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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect potty training support from preschool

66 replies

Areyoufree · 28/06/2017 08:39

Genuine question.

My son is 3.5 and up until recently, has refused to even consider the idea of using a potty or the loo. Last week he said he wanted to wear pants and so we put in him loose shorts over the weekend, and he did pretty well. Even was dry at night! He's pretty good at knowing when he needs a wee, but seems to struggle with knowing when he needs a poo. Overall though, it has been a success.

Back at preschool, where he is 5 days a week, and he has had a few accidents. Both days now, when we have gone to pick him up, they have put him back in a nappy. I can understand them not wanting to be cleaning up all the time, but I am not sure how else he is to learn. Is it unreasonable to expect them to support him with learning to use the loo, or should he be completely accident-free before we send him without a nappy?

OP posts:
Tatlerer · 28/06/2017 09:47

If it's a nursery they should absolutely support you and follow your lead, but I do agree with the poster who said it pays to get them established first, before sending them in.
Different nurseries/Preschools have different rules about this kind of thing though. My daughter started a preschool last Sept and they have to be fully trained and in pants (at 2 and a half!). Most girls were fine (it's a nursery class attached to a girls school) but one or two struggled which wasn't fun for them or their parents.

claritytobeclear · 28/06/2017 09:49

The other thing that worked with mine was reminding them to try at set times. You could get nursery to do this. My DC's did and there were far fewer accidents.

OddBoots · 28/06/2017 09:58

They should be supporting you by taking him to the toilet frequently or at least supporting him in finding a way of communicating his need. Is he making it to the toilet at all at pre-school or is he only having accidents?

If he is having no success at all in making it to the toilet in the setting then it is understandable to switch back to nappies after 2 accidents per day, not just because it is a lot for them to clear up but also because the other children will be picking up on it (however subtle the staff try to be) and then it could become socially awkward for him.

x2boys · 28/06/2017 10:12

no nursery or preschool can insist on children being fully trained Tatlerer as it discriminates against children with disabillities even schools cant insist.

GreyCloudsToday · 28/06/2017 10:15

Hi, we had the same problem with our DC nursery. They constantly lied to us when we found him in nappies, saying it was bank staff who didn't know he was training... But in the end it transpired they were using several nappies per day with him. I was really cross as he had been fully trained at home for weeks, and we didn't even know he wasn't dry at nursery!

We heard from his key worker that he wasn't even asking for the potty at nursery and seemed to be scared to get the teacher's attention. We made loads of games called "tell teacher" and played them at home. We got sticker chart for every day without accidents and he could get a new toy when he got 5 stickers. He was dry at nursery within a week, and we kept the stickers going for a few weeks to keep his interest. Hope you get things sorted, I think your nursery are BU and you should keep a close eye on them.

Original poster
Areyoufree · 28/06/2017 10:16

Tatlerer Jeepers. That's tough!
Oddboots It sounds like he is making it most of the time. I think part of the issue is his size (very small for his age), so he has trouble getting on the loo and has to ask for help. We've suggested they let him use the potty, which might help.
Clarity Unfortunately if you suggest he might like to try going, he will refuse and get rather irate. He wants to do it by himself. Stubborn bugger.

OP posts:
Clandestino · 28/06/2017 10:22

I wouldn't expect nursery to support the potty training. It's up to the parents.
I feel that some parents believe that the nurseries and schools should not only educate but also supplement family upbringing. That's wrong.

Original poster
Areyoufree · 28/06/2017 10:28

Clandestino I mostly agree with you - our nursery is a locally funded, not for profit organisation. This means that they are very reasonably priced, but I imagine that it also means that their staff are not particularly well paid. As long as they keep my kids clean, safe, and happy, I am happy. I don't expect them to potty train my son, but he seems pretty keen to go without a nappy, and is almost completely dry at home (went the whole weekend without a nappy - night and day). It seems a shame to put him back in nappies for nursery, but he has had a couple of accidents there. If he has to be completely dry before going nappy free, then I will put him back in nappies for nursery, and wait until we have a week over the summer holidays. Just wanted to get other opinions on what the 'normal' approach is.

OP posts:
HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 28/06/2017 11:00

I would have thought that part of running a preschool aged class, is reminding children to go to the toilet. Once a child is out of nappies they should be relatively easy to slot in to a system that checks and reminds them - they will all need that when absorbed in activities, whether they have only just trained or been out of nappies since they were 2.

Tatlerer · 28/06/2017 13:56

x2boys ours does insist! Maybe because it's a private school? Not sure. Either way, they say they don't have nappy changing facilities so that's that. The odd 'incident' is totally fine (have been sent home with wet pants several times in the last 9 months) but if a girl is clearly not trained they can't go.

Spikeyball · 28/06/2017 14:04

Tatlerer, no school is allowed to refuse a child on the grounds they are not toilet trained. Having that as a condition of entry is unlawful.

Tatlerer · 28/06/2017 15:49

Well then I guess they are breaking the law spikey. But it's on their website so I can only assume they've taken advice. Anyway, the good news is that all 22 girls who started in that class in September and subsequent terms are still there. Any girls who haven't been potty trained at the beginning of one term have just joined part way through/ at the beginning of the next.

BlurryFace · 28/06/2017 17:20

My playschool was very happy to try DS1 on the loo every 30 minutes. I supplied them with extra clothing changes and nappies and told them it was ok if they gave up and put him in them instead, but they didn't.

I did start training him in the half term hoping to send him in with it established but it has been hard work with him having to build up to longer between toilet visits very gradually, it's been months of him doing wees in the toilet or potty but only the last couple of weeks he's stopped hiding from me so he can poo his pants and he's still in nappies at night. Not all kids stick to a schedule.

My HV told me no going back into nappies once I started training him, but I ignored that otherwise I'd have been changing his clothes on narrow pavements while holding on to DS2's buggy for the first few weeks.

insancerre · 28/06/2017 17:27

Yanbu
Just ask them not to put him in nappies
But do be prepared for accidents
I think a meeting is called for to discuss it properly

Mollieben · 28/06/2017 20:19

Don't use pull-ups - they feel like a nappy and won't help potty training.i work in a nursery - we expect children who are potty training to have several accidents and have never put children back in nappy unless the parent has requested it

StripyHorse · 28/06/2017 23:20

Private day care nurseries should be supportive - yes you can't expect them to do all the work for you, but you should expect them to continue what you have started. When dc were small ours even gave us a pack about potty training.

Useful tip nursery gave us - jelly shoes / crocs are great for potty training because in the case of accidents they can be washed, dried and put straight back on. Seems obvious but it never crossed my mind with dd1!!

Lndnmummy · 29/06/2017 06:58

They should be helping you for sure. Mine was 3 1:2 when he started and they were really helpful. He had his first every dry day at nursery. They used to take a group of them at regular intervals i.e. every couple of hours.

Lndnmummy · 29/06/2017 06:59

Putting him back in a nappy is really wrong that if anything will confuse himAngry

rockcake · 29/06/2017 07:04

Yesterday 08:48 MrsJayy

Back in the day when mine were in preschool rule was they had to be toilet trained unless they had acmedical problem obviously or preschool wouldn't take them.**

x2boys · 29/06/2017 07:04

well they should be reported Tatlerer i assume they wont take children with disabillities then anyway i digress.

rockcake · 29/06/2017 07:06

The above

So much easier for everyone to get them out by 2

We've just got got lazy

Spikeyball · 29/06/2017 07:14

Except that you may not know that there is a medical problem at that age. Also being slightly later to to train may be the only medical problem.

x2boys · 29/06/2017 07:20

indeed Spikey my son has autism and learning disabillities he is only just getting ready too train now and hes seven he wasent diagnosed at two though but he still had it .

Increasinglymiddleaged · 29/06/2017 07:28

Yanbu op, that sounds really poor. I always found nursery supportive in the extreme - they just continued what you were doing at home. Using the toilet is part of the EYFS anyway so at that age it is 'education' as defined by the government.