To expect potty training support from preschool

[Areyoufree]

Genuine question.

My son is 3.5 and up until recently, has refused to even consider the idea of using a potty or the loo. Last week he said he wanted to wear pants and so we put in him loose shorts over the weekend, and he did pretty well. Even was dry at night! He's pretty good at knowing when he needs a wee, but seems to struggle with knowing when he needs a poo. Overall though, it has been a success.

Back at preschool, where he is 5 days a week, and he has had a few accidents. Both days now, when we have gone to pick him up, they have put him back in a nappy. I can understand them not wanting to be cleaning up all the time, but I am not sure how else he is to learn. Is it unreasonable to expect them to support him with learning to use the loo, or should he be completely accident-free before we send him without a nappy?

It's the parents job to train them. Pre-school won't mind the odd accident but two a day means he isn't ready.

It's the pre schools job to follow the EYFS.

Um.

I have worked in nurseries and now a playgroup. All were 100% supportive when it came to toilet training. We follow your lead. I have sometimes had multiple changes to do on the same child in a day. They are busy, I'm busy and sometimes a fraction too late to remind. As long as the parents send multiple clothes changes (including socks btw) then we just get on with it.

It's not my favourite part of the job but that's just the nature of the thing tbh.

I agree that the nursery should support you, 2 accidents a day is a lot but it's just over 2 days, they need to continue and be consistent at least for a couple of weeks. If after that they are still dealing with 2+ accidents every day then they'd be reasonable to ask you to take time off to 'train' him better or to put him back in nappies for a bit more before they take over. Nursery is a different setting so the child needs to get used to it, doesn't mean he's not ready! My younger daughter stopped nappies just before 2yrs old. From that day on she was perfect at home (no accident at all, dry at night as well) but she took longer at nursery and some days (not most but some) would have 2 or 3 accidents, but that's because she can get very shy and did not ask for the toilets /got distracted and the staff didn't pay enough attention to her on this (as a lot of the other kids in that age group were still in nappies). But they handled it and eventually it all worked out. I would have been annoyed if they'd put her back in nappies as she was clearly ready.

I never understood ppl suggesting it's not the nursery's job to 'train' them.. It may not be their job to get it started but they should definitely work with the parents to continue down that path. Just like with everything else! We let nursery introduce solids to our babies if they start there young enough, we expect them to teach them a lot of important skills, why not that?

So much easier for everyone to get them out by 2

Well yes. Except how many were "trained" and how many were mothers (and chances are it was just mothers) simply trying to catch the kid before an accident happens.

My DD is at private school. They take fully in nappies and train for you if you so wish.

All those saying it's only 2 accidents a day, what if all the children have 2 accidents a day?! How much time is that wasting wirh staff cleaning them and not doing what they should be doing?

As I said, take a week off work, keep them off nursery and crack it, go back to nursery dry, problem solved. A couple of days over a weekend is not enough to really get it sorted, so the nursery is doing the bulk of training for you which isn't fair.

All those saying it's only 2 accidents a day, what if all the children have 2 accidents a day?! How much time is that wasting wirh staff cleaning them and not doing what they should be doing?

Like changing nappies for example. Supporting with potty training will surely lead to less work in the future not more . And to suggest that if you take a week of work all children will be dry is just ridiculous. It's more likely you'd take a week off work, the new environment will confuse the child for a few days, he/she will have a few accidents and the useless nursery pops him back in nappies bloody terrific.

Tbh the main gripe that nursery had over potty training when mine were there was that they'd work at it all week (fine, with a smile totally supportive), they'd then bump into the child with the parents at the weekend and he/she would be back in a nappy..... And guess what they'd be starting again on Monday.

That really isn't my experience at all but perhaps I've been lucky then

Not mine either justmum. Everyone I know who planned it properly, took the time off with their child and followed the plan to the letter nailed it within the week, often within 4 days. Obviously we don't all have the luxury of taking time off work and this doesn't account for children with specialist needs, but I truly fail to see how it can turn into such a palarver.

Ok I work in this area in an excellent nursery and I can tell you now, I can recall just one child in 8yrs of being there that we insisted went back into nappies until child was ready. I honestly believe parents wanted us to do the actual toilet training in this case. He would have an accident approximately every half hour. No matter how many times sent to the bathroom (and supported with this), this child would both wet and soil himself. It honestly got to the point where one of us was in the bathroom almost constantly because between changing him and the other children throughout the day was a full time job in itself. He was simply not ready.
Now this may be the case for your ds but two accidents a day is entirely acceptable imo. And at his age, unless there are other circumstances you've not explained (a delay for example) he should be ready.
Is there any way of you taking time off work? To concentrate on it for a week or two? I used the Easter holidays to train my son and then the summer to finish because he wasn't ready to poo in the toilet before that. (Waited until his nighttime pull-up was on).

Also. I agree that pull-ups are confusing for children training but more so when they're not actually ready. I think your nursery sounds a bit lazy to put him back in nappies and telling you they don't like pull-ups is a bit silly. Nappies are far more restrictive for a child trying to use the toilet, and if an accident is had in a pull-up it's much cleaner and less traumatic to the child who feels they've failed at getting to the toilet in time.

Just my two cents

That really isn't my experience at all but perhaps I've been lucky then hmm

Well yes, my first one potty trained at 2.4 and had hardly any accidents. I was about people having issues with potty training until dd2 who was a total and utter nightmare.

Thankfully nursery were supportive as I think most are in reality.

justmum it isn't always done in a week, I trained my twins, one was done in a matter of days, the other one still has regular accidents 6 months in . In my case I suspect it has to do with the DC's personnalities, one is very eager to please and "do what is expected", the other one is more of a dreamer who doesn't really care about what everybody thinks and would rather wee himself than interrupt what he is doing. No SN.

Am surprised at people saying that it doesn't sound like my son is ready - he's 3.5, been dry over night for 4 out of 5 nights now, and is happily using the potty without accidents at home. Not sure what else constitutes being ready! As for taking time off work to potty train him - am not sure how that would help - he's fine at home. He only has accidents at nursery.

Anyway, yesterday went better, and it looks like we are getting there. There are some really diverse answers on this thread though! Trying to ignore the people who had an easy time of potty training so just assume that all children can get it straightaway.

It sounds like he's definitely ready. When you say he's small and can't get on and off the toilet, can you work with the nursery to teach him this.

Does he not use the toilet at home? My 3.5 year old is tiny (under the bottom on the centile chart for height!) but can climb on and off an adult toilet and nursery ones are usually smaller.

Is he scared of using the toilet?
Do you have the potty in the same room at home?
Are you constantly reminding him? (If you don't, are nursery constantly reminding him-some children get really irritated by this and refuse to go even when they need it because someone else has told them to).
Can he get his trousers down without help?
Is there hand driers or something else in the nursery toilets he doesn't like?
Are they really dirty? (My friends DD wet in nursery for months, completely dry at home and it turned out there was always wee on the seat and floor and she didn't like going. Once friend worked out what the problem was, they got her DD to tell staff who would clean toilet before she went!)

Just seems like there must be some reason why he's not going at nursery if he's completely dry at home.
Have you asked him why? Can you go into nursery with him to let him show you the toilets? He may tell you something while you are there that he can't articulate at home.

You don't have to answer the questions, was just more for thought as there is nearly always a reason behind these things and once you find out what it is, it's usually easier to fix the problem.

Are you sending enough spare clothes? I would put a child back In a nappy if they were on their last spare set of clothes. We simply don't have enough spare clothes at nursery to provide for toilet training.