you and DC? Something where you might make a mate?

livefornaps · 30/06/2017 18:37

Lol @millifiori's description of bookclubs! I'd join your bookclub in a heartbeat, darlin' Wine chinchin

LucieLucie · 30/06/2017 18:37

Topbananaa i hear you (and see you!) Grin

I think it depends on the area you are living tbh. You say you moved there 4 years ago, some people gave been 'born & bred' in these areas and know each other from school, went to ante-natal groups together then toddlers/nursery then school with their kids. It's very hard to break into established friendship groups amongst cliquey people.

I don't know the answer other than it's nothing personal, I've been there too and it used to upset me hugely.

Eventually I made friends in my new town through my ds, we all fell out after a few years mind you and I've since moved away and never made new friends again but hey, friends can be hard work and are definitely over rated imo WinkWineCake

raspberrysuicide · 30/06/2017 18:42

I used to feel like that a lot, I eventually joined the local church and now have a great social life. There's loads of children for my dd to play with. There's stuff going on during the week too so not just Sundays.

PlayingSardines · 30/06/2017 18:48

This is a gloomy insight, OP, but sometimes a person is a poor fit with a place in friendship terms. I don't really gel with anyone local to me, and we've been here for four and a half years, and I did all possible friendship overtures. There just aren't a lot of my psychological tribe around here, and I think people here find me equally unappealing! I realised only a few weeks ago when I met someone at work and we immediately got each other, and after knowing one another a few weeks are having far more interesting conversations than I've had in the years I've lived in this village. Unfortunately, he lives an incredibly long way away and commutes, and we're both frantically busy, so it's a matter of the occasional work coffee, but very cheering to find someone with whom there was an immediate liking after so many lean years.

What I'm saying is that it may not be you at all.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 18:51

Aren't you just saying it's not you, its that the entire town is too dull and you are far too interesting for them? Rather an arrogant way of looking at things. "It's not you, its everyone of the other 10,000 people".

GeekLove · 30/06/2017 19:41

No having been in that situation. Sometimes you just are a bad fit for a place. I lived somewhere for four years got out there, volunteered at a youth club but made precisely 0 friends.

GloriaV · 30/06/2017 19:51

I think friends come if you aren't looking - but I suggest being busy eg hobbies/ clubs/ walking groups etc etc So that you aren't standing at school gate looking for someone to talk to, but arrive in a rush as you've just finished your latest novel/ been for a swim/ were late leaving your cookery class. Then you look like an interesting busy person people might be more likely to talk to.
School gates are hard for friend making, I think it's because ime everyone can hear your conversation so it is hard to just be natural. But hobby groups are good for friend making so try that route. And don't dismiss other people because they look boring/ old/ not your type.

Topbananaa · 30/06/2017 19:53

Thank you everybody, I wasn't expecting such nice responses!
I wouldn't really say I'm quiet, maybe people don't realise how I feel, as I probably actually come across as quite confident.
The people planning stuff at school, one of them I would describe as a friend, albeit not a close one, and they were planning a very similar activity to what I've done with this friend a few times. (Sorry, trying to be vague!) I think that's why I was upset really.

Love the description of the book club! I don't have much time for reading at the moment, but I like the wine! 😃

I do run, and tried to organise doing a race together with a few people. Three others said they would do it, two booked their place, but then both backed out for various reasons.
I feel better having shared anyway so thank you all!

OP posts:
PlayingSardines · 30/06/2017 19:58

Do you mean me, rather than the OP, AndTake? It's not a town of 10,000 people, for one thing, it's a small village in a scatter of other small villages, with a very homogenous population. And before you write me off as hopelessly arrogant, please note that I said in my last post that I imagine people here find me equally unappealing. But no, I haven't met people who interest me here.

MsAnnThropic · 30/06/2017 20:08

Op. I am exactly the same. I could have written your post word for word.... Don't suppose you're on the isle of Wight are you? We could be invisible friends together if so!

IWantABlueBanana · 30/06/2017 20:19

I feel the same here, after 3 years I've only been out twice :( I have made brilliant friends here but... well aye!

MarciaBlaine · 30/06/2017 21:15

I think you do have to take a deep breath and invite people.its hard, I know - been there. Try something, "oh I've been here a while and never really got to know you, so busy etc - coffee at mine one day ? " or some such. People walk round in such a bubble.

MarciaBlaine · 30/06/2017 21:20

Playingsardines, don't take this the wrong way but if you do have an attitude that "no one interests you" in your small village then surely that's bound to show. I wouldn't want to make efforts with someone who thought like that.

PlayingSardines · 30/06/2017 21:59

I think we're talking at cross purposes, Marcia. It's not that no one 'wants to know me', it's that I haven't met anyone here I wanted to move beyond acquaintance with. That's not a crime. I grew up in a roughly equivalent-sized village in my home country, but it had a far greater variety of people living different kinds of lives.

nogrip · 01/07/2017 08:06

I'm the same OP and I have been here 10 years, so I think I win the trophy for most hopeless friend maker.

I left a strong friend ship group to move here, and we still see each other but only a few times a year due to logistics and I am so lonely.

I have been uninvited to Christmas drinks (who even does that?)Anyway, it must be me, I have tried the full spectrum of different ways of making friends/meeting people and it just hasn't worked. It hasnt helped that I have recently good glasses and am sure I am blanking people by mistake as most stuff is blurry

I feel such a loser writing this, I feel so sad. I am a honest, loyal, and like a good laugh. Its their loss. Except it isn't, I am living a lonely life and I don't like it one bit

SunnyCoco · 01/07/2017 10:49

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way it sounds very lonely and you sound like a great person, I'd be your friend!
You definitely need to organise things with specific time / date. Eg would you like to come for coffee and cake on Wednesday at 11
When people are organising things in front of you they are surely not excluding you - it's just that they're already used to those arrangements. Be bold and say "oh I'd love to try that activity, do you mind if I join you?" Or I'd love to get to know you better, fancy coming to xxx with me?
You can do it xxx

MagicMarkers · 01/07/2017 11:04

Do you have a local WI you could join? Amateur dramatics is also a good way to meet people. They don't just need people who want to go on stage.

Rossigigi · 01/07/2017 11:10

I had a big group of friends which I'd grown apart from and hadn't seen properly for 4 years or so.

So decided yesterday to make a change and texted several couples about meeting up and they've all agreed and we are meeting up tonight. I was apprehensive about messaging them but it shows what can be done when you put your mind to it.

Just ask them out as a PP said 'I'm free for a few hours on said day do you want to meet for coffee?'
Good luck

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