to be pissed off that my SIL is muscling in

[therealladygrantham]

My DH's single sister lives abroad, she was 60 earlier this year and we are meeting her in London next month for an outing including drinks and dinner at a really nice restaurant, all as our birthday treat to her (no present was given!). We are taking our 2 kids 18 and 21 and looking forward to it. This was all booked about 2 months ago.

Now my SIL who we all like has magically arranged a weekend in London ( she lives in Scotland) and is suddenly available to join us I am pissed off as it will be a very different evening if she comes ( ie endless childhood reminiscences) plus she will not offer to pay for herself and my DH will come over all magnanimous and even if she does offer he will wave her purse away.

My thoughts are coloured by their late mother who in 25 years of knowing her never paid for so much as a coffee and always bestowed her company as though it was her gift to you and this daughter is in the same mould. I have said she can j

[therealladygrantham]

blackamericanonosugar
That is brilliant - I'll try and get my DH to write something similar!

[mickeysminnie]

If your husband will not let your sil pay, even if she offers, I really don't think there is anything you can do.
I would think about whether you really want to attend, maybe send the kids with your dh?

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

You could also add an option that lets her avoid the meal (and the bill) but still save face. e.g. "If the timing or the menu doesn't appeal to you then we will be going for a lovely drink and chat session in X bar afterwards. Let us know which suits you better. We're looking forward to seeing you."

[Getoutofthatgarden]

Ignore the people saying you are being unreasonable. There was a thread last week about a man expecting his friend to pay £23 for his coffee and cakes, not one person disagreed with the poster that he was an entitled user and to cut him out.

I would tell SIL, "great that you can make it, it's £100 per head is that ok with you?"

[WomblingThree]

Getoutofthatgarden about the last 20 posters have said just that

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

Ignore the people saying you are being unreasonable

The posts saying that she was unreasonable (including mine) were based on what was written in the OP, before she updated, where the fact that the dynamic would change seemed to be the main concern.

OP, if the money is the real sticking point for you, whether it's affordability or the principle, then no, you're not being unreasonable.

[allegretto]

We don't have that much to do with her.

I would just suck it up this time then - it will be nice for the birthday girl and in the grand scheme of things, I would just keep quiet annoying though it is!

[livefornaps]

No @mickeys - not going would just create more drama! Scottish sis seems nice enoough, she just never puts her hand in her pocket. Plus why should OP miss out on her nice dinner?!

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

If your dh is insisting on paying and money may be an issue, could you consider an alternative less expensive place?

[RedPeppers]

Who says that the 'b'day woman' actually wants her dsis there?
What about if she was really looking forward to spend the evening with her dbro and his family? But not with her other sis there
She might have vey little to do with the scottish sis as the OP.

Tbh I think that the other sis is treating as a way to get free meal at a nice restaurant. You just dont crash someone's b'day like this.

[sweetheart]

Why don't you or dh contact Scottish SIL and say "we were planning to pay for other SIL as a birthday treat - do you want to come in on that with us or are you just happy paying for yourself?"

Makes it pretty clear you expect her to pay for herself

[Getoutofthatgarden]

@WomblingThree
@TheDevilMadeMeDoIt

No it quite clearly says in OPs first post that tight-arse sister will not offer to pay for herself.

[muckypup73]

Just tell her to get her purse out x

[Getoutofthatgarden]

^ Haha muckypup73 I like it, purse out, notes out.

[therealladygrantham]

Thanks for everyone's views...some of you have been rather nasty but mostly constructive and actually offered some possible ways to proceed, which is very useful.
crunched has it exactly! Ditto millifiori and livefornaps thabnk you all for your understanding posts.

It's both the money and the parachuting in to our plans that get to me...however you have given me some strategies to try to get DH to adopt and if he doesn't well...I tried! I'm sure we'll all have a nice time whatever happens, it's just that these things add up over the years and are so frustrating.

I'm off now, thanks all.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I think Americano's text is good, with the added 'get out' clause of "if the timings/restaurant doesn't suit you do you want to meet us for drinks afterwards, or will you be arranging something separate with [overseas SIL]?"

[Gemini69]

I just wanted to say... I absolutely understand where your coming from.. you've arranged a lovely gifted weekend for your SIL in London.. and it's being hijacked by the freeloading local SIL... once again...

I'd be seriously pissed off.. I hate freeloaders regardless of whether they're siblings or whatever.. Pay YOUR OWN WAY People... x

[lottiegarbanzo]

I thought you were right from the off OP!

This is a treat to birthday SIL from your family, with your family. It's an opportunity for your DCs to spend a lovely, properly grown-up evening with their aunt. It sounds as though, with other SIL there, you and the two DCs will be relegated to being spare parts at your own dinner party!

I see that as massively rude of Scottish sil, even if she was paying for herself. If your DH or she or visiting SIL had wanted a big siblings get together celebration they could have organised that without you, certainly not expecting you to play pushed-out-host or your DCs to be seen-and-not-heard-spare-parts.

[choli]

It's your DH's family, I would leave all decisions about it to him.

[Gemini69]

She IS DH's family Choli ..... she's his Wife.. she also makes decisions...

[lazycrazyhazy]

I have a similar BIL who whilst he is DH's bro has simply taken and given nothing (emotionally too not just fiscally).

I suggest, if you can persuade DH, that you agree with her in advance that the 2 siblings treat the Birthday sister. So she pays her bill and half sister's bill... would that work? I think pre arrangement is the key personally.

[emmyrose2000]

There's no way anyone/OP should pay for Scottish SIL's meal, and she has a damn cheek if she thinks anyone should.

This meal is being paid for as overseas SIL's birthday present. It's no different than if OP gave her a physical present (say, a book). Would anyone (other than maybe Scottish SIL herself) think Scottish SIL should also get a present under those circumstances? No. The same principle applies to the birthday meal.

A heads up text to Scottish SIL with a link to the restaurant, and a comment about how they expect it to run to about 100pp should hopefully clue her in that she needs to pay for herself. Asking if she wants to go halves in paying for overseas SIL's meal as well as her own should definitely lay it out for her!