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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel so wound up i have to punch my pillow

31 replies

Gomango · 30/06/2017 00:45

dS is 18 but knows i cant sleep if i have no idea where he is or when hes back. Yet he does it again. Just going out for a bit it was at 8pm and hear nothing since.
Asked his dad (separated) to try him, he got no reply either. He then told me he was going back to sleep, ie dont bother me again!!!
Full on day at work in the morning and i will be shattered, grrrrtrrt

OP posts:

MVLipwig · 30/06/2017 00:49

In this scenario this is more your problem than his. He's a grown lad who deserves his social life and he probably thought being casual about where he was going would calm you down. Probably worth you working on your anxiety so you can stop wanting to control him (although I understand you mean well)

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/06/2017 00:53

You need to deal with your anxiety...and stop making your son responsible for your happiness.

He's 18. He's an adult. He is not bound to let you know where he is every moment.

See the doctor about your anxiety...this is not fair to your son.

Original poster

Gomango · 30/06/2017 00:54

Thanks. I can cope weekends with this type of scenario but he knows its a nightmare weekdays. Just wish he could have mentioned ill be late, who and where etc. fact he knows he shouldnt be doing this week night makes it even more frustrating!

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 30/06/2017 00:58

Why shouldn't he be out on a weeknight?

Original poster

Gomango · 30/06/2017 00:58

Well if it was my partner or living with friends i'd still expect an idea of what they're up to! I don't think i am super strict just that when i need to get up for work and cant seirch off he could be a bit more considerate!

OP posts:

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/06/2017 00:59

Stop looking at what he "should have done" and focus on the fact that your thinking is well off...you're not meant to stresss like this and you need help for anxiety.

Original poster

Gomango · 30/06/2017 01:01

Oh well less wound up with him now and getting wound up with unsympathetic replies instead Did the trick goodnight

OP posts:

alisonyawn · 30/06/2017 01:02

YABU
He's 18, and an adult. Would you stress about what he was doing all the time if he didn't live at home?
It does sound like you have anxiety issues, please see someone. They're horrible to live with.

VestalVirgin · 30/06/2017 01:04

Have you seen a psychiatrist for your anxiety?

He's 18, if he went out clubbing, he may well be away until dawn. No reason to worry that he's not back yet. He'll be okay.

At 8pm, you know he didn't go shopping.

I suffer from anxiety, too, but only when I don't know where someone is or if they should already be back.

At his age, I think it is pretty sure he's partying somewhere.

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/06/2017 01:06

You sound deluded OP.

Virginiaplain1 · 30/06/2017 01:26

You are not alone OP! I've just texted my 22 year old DS to ask him where he is. I have no problem at all if he stays out late - or doesn't come home at all, but if he is living at home, then I expect him to do me the courtesy of letting me know roughly what his plans are, and if they are changing.
I don't bother even thinking about what he's up to when he's away at university, but it's different when he's at home.
Mums are allowed to worry and grown up children should be aware that they do and have some consideration - it's just good manners.

ShmooBooMoo · 30/06/2017 01:30

Get a deadbolt and tell him he'll need to let you know if he's not coming home cos you won't be getting up to take the deadbolt off if he leaves you swinging. He is an adult, true, but he lives under your roof and it's just good manners!

ShmooBooMoo · 30/06/2017 01:34

Btw, I don't think you sound deluded or particularly anxious. It's natural for a mum to worry, whatever her child's age. it wouldn't take much to just send you a text, would it? Also , to others, he is under his mum's roof and therefore owes it to her to have a modicum of respect. A quick text to say, I'm fine, go up mum, I'm fine to let myself in and lock up, or I'm staying at a mate's, see your tomorrow.

Original poster

Gomango · 30/06/2017 01:35

He just came home, was only down the road in the pub. Why oh why no simple text? Phone was dead excuse, but it was in his hand and charged. Not impressed! Glad of some more supportive replies thanks. Goodnight 😀

OP posts:

ShmooBooMoo · 30/06/2017 01:38

All's well that ends well, but when he's sober let him know he needs to text you as a matter of courtesy and respect. Yeah, he's a lad just enjoying himself but but with freedom comes responsibility
Night

user1495025590 · 30/06/2017 01:38

Good manners to let those family members who live with you know when you will be back yanbu

Whiterabbitears · 30/06/2017 01:57

YANBU OP, if your son still lives at home and the perks that go with that, then he should have enough respect to briefly let you know when he will be back and that he is safe. I would expect this from my DD as just a matter of courtesy. I think it shows more maturity and being grown up to communicate with your nearest and dearest.

PovertyPain · 30/06/2017 02:12

My oldest is 26 and will usually text me if he's out after 2am to let me know he's still breathing. My boys will let me know if they're staying out overnight, so I'm not worried if they haven't come home. They know that I'll be sleeping, but subconsciously listening for the key in the door. Yes, they are adults but although I won't stress myself out, I will have a little niggle if they're later than usual. It doesn't help that my oldest was jumped and hurt a couple of weeks ago, by three scumbags.

Funny thing is, I worry less when I know they're staying out all night or when they were living away at uni. As my dear old mil said, "your children never stop being your children".

Unacceptable · 30/06/2017 02:13

I had similar worries when my eldest hit 18.
We had so many fall outs because of the worries.
Then I decided that I needed to do something about it. I made the DC hear me out (during the day when it isn't so angsty and you're more relaxed about life tends to be the best time to be heard I find)

It IS basic good manners to be considerate of your mum and how she may worry and not sleep.
I told our DC that I couldn't have disturbed sleep when I had work the next day. If they were going to be out past midnight during the week then it would be because they were sleeping at a friend's.
No discussion.
I'm their mum, them becoming adults is new to me.
I don't interfere, don't demand to know where they are, what they're doing. I just want to sleep easy.
Me wondering what time the eldest would get in and drifting off to sleep as he 'quietly' stomped in at 1am was often worse than the worry!!
They mostly stick to it now, and if they are going to be out at the pub or whatever but would rather sleep in their own beds they somehow miraculously manage to let me know in advance that they are having a couple of drinks and might be a tiny bit late.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/06/2017 02:18

Is he going to Uni? I had similar problems when DD was going out because in my head (and my heart) she was still the little girl who I secretly followed when she wanted to go to the shop on her own!

Now she is away at Uni and I have come to peace with the fact that she will do what she wants to do and there is nothing I can do about it other than hope she listened to the advice I gave her. I think its helped in that I have realised that she doesnt need me to secretly follow her anymore because she keeps herself as safe as she can, she doesnt put herself in dodgy situations so I can sleep happy.

QueenOfRubovia · 30/06/2017 03:00

I have 3 girls who all did much the same thing. The young are careless of our concerns. They just don't understand how much we worry abut them.

When the third one reached 18 I'd become somewhat used to worrying myself sick until they were safe home. I didn't close my eyes until I heard them come in the front door.. then I sighed a big sigh of relief and slept. I doubt any of them know the stress they've given me. I kept it under wraps.
I think it helped that, at 18 I'd already moved out of my parents house, had a reasonably paid job, and supported myself.
That kept things in perspective for me.

I think it's the same for all parents of

QueenOfRubovia · 30/06/2017 03:07

Pressed send too soon.

I meant that I think it's likely the same for all parents.
We just find it difficult to see our children as adults/

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 30/06/2017 07:20

I used to have to let my mum know my plans, it is courtesy. I have to say I did revel in the freedom at uni though. It felt amazing to be able to breeze through my door at 1am and go out again at 3am without anyone freaking out!

hettie · 30/06/2017 08:27

If you live with other adults it's common courtesy to let them know approx when you'll be back. If my dh left the house at 8pm saying I'm off out and then I hadn't heard from him at 2 in the morning I'd be worried ....

GeorgeTheHamster · 30/06/2017 08:42

My 18yo DS1 was out in our city last night and got in at about 3.30. I'm pretty tired today but I won't make that his responsibility. Our deal is that he will text me (just a smiley not an update) a couple of times so I know he is ok. I have my phone on do not disturb but when I wake up I can see he's still alive. It helps and I appreciate it. But I'm still pretty tired!

It will be easier for me when he goes to uni in the autumn. But he's eighteen, his A levels have been a long slog and we live in city suburbs. He's entitled to go out late. I just wish he'd lock the bloody door and out the alarm on when he gets in 😱

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