to be pissed off that my SIL is muscling in

[therealladygrantham]

My DH's single sister lives abroad, she was 60 earlier this year and we are meeting her in London next month for an outing including drinks and dinner at a really nice restaurant, all as our birthday treat to her (no present was given!). We are taking our 2 kids 18 and 21 and looking forward to it. This was all booked about 2 months ago.

Now my SIL who we all like has magically arranged a weekend in London ( she lives in Scotland) and is suddenly available to join us I am pissed off as it will be a very different evening if she comes ( ie endless childhood reminiscences) plus she will not offer to pay for herself and my DH will come over all magnanimous and even if she does offer he will wave her purse away.

My thoughts are coloured by their late mother who in 25 years of knowing her never paid for so much as a coffee and always bestowed her company as though it was her gift to you and this daughter is in the same mould. I have said she can j

[MrsOverTheRoad]

Meh. I think you sound a bit self centered.

[seasonschooner]

I call reverse. But YABVVVVVVVVUUUUUU!

[SpitefulMidLifeAnimal]

I am pissed off as it will be a very different evening if she comes ( ie endless childhood reminiscences)

Ah, so the focus will be off you and the kids, you mean...

[gillybeanz]

Maybe the siblings can arrange something with your dc and you can just butt the fuck out. Why not find something to do on your own and leave them to it?
YABU and sound jealous or worried that others will steal the limelight.
Grow up, springs to mind.
I hope they do have lots of childhood memories to reminisce.

[seasonschooner]

Yes you would be in the way. Please let the siblings enjoy an evening together alone.

[therealladygrantham]

Chloe84
Is she good to you or does she treat you badly?
We don't have that much to do with her...she's nice but has never had much interest in our family and children.

Does she expect everyone to always pay for her?
Yes...always always always!

Did you arrange this birthday dinner or did DH?
DH did but it's going to cost us about £100 a head, and we agreed to do it, and I KNOW she won't pay for herself.

Does she deliberately try to elbow you out of conversations?
Not exactly but she is very chatty which is nice, but when the 3 of them are together no one else gets a look in. It will just have a very different vibe if she's there.

Did DH originally want SIL at the dinner? How did SIL find out about the dinner?
No, it was entirely our plan to treat other SIL.

Does SIL have a relationship with you and your DC or is she just coming because her sister will be there?
Has very distant relationship, if she phones up we will chat for 5 minutes and then I pass her on to DH...they speak about once every couple of months

Sounds like most of you think iabu ...obviously I can't put the last 30 years into a post but maybe I just need to back off...but I am fed up if we end up paying for her too...it's always the same

[livefornaps]

Well, that escalated quickly!!!

Let's remember that we don't actually know anything about the family dynamic.

Maybe Scottish sis is really overbearing & rattles off the same old stories every time. Then goes suspiciously quiet or "excuses herself" when the bill comes knowing that good old bro will come through, as always.

These are the types of resentments that build over years & years & years. So I do think, OP, that it is still not your place to arrange the birthday meal, but remember her & her kids are there too (and the adult children are also being treated so I presume OP wants them to have a good time too and maybe in the past their aunt has been really overbearing/got too drunk/been rude/fuck knows what)

There's really no need to tell the op to butt the fuck out. Having a bad day, are we?

OP, please come back, some of us are genuinely interested

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

thereallady this bit stood out to me from your OP:

we are meeting her in London next month for an outing including drinks and dinner at a really nice restaurant, all as our birthday treat to her (no present was given!). We are taking our 2 kids 18 and 21 and looking forward to it.

I'm afraid that reads as though you were looking forward to you and DH playing Lord and Lady Bountiful, and at the end of the day the glory for it would be all yours. There will be four members of your family there, so the one sister whose birthday it is will be very clear as to the source of all this largesse.

Having the other sister there will completely change the dynamic of the day. Regardless of who pays for what, the sisters and brother will be at the centre of it, reminiscing and sharing old private jokes. You will no longer have a central role. Despite the fact that the sibs will have a whale of a time, and the birthday girl will love it, you don't like not being queen bee.

If you want to do the whole 'aren't we generous and fabulous' routine, do it another time. if the sister lives abroad presumably she's not just hopping over to London for the day.

[livefornaps]

Oh, sorry. Cross posted. I think you need to make it crystal clear to your husband that you don't want a hundred quid of family money going on an adult who is perfectly capable of paying for herself! And that it "cancels out" the treat to the birthday sister if the other one is paid for too. I do sympathise, in some families this "obligation" reflex is very pronounced and it's annoying when you think that that money could be spent on your own kids !

[therealladygrantham]

livefornaps
I appreciate your thoughtful post - it's more her sense of entitlement for her to be treated too as we see her so little.. I know it's not my treat but it's not her treat either!

Anyway thank you everyone, I take your points.. sounds like I need to suck it up

[WomblingThree]

To be fair, your family are going out for a wanky dinner and taking DHs sister.

If the other sister wants to come all you need to say is "brilliant, it's £100 a head and the restaurant need payment up front. How many of you will you need to pay for?" Don't make it complicated.

[drspouse]

If you are really fed up of her not paying her way, address it beforehand. Scottish sister can be told beforehand "it's going to cost about this much and we're treating overseas sister but to avoid awkwardness with it being her birthday would you mind transferring it to us beforehand"?

The dynamic/topics of conversation are not the issue, except if you make them such. Do your DC not want to hear about their DF's childhood?

[drspouse]

X-post with Wombling

[peterpancollar]

This is a hard one unless you cannot afford the extra £100. Yes, I can see that even if the birthday girl invited her sibling, it's a little cheeky if not rude to basically say, would you mind paying for one more - especially at £100 + for someone who wasn't invited in the first place. How about rearranging the meal & drinks at a less expensive restaurant?

[SaltySalt]

Yep give her a heads up on the cost

[FizzyGreenWater]

I suggest you ask her if she will be ok with £100 a head.

[crunched]

Out of line with the others on here, I totally get where you are coming from ladygrantham.
It was a lovely idea for you and your family to take DHs sister out for her birthday. My child-free sister really appreciates time with her almost-adult nieces/nephews, and another adult there is sure to encroach on the chat.
Presumably her sister could have arranged her own birthday treat with her sister whilst they are in the same country.

Of course, the three siblings may want to make a date to get together, but this evening was for you, your DH and your DC to make a fuss in honour of being 60.

Other posters may not have family who muscle in andtakeover special days, especially when paid for by someone else.
If you really can't avoid SIL joining in (and I guess the final decision will have to be DHs) drop her a text saying you just wanted to make sure she knows this is your birthday present to other sister and you don't want to be faffing about with money on the day, so would she like to pay for the champagne/wine as her contribution. At least then there is no free-loading.

[millifiori]

OP, if you are on relatively friendly terms, can you not call or email her and tell her you are all going to a very special restaurant and that as her birthday present you are paying for other sis and it's £100+ per head, - just to warn her when the bill comes not to have a shock, or if she doesn't feel comfortable paying that amount to maybe meet you earlier for coffee instead?

But tbh, unless that extra £100 will put you in debt or be a notable hardship, I'd just pay, and enjoy the glow of being generous and getting the family together. Far better to have a harmonious family get together than be £100 better off. She'll have paid fares and presumably hotel rates just so she can get to see her own sister. She doesn't sound like a complete freeloader. Maybe she's a bit harder up than you?

[livefornaps]

I understand, OP - there's one in every family, no matter how pleasant their company it can always grate to see them treated every time. What irks more is when the person is actually oblivious as to what their treat means (y'know, people are putting down their hard-earned dosh for you...!!) I think I go the opposite way, as in "OMG THANKSSOMUCHFORDINNER ETERNALLYGRATEFULLLLL" and it means it actually nearly upsets me to see other people treated and it's barely acknowledged!!! Argh.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I think a pre-emptive text is in order. "Just to let you know that DH is paying for birthday SIL's meal. Would you like to halves on that, or would you rather just pay for your own meal? We are expecting it to be approx £100 per head."

[problembottom]

I think you're getting a harsh reaction but then I hate tight people who expect you to pay for everything!

Think I'd have lied and said the restaurant wouldn't let you add anyone - nice places often get booked months in advance so it would seem credible.

Failing that I'd ring or text tight arse directly, be absolutely lovely in your manner, tell her how much it will cost and check that she's happy to pay it saying you don't want her to get a shock on the night. Tell her that you know she's such a lovely understanding person that you were sure she wouldn't expect your DH to pay for her in addition to everyone else.

[PuppyMonkey]

Yep, Americano's text is perfect.

[Charleymouse]

YANBU!

Having a similar type of SIL I know where you are coming from.

All attention has to be on them.
They never, never (and I mean never) pay their own way.
Monopolise the conversation and turn everything into a discussion about them.
Change the dynamic of a group.

[BrokenBattleDroid]

"Just to let you know that DH is paying for birthday SIL's meal. Would you like to halves on that, or would you rather just pay for your own meal? We are expecting it to be approx £100 per head."

This from BlackAmericano is perfect. YABVU to exclude but totally understand you don't want to pay for her.

[therealladygrantham]

millifiori
Thank you, that's a lovely non confrontational way to solve this! - also she's going to a concert so just happens to be around that weekend