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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask how to get our 4 year old to stop shouting/crying in the middle of the night?

58 replies

farfarawayfromhome · 30/06/2017 18:00

A few months ago DD, aged 4, started waking up screaming blue murder in the night. She was inconsolable, heart racing, tears running down her face. We thought it was night terrors, and because we both work, and she sleeps in a double bed, one of us would jump in to comfort her and sleep with her (I know, I know).

Fast forward a few months and she now still wakes up shouting for us, but I don't think it's night terrors, she just wants one of us to sleep with her. She will not stop until one of us cracks and does it.

We've tried sticker charts, bribery and also leaving her alone to see if she calms down, she never does. She gets more and more and more upset to the point of heaving. By which point both of us have been woken up and it's the middle of the night and we're exhausted...

We thought it was just a phase but it has been four months or so now and we know we can't continue like this...but have no clue how to stop it.

If you've faced the same can you please share examples of what has worked for you?

OP posts:
AdultHumanFemale · 30/06/2017 19:26

I think the easiest thing to do is to just roll with it. If she has a double bed, it might not be such a hardship to migrate into her bed halfway through the night? Mine (7 & 4) sleep in bunks and both invariably find their way into our bed at some point during the night. In my mind, if they had it in them to self-settle back in their own beds, they would be doing it, and I don't feel like forcing the issue -what's the point if it's going to make them sad? Sleep and discipline have never gone hand in hand in my house, sleep should be about cosiness, security and rest, in whose ever bed it may be Smile

TheEagle · 30/06/2017 19:42

I suffered really badly with night terrors until I was a teenager. My parents never turned me away, my Dad often slept in my bed and I slept with my Mum.

I'm 36 now and I sometimes wake in the night feeling uncomfortable about a dream I've had. I usually hold DH's hand for a bit. He never refuses to cuddle me or tells me I have 2 minutes until I must stop cuddling up to him.

It's probably only a phase, our 3.5 yo has very occasional episodes like this in the night (once he told me he was sad because he'd dropped his toy donkey into the loo - never happened!). Either DH or I gets into his bed with him. That way everyone gets sleep.

It will pass!

autumnkate · 30/06/2017 19:44

I'm sorry OP, both mine did this at this age.

4 year old due to start school in Sept is doing it much less now though. Sadly I think there's not much you can do other than cuddle and retreat back your bed when she drops off.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/06/2017 19:46

I solved it. in stead of ds starting in his own bed and getting the night terrors and sleeping on top of me clinging on for the rest of the night, he came and co-slept for the whole night.

this, however, does not solve your problem. Nor is it necessarily the answer you are looking for!

ZZZZ1111 · 30/06/2017 22:09

Missanony why 'should' they be sleeping through at 4? According to who/what research? And why is it a 'bad habit' to ask for a cuddle at night-time? 4 is still really young and children that age will still struggle to calm themselves down a lot of the time.

3isthemagicnumbersoimtold · 30/06/2017 22:30

My 3 year old wakes up and wants in next to us. To be honest at 3 in the morning I really don't care if I'm in next to him or he's in next me and DH. As long as we're all asleep then I'm happy.

Remember "this too shall pass" she'll be 20
Before you know it and you might not get a hug for love nor money Wink

kaytee87 · 30/06/2017 22:43

I'd get her a smaller bed and see if that helps, she could be feeling a bit lonely and scared in a big bed by herself.

missanony · 30/06/2017 23:21

@ZZZZ1111

The op asked for suggestions, I've given them. It's up to the op what she takes on board. I don't have any desire to provide evidence to you that most school age children sleep through. It seems like common sense to me.

skyzumarubble · 30/06/2017 23:30

Are you sure it's not night terrors, my 5yo has them and she is genuinely terrified while they're going on and I couldn't leave her on her own. I end up with her.

Pastaagain78 · 30/06/2017 23:38

I would just get in with her at first peep. Cut the anxiety right down. No screaming and heaving. Everyone back to sleep very quickly. Getting in with her is nothing to be ashamed of. It will pass.

aweewhilelonger · 01/07/2017 00:01

She's got a double bed? Get in with her and go back to sleep asap! It really doesn't matter where people sleep as long as everyone is getting enough sleep. Beds are just flat, comfy sleeping areas. Hers, yours...I honestly don't know understand why we get so get up about people sleeping the ´Right' bed. It will all sort itself out in the end. DH, I and our two boys had a big family bed till they were 3 & 6, then they went in singles and we played musical beds for a few years. Now they are 10 & 7 and in bunk beds - and they still live sleeping close to each other. 4 is very little, why would she want to be anywhere other than next to you?

Sunshinegirls · 01/07/2017 00:10

Maybe change her room around, give her a smaller sleeping space, a double might seem a bit vast and empty to a little girl in the middle of the night. Or let her sleep in your bed for a while and DH sleep in hers until you have caught up a bit then try a brand new bedtime routine with reward charts for full nights sleep.

user1495025590 · 01/07/2017 05:11

From what you say I don't think she is still having night terrors, I think it has become a habit.instead of getting in bed I would just go in kiss her the first time she cries and go out. If she continues to yell put your head round the door afwr 2 minutes, then 4 minutes then 8 minutes say ' mummy's here but its sleep time and go out. Be consistent - ignore the crying and heaving.

sofato5miles · 01/07/2017 05:24

Our DS did this. We tried controlled crying for almost 3 weeks fucking hated the 'it takes three nights of iron will' brigade.

We decided to co sleep.

MakeItStopNeville · 01/07/2017 05:36

I'm 42 and my mum would climb into bed with me at the mere hint of a nightmare and I've done the same with my own kids. There is nothing better, when you're a kid feeling scared, than having your Mums hand to hold. Growing up feeling safe is never a bad thing.

lolalotta · 01/07/2017 05:40

OP, do you think she is still having the night terrors now or is it just a habit thing she's having tantrums in the night about if you don't go to her when she shouts out?

lolalotta · 01/07/2017 05:41

BTW, no I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want her to stop doing this.

mummytime · 01/07/2017 05:52

This is the kind of issue where my "she won't be doing this at 18" mantra helps.

We used to have small people join us in bed at this kind of age. We even got a super king size as at times it was 2 of them.
My rule was as long as I could sleep it was okay, but if they wriggled too much they went back to their own bed. That did mean that one got a lot more time in our bed as she could sneak in without waking me.

If you have something that works for you then just go with it. Everyone getting enough sleep is the top priority.
I would try to resist getting straight into her bed, as that gives less chance for her to "not need you".

Other things to try are: cuddly toy/comforter, something that smells of you, lavender drops on the pillow.

insancerre · 01/07/2017 06:02

Has she recently had school visits or have you bought uniform?
Its not uncommon for children to have a change in behaviour thus time of the year as they sense a big change coming up
She may not be able to verbalise it or even recognize it herself but she may be anxious about starting school!
I would just carry on doing want you are doing and go in and sleep with her

Original poster
farfarawayfromhome · 01/07/2017 06:16

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions everyone. She does have a double bed but it's very soft (has triggered my back problems needing osteo visits) she's a massive wriggler/leg kicker and that and the shouting means the shock of the wake up all combine to mean my sleep isn't great when I'm in with her. It's not so bad at the weekends but when I have to get up for work it's a killer. My job is highly pressured and demanding and being exhausted is taking its toll on me.

During maybe the first month of this I could sometimes soothe her back to sleep and get back to my own bed...now as soon as she wakes again and sees me gone she's shouting again and again. It's easier to be woken up once than four times.

I do honestly think it's habit now not terrors...but as you have said something is clearly triggering it, not sure what.

Looks like we will have to suck it up and hope this four/five month stretch breaks soon. I have a fear of being 'that' mum on the daily fail whose child still co sleeps ages 18, and only eats custard creams!!!! (She's a fussy eater too and I swear I saw the custard cream story once in the fail!!!.)

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Yura · 01/07/2017 06:17

We've just got over that phase - we cut out TV in the afternoon and evening completely, and coslept until it was over. he's 4.5 years now and sleeps through the night since about 2 months

Headinthedrawer · 01/07/2017 06:29

Hi Op.
My daughter did this at the same age.It was like she was possessed and really hard to get through to her.Very,very distressing.We like you assumed night terrors.Then one night I put her on the toilet.She did a wee and after that calmed down and went to sleep.After that we would immediately stick her on the loo when she woke up screaming.Worked every time!Worth a try.....she was barely awake each time.Just flailing about screaming.I think her body was telling her to wake up but her mind was completely confused causing the distressed reaction.

Ethylred · 01/07/2017 06:29

Give her all the cuddles she wants. You will miss it when she doesn't want them any more.

hiccupgirl · 01/07/2017 07:50

My DS had lots of nightmares around that age and he'd come into our bed and one of us went into his single bed. That way everyone got sleep. He's a lot better at 7 but does still has phases of needing reassurance at nighttime if he's stressed at school.

I would roll with it and accept its going to happen for now. If you're chilled about it, she's more likely to be relaxed and then hopefully it will pass. I wouldn't leave her to get upset - I can also remember having nightmares at that age but I wasn't allowed to go into my parents room and they wouldn't come to me because I was old enough to get on with it. It was horrible and I wouldn't do it to my DS.

nomorebabiesyet · 01/07/2017 08:53

Ohbi feel for you. I have ds 1 aged 4. Ds2 aged 2.5. And dd 10 weeks. Dd sleeps ALL NIGHT! great fab. But both boys have never slept through and end up in bed with me or their dad and we ened up playing musical beds. Thank god dd likes to sleep. She must be exhausted as they wake her in the day

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