To like myself??

[Alexkate2468]

I've lurked for a while but this is my first post and Im wondering (actually I'm pretty sure that you can) if you can give me an honest opinion about something that happened today.

I need to write this without sounding like a dick. Basically, I'm quite a confident person, I'm not loud and bossy but equally not one to be pushed around or be afraid to say what I really think. I love to laugh and generally enjoy life. I'm not perfect and when I screw up I can either laugh at myself or say sorry. I don't believe in putting myself down and admit I find it irritating when other women do this to fish for compliments (I understand when people genuinely need encouragement - I think...). I think I'm fairly reasonable and honest about where I am in life and I don't pretend everything is perfect - I'm fairly candid. I don't usually let other people's opinions of me bother me but today, a friend realty stung me by saying, "yes, but you have an unusual amount of confidence and are really sure of yourself, women don't like women like you." It was said in quite a 'snarly' way.

Is this true? Why can we not be confident and realistic about ourselves? Why can't we see the good in ourselves, admit but not dwell on our faults and like who we are? Is it really an unlikeable trait? Do you like to have confident friends? For some reason I feel a bit bruised and that's not like me.

I don't think your confidence is the problem. Your friend might have had something going on today that affected her mood. Confidence in general is a good thing, as long as it comes with realism and sensitivity and humility.

I have lots of confident friends and I really can't imagine what your 'friend' is talking about. I say 'friend' because actually she sounds like a bit of a dick don't you? What a P/A thing to say to you! Sounds to me like she's projecting a bit too!

I feel you. I refuse to hate myself and join in with moaning about the size of my arse or my saggy tits or whatever.

I don't really get it when people can't say no to stuff because they are 'too nice', it totally baffles me.

I don't think I'm arrogant, in fact I've suffered from a lot of problems with my mental health and in some ways I have low self esteem, but I definitely don't hate myself like many women seem to. It makes me really sad to see my female friends unable to see that they are intelligent/pretty/nice/whatever.

I work with someone who sounds a little like you describe yourself. I don't have a problem with confidence, but the way you describe yourself (and the way the person is that I know) is just a bit too perfect to be true!! I guess the people I'm most drawn to show their human-ness! Their lack of perfection makes them human and warm. I don't think it's necessarily the confidence that might have irritated your friend, but that it perhaps makes you appear a little too perfect/inaccessible to us mere mortals! The way you describe yourself is a text book definition of how one 'should be' (you know, very well balanced, confident not arrogant, seeing the flaws but not dwelling etc..) but in reality most of us can't achieve that! We kind of like others that can't either! cos it shows us they r human like us (I think the fact you feel hurt and maybe angry illustrates you are human!!! Your friend probably unconsciously was hoping to achieve this! I don't think she was being mean intentionally, just maybe desperate to find some imperfection and humanness with which to connect

I can see your point toomuchwine and I was hoping that the way I described myself wouldn't make it sound like I was perfect - I'm far from it. I genuinely think I am warm and human...
Bigyellowjumper - I've had problems with anxiety and depression in the past too and I think working through them has got me to where I am. I really am at peace (cheesy phrase) with who I am and I really don't mean to irritate anyone. I just want to be happy and get on with the life I have. My friend is usually lovely - perhaps she did have something going on... I'm sure I'll feel better about it in the morning.

I aM A woman's woman, but I can't cope with how women collude with each other , like a big unspoken group decision not to truly shine. So yes, women can find confidence, and a refusal to play small, a bit intimidating. But you find your people, like you ive had anxiety and depression as well as addiction problems. Big stuff to work through, so you find a lot of self acceptance, and you find others who are on that same path.

I would talk to your friend, find out what SHF feels about it when she not riled and feeling snarley.

I think insecure women may find you a problem. I'd be glad you were my friend and take a leaf out of your book if it were me xx

I think it's great to have confidence and be sure of yourself, nothing wrong there at all!

But, not everyone does. Some women actually are genuinely down on themselves and not 'fishing for compliments' when they say negative things about themselves. You don't understand that as you are so confident, kind of like some people who aren't, find your confidence hard to understand also.

Some people also see very confidence people as lacking realness or warmth, but in short I don't think there is anything wrong whatsoever about having great confidence, as long as you are not judging others who don't, and are generally a kind, awesome, cool person.

I can't cope with how women collude with each other , like a big unspoken group decision not to truly shine

Exactly. It seems there is this constant need to put ourselves down, call ourselves fat, end up martyring ourselves for our families...I don't know if other women truly feel that down about themselves or if it's just politeness but I really don't like it.

Personally I would be reconsidering the title "friend".

"Women don't like..." really means "I don't like" doesn't it?

She's wrong btw. I too have an "unusual amount of confidence". I have lots of female friends.

If she has issue with self esteem then that's a shame but it's her issue. Not yours.

I'd be hurt by the comment but I'd mostly be angry - it's highly manipulative. I'd be backing off.

Watch that "friend" and yourself. Come and hang around with me. I love people like you. I'm confident and I don't give a fuck. Sure, I'm not the best or look like a supermodel but I'm doing my best and that's good enough for me. I achieved an awful lot in life with confidence, grit and chutzpah. If someone doesn't like it or is riddle with insecurities and needs to bring me down, they can gtfo. I like people like you OP, I'm always learning from them how to make peace with myself and like me and strive for more.
And how is being confident lacking in "realness" or "humanness"? Wtf is that about? Moaning about the size of your arse is a waste of time while there's so much you can do in life. You can be nice to people without bringing yourself down to make Debbie Downer feel good about herself. You can help people (and have humanness) without Being an insecure person.

I wish I was more like you OP. I'm outwardly confident but filled with self doubt. I really don't like it when women are accused of being jealous of other women as if we are all some big homogeneous hive mind

I have pretty poor levels of confidence, but I think your attitude rocks!

Don't let her get to you.

I can't cope with how women collude with each other , like a big unspoken group decision not to truly shine

I also agree.

One thing I'm particularly tired of is the horror of ageing. So many of my friends make comments about 'old bags like us' and 'might as well give up at our age!'.

We are bloody 43! My mum has nearly 30 years on that, and is still having a fun, productive, vibrant life. It actually pisses me off that they insist on including me in their whole 'we're so old we might as all throw ourselves in a hole' attitude.

we're so old we might as all throw ourselves in a hole

OMG I hate it. I hate the whole 'I'm too old for that' thing like once you're over 30 you must stay in knitting bonnets and staring at photos of kittens.

I have never felt too old to do ANYTHING. Who gives a shit? Too old to go backpacking? Or to wear a miniskirt? Or to learn a new skill? It's just so fucked up, and I think a lot of people say those things out of fear because they are too afraid to do those things, or worried people will laugh. But how are you going to feel when you're 80 and the only time you legitimately felt able to do things was between like 18 and 30? What a waste of a life!

Is this person a friend or frenemy?

I went through a period of not liking myself. After certain events, I can now say actually, I like myself, I have a brilliant life and I'm more than pleased with my lot.

I think the more negative you are, the more it opens you up to being vulnerable and this then makes it ok for others to criticise your short comings, they see you doing it so feel it's ok for them.

If more people could genuinely love themselves for who they are and this began to spread, the more confidence we would gain and who knows what we could achieve! It's sounding cheesy but it's true.

I hate that it's considered weird to actually like yourself because it's so ingrained that we are too thin, too fat, too rich, too poor, too blonde, too brown etc or that our lives are not insta perfect!

When I meet up with friends, family etc I always say hello and then give them a compliment, love your shoes, you look great etc. A friend hated it and always gave back a negative, now she accepts it with a thank you and has started doing the same to her friend.

So no, you are absolutely nbu for loving/liking yourself!!

I knew a girl years ago who would always says "She's beautiful and she knows it" about other girls (we were in high school at the time) in a scathing way as if knowing your beautiful was the biggest sin ever.
I have also found it common that confident people are described as up themselves. It seems even some woman want us as a gender to stay meek :-(

I am working on having more of the type of confidence you possess OP.
From your friends point of view, could your confidence and self assurance mean that you dismiss other people's opinions and feelings too quickly (I have a friend like this.) When you talk about other people 'fishing for compliments' it sounds like you don't empathise well with people who lack self confidence. For people who feel fat or stupid that is their reality and them talking about it is just them being candid about their feelings.
It was a really mean thing of your friend to say btw and perhaps the above doesn't apply to you at all but just trying to think about the reasoning behind her saying that.

In that case OP, it sounds like it's your friends issue! Just ignore her! Maybe she's a bit jealous!

I used to find fault in myself. Been through a lot and now I accept and like myself.

People do seem more uncomfortable now im not prepared to be a scapegoat.

However true friends love me more. Abd most importantly I love me.

It does sound a bit dickish like that but fuck it, there's some brilliant stuff upthread about looking back and not having given yourself permission to enjoy life because of having a big arse or wrinkles.

Im much better at my job due to experience, have more confidence and im strong and happy.

Good on you Op

Of course people like confidence and positivity, your so called friend is talking shite. I am pretty confident - I am quite clever, capable and ready for a good time most of the time. I have lots of friends who are also like that - noone is perfect and everyone has their own set of pet insecurities but they don't rule our lives and nothing is wrong with that

Adelino, I really don't lack empathy. It's actually one of the things I'm good at. I've been in tough places mentally and had to work hard to get to where I am. I don't expect others to feel the same way as me and appreciate that e all have different experiences. I really do wonder why people make the assumption that confidence means you lack empathy and warmth. There's a definite difference between fishing for compliments and genuine lack of confidence. As has been m posted above, there is an unwritten rule that seems to mean that women have to talk about their faults and be down on themselves to be seen as 'real' so a lot of the time it can be an act to gain acceptance rather than genuine low self esteem. If happily support friends who really are down on themselves.

Anyway, I did ask my friend to elaborate on what she said when we were out this morning and we've basically parted on pretty grouchy terms. I don't know how to go forward with our friendship. We've been friends since college and I honestly thought we were genuinely good friends... Maybe that's something I'm not good at reading)
She basically said that she didn't think my confidence could be real because people with my attitude are usually beautiful and successful. Her words. That hurt. I know I'm not considered 'pretty' in a generic way but I'm also not ugly... Anyway, who is to judge what/who is pretty and what/who isn't. Why is self worth based on what we look like? I've accepted how I look and to be honest, it features very little in my life. I have some features I like and some I don't. Also I don't class myself as unsuccessful... I don't have a high flying job but I'm a teacher which to me is a decent job. Why does success mean you have to earn a lot or be in a high powered job? I'm happy with my lot in life. I'm content and tried to explain this but she didn't seem to get it. I can step back and see that this is HER issue not mine, but it still hurts that she thinks I'm not good enough to be confident. What do I do with this? I don't just want to fall out with her but she's made me feel pretty rubbish

Ouch, i admire people who are honest but that last comment was brutsl.
There is nothing wrong with confidence, i admire it in people. You may have to re-think this friendship but don't change who you are