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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resenting being a mummy...

77 replies

EmmaJR1 · 30/06/2017 16:31

Don't get me wrong - I'm ecstatic at finally being a mummy to a gorgeous 7 week old boy - however having lived nearly 40 years as an independent women, travelling, going out late, buying whatever I want I'm finding it more difficult than I imagined to adapt to having a tiny human attached to me ALL THE TIME!
He is a good baby and I can't complain about being hard done by because I'm not - I'm very lucky. It's just EVERYTHING I do now is in relation to this gorgeous bundle- I even walk the dog with the baby! Am I being unreasonable to miss my carefree days? I feel a bit guilty...

OP posts:
Redredredrose · 30/06/2017 18:01

It is really hard to start with, especially if you've been used to having a lot of personal space. You can know and expect that having a child will change your life without actually understanding what that experience will feel like. I kind of expected to feed DS every couple of hours, change him, then he'd just sleep or something - I imagined going about my life with him sort of in the background. None of my close friends or my generation of cousins had kids before me, plus my mum died before I had DS, so there was no-one to prepare me - I didn't really 'get' it. I found emotionally tiring to put the baby first ALL THE TIME. I did it, obviously - but it was quite a transition to eg have to feed and change him as soon as we got in from a trip out, instead of being able to have a sit down. Now of course it's second nature and I don't mind at all - I put him first all the time automatically and enjoy doing everything for him. But it took a while and it was a shock to find how much my life has changed, how much it suddenly had to revolve around another person.

toastandbutterandjam · 30/06/2017 18:03

I have no children, but I do know what it's like having to do everything with a child!

I also remember when my best friend had her baby. I used to meet her in a coffee shop and sometimes i'd take her daughter (if she wanted me too) for a walk round the shops or i'd sit with her and mind the baby whilst my friend had her coffee in peace!
She always said it helped her adjust to motherhood and keep her sane! She lived with a large family and had lots of people around, but they left everything involving baby to her!
Sadly, she's not here with us now. It's one of the things I miss.
Do you have anyone that could do similar?

Enjoy your lovely baby - He sounds gorgeous!
Best of luckFlowers

DollyLlama · 30/06/2017 18:06

Do people forget just how huge of a shock it is to have a new baby?! YANBU, it's difficult to adjust but when you do you would never go back to life before, it's just ALOT to get used to.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/06/2017 18:06

I didn't really understand why losing your liberty is a punishment until I had had my (long-awaited, much-wanted, totally adored) first baby. The shock will wear off OP and things will get easier.

Pippapogs · 30/06/2017 18:09

Not unreasonable at all! As other posters have said it will change and you definitely adjust with time. Flowers

NerrSnerr · 30/06/2017 18:12

It does get easier, I'm 12 weeks in on baby number 2 and now it's second nature. I'm used to doing everything with a baby under my arm or on my boob now. I really tried to get my eldest to take a bottle so I could have an evening out after a few months but ended up finding it more trouble and hassle then it was worth so I have just accepted having a child with me for most of the time.

PatriciaHolm · 30/06/2017 18:14

Surely you knew what you were getting in to when you decided to have a baby?

How? If, like me, you didn't really know anyone with babies and hadn't really encountered them much before having your own, you really don't have any concept of what it's genuinely like to be the servant of a small crying pooing thing 24/7. I love my children and am appreciative that I was very lucky to have them, but as with all new experiences it took some time to adjust. That's normal.

TooGood2BeFalse · 30/06/2017 18:16

toast so sorry for the loss of your friend Flowers Be in no doubt that you absolutely did the kindest, loveliest thing for her with her baby and hence made both of their lives better

namechangefox · 30/06/2017 18:19

OP, it's a difficult transition but one that runs its course. Yes it's all about the baby - as it should be - these are precious days.

Please don't mourn what you think you once were but look ahead to what are now are. I'm way further along and seeing these young adults I have is amazing.

You are still you. You have not fundamentally changed.

Unless of course you start referring to yourself as 'mummy' and other grown women as 'mummies' in which case please desist with immediate effect. I thank you. Grin

TooGood2BeFalse · 30/06/2017 18:20

Completely agree Patricia .I had worked in 3 nurseries albeit slightly older children and thought I knew everything. DS1 had awful colic, slept in 20min bursts for 6 months and turns out I knew nothing Grin Just had to ride the storm, as we all do.

ChildishGambino · 30/06/2017 18:21

I chose to have my baby and I'm certainly not 'mourning my old life' as one poster suggested. Not everyone feels like that.

Heirhelp · 30/06/2017 18:22

Yep. I totally understand how you are feeling. I think it is an entirely normal reaction but as a society we just don't talk about it.

It does start to get easier.

museumum · 30/06/2017 18:24

If you have a partner then it's worth getting into a routine of leaving him with the baby for short periods. Dog walks would be perfect. Let him bath the baby himself while you get a bit of fresh air and gentle exercise with the dog.

crunched · 30/06/2017 18:27

Do listen to what MeanAger says.
So many MNetters bemoan the lack of involvement of Fathers but don't instigate their involvement from the off.
My 3 DC were exc. bf but that still meant I could take an hour or two each day to be me - that means going to the gym, studying or whatever floats your boat.

Elephant17 · 30/06/2017 18:27

I did feel like that but my baby cried almost non stop for the first 3 months and was an absolutely dreadful sleeper which triggered me to develop postnatal depresssion. Had he not been quite so difficult I don't think I would have felt that way... I knew it would be a different life from my pre children life and that I wouldn't be able to put myself first in the same way.

I mean... do people have babies on the assumption it's going to enable lots of 'me time' Confused?

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 30/06/2017 18:29

I felt the same OP, when my much-longed-for DS1 arrived.

I can remember scoffing about a woman in my antenatal class who was concerned about losing her identity when her baby arrived. As if that would happen to me! I had a successful career and a wonderful marriage and the baby was going to enhance my life in every way possible!

And then he was born and I spent 500 hours a day trying to get him to latch on and I couldn't form a coherent sentence because I was so tired and the sound of my husband breathing made me want to divorce him.

Things do settle down. You get used to the changes and your baby grows up. DS1 is currently at a birthday party and is going on his first Beavers camp this weekend and I am going to MISS HIM!

Hang in there Flowers

OhPuddleducks · 30/06/2017 18:34

You are right in the middle of the full on sleep deprived, not sure what on earth is going on stage. Weirdly, you will most likely look back on it with fondness! Ignore people saying you are unreasonable: it's a huge adjustment and you need to take it day by day.

dustmotesinthesun · 30/06/2017 18:34

I think a few weeks in you are still adjusting. It must be a huge change so be very gentle with yourself. Babies look like a massive amount of work. You habe a right to your feelings.

Perhaps you could reframe it though as you are so lucky to have had 40 years of doing so many lovely things. It sounds lile you've made the most of that time. Now it's just a new adventure. It will end up being just as amazing once you've settled. But in a different way. And babies do grow up and you still have lots of time to do all sorts on your own

I'd very very happily swap places with you. As I'm sure would lots of others.

welshweasel · 30/06/2017 18:37

Part of it for me was the fact that I was used to excelling in everything to do with my career and just assumed I'd find looking after a baby easy. I mean, it's a natural thing to do, plenty of teenagers manage, why would I find it hard. And then I did and I felt totally inadequate.

Elephant17 · 30/06/2017 18:37

I will add, though, that I think I did my 'mourning my old life' during pregnancy and felt strongly aware all the way through of what it was going to mean to have a baby and what sacrifices would be made... so it didn't really hit me as a shock- having a baby constantly attached to my boob etc.

What did hit me as a shock, as mentioned above, was the non stop crying and stretches of sleep lasting no longer than 10 minutes for months (I was a broken woman).

Mummamayhem · 30/06/2017 18:39

It's a huge shock.

I would say it changes, but it doesn't children are a life long commitment and it's quite overwhelming at times.

It gets easier because you adapt, you instinctively put them first and it becomes the norm. I feel odd when I go out without them. Don't get me wrong I love it but it's weird.

livefornaps · 30/06/2017 18:40

Yabvu to call yourself "a mummy" #vominducingterm. Congrats for your baby. It'll get better.

MeanAger · 30/06/2017 18:42

Fwiw I was a teenager when I had my first baby and wasn't really used to independence in the way an adult knows it so it wasn't as much of a culture shock for me to be bound by someone else's routine as it is for those who are used to deciding themselves how to spend their time. I am really looking forward to not having to think of what time someone else needs dinner at/collected from school/hobby at or whether someone else has enough uniform for the week etc. I'm looking forward to just doing me. I think I have about 10 years to go though. They're pretty self sufficient at 18 right?

blue2014 · 30/06/2017 18:47

You sound pretty normal to me Smile it gets better, honestly it does.

PonderLand · 30/06/2017 18:48

Yanbu, it's shit. Everything apart from my son laughing is a different version of The Shit. Sometimes you have a 'routine' but then that goes to The Shit. He's one so it's not as shit as it used to be but I think it'll get shitter again.

Just to add my son as a person is lovely, but the actual life that happens after is really crap. Groups, weigh clinics, vaccinations, cmpa, reflux, colic, night feeds, engorgment, leakage, piles, health visitors, birth trauma, loss of friendship, loss of identity, loss is sex drive, loss of marriage, loss of beauty, extra stress, extra anxiety, extra depression.

Not enjoying motherhood in the first few years is in my opinion normal.

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