To like myself??

[Alexkate2468]

I've lurked for a while but this is my first post and Im wondering (actually I'm pretty sure that you can) if you can give me an honest opinion about something that happened today.

I need to write this without sounding like a dick. Basically, I'm quite a confident person, I'm not loud and bossy but equally not one to be pushed around or be afraid to say what I really think. I love to laugh and generally enjoy life. I'm not perfect and when I screw up I can either laugh at myself or say sorry. I don't believe in putting myself down and admit I find it irritating when other women do this to fish for compliments (I understand when people genuinely need encouragement - I think...). I think I'm fairly reasonable and honest about where I am in life and I don't pretend everything is perfect - I'm fairly candid. I don't usually let other people's opinions of me bother me but today, a friend realty stung me by saying, "yes, but you have an unusual amount of confidence and are really sure of yourself, women don't like women like you." It was said in quite a 'snarly' way.

Is this true? Why can we not be confident and realistic about ourselves? Why can't we see the good in ourselves, admit but not dwell on our faults and like who we are? Is it really an unlikeable trait? Do you like to have confident friends? For some reason I feel a bit bruised and that's not like me.

OP, she sounds like a cunt. Don't second-guess yourself. Ditch her!

OP, this sounds really wierd given she's meant to be a friend (?) what did you say when she told you you weren't beautiful or successful enough to be confident??? I want to say ditch this terrible friend, but it feels like maybe she has something major going on at the moment?? Or maybe this is something she's been bottling up a while and is now letting rip?? (By the way, I feel really bad for my first post! You do actually sound really lovely! I was judging you on someone else I know and that's not fair!) For what it's worth, I define success as happiness and contentment, and beauty as kindness which shines through. Maybe your friend lacks all of these and sees them in you, which is pissing her off!? making her feel jealous?

Thanks Toomuchwine. I understand how my post could read... It's hard to put across confidence without sounding aloof. I basically told her that what she was saying was really hurtful and I didn't understand it. I got the feeling she was trying to push me so I didn't bite. I'm really confused and find her behaviour weird. It really is out of character although Looking back, there's been the odd bitchy comment but nothing like this. I think I'll give her dinner space and maybe ask her what's going on when I'm not feeling so raw. Ditching her would be hard. I love her little boy and she is part of a larger group so it would mean I wouldn't see other friends or would miss out on larger gatherings. Ugh, I'm mid-thirties, I thought I'd be part this kind of drama...

You sound a lot like me. I've come through a good deal of crap and nowadays I'm pretty comfortable with myself and who I am and being relaxed about it all has also got me on a lot further at work. I'm also happy when other people do well - it doesn't threaten me.

I've noticed recently how many other women seek to undermine each other though, it takes such a lot of energy and achieves nothing other making everyone involved look bad.

Your friend definitely has her own issues going on but please don't let them squash your spirit - if she needs to put you down it's a reflection of her own poor self esteem. Truly happy people really don't seek to do that - why would they?

Very interesting Alexkate - I think my personality is similar to yours. I am generally confident and secure - but not arrogant or with an over inflated ego. Just generally happy to be me (shrugs).

I suspect some people do find it off putting - people take a while to warm to me and I have a small circle of friends. This despite being kind, loyal, reliable etc

Tbh I often seem to get on better with men (should point out, I am not a flirt) , I think it might be because they don't do the self deprecatory stuff or the flip side - 'don't you look lovely / your hair looks fab' (both of which don't sit well with me) but rather they just talk normally about a range of subjects and aren't forever judging and assessing each other ...and they don't take themselves too seriously

That sounds like I don't like other women - which is not the case. Just that there are a range and pattern of behaviours that seem to permeate many friendships among women which I am not a natural with

I too am confident and find that many women appear intimidated by it. I don't think I lack empathy and have gone through some tough times and have returned to education as a mature student studying a 'caring' profession. I was appointed in a student role at university that meant my profile was raised and I won an award for my contribution. One of my fellow students attibuted this to it being a 'popularity contest' when in actual fact it was because I went out of my way to try and support other students! It stung because I had worked so hard and because I valued this persons opinion.

Sorry forgot to add and because my new career means that I need to see the good in people!

I love female self-confidence, and actively avoid environments where women 'bond' by performing group self-deprecation all the time. That's not my style, nor that anyone I spend time around, and I only really encountered it when I moved out of London to the country on maternity leave and started going to local baby groups, where the regulars' conversation consisted of

'New dress!'
'This old rag? Primark!'
'But you look great, have you lost weight?'
'Are you joking? I'm a heifer! Look at YOU, you're like a model!'
'Me? Up three pounds from last week! I'm a pig! Keep me away from the biscuits!'
Etc etc.

Every week, like aural wallpaper. If that's female bonding via performing your imperfections in order to say 'Like me! Don't feel threatened by me! I'm not up myself', then I'll be the one hanging out with the toddlers in the corner...

And it's not just annoying, it's damaging.

I'm so glad there are more women who feel the same. Anungappystudent, I'm sorry that happened to you. Since people find it hard to celebrate the success of others for some reason. I really hope you can see that what they said was a reflection on their character. Well done and congrats on completing your course

So many typos...

Ah thanks Alexkate

There is nothing at all wrong with confidence and liking yourself. But why is everyone assuming you are fantastic and your friend is automatically wrong?
In my experience people who boast about being "not one to be pushed around or be afraid to say what I really think" like you do are not just confident, they are overbearing and rude. Like when people say they "call a spade a spade", it usually means they say very rude things to people and call it being "honest".

Good for you OP. I'm like you. I had low self esteem in my 20s and until I had kids in my thirties. Now I'm forty I love myself and I've got loads more confidence.
Don't let people including this 'friend ' put you down. I bet you're gorgeous.
I too have had ENOUGH of the 'let's all put ourselves down' talk which in my experience goes hand in hand with the 'let's bitch about the way she looks ' conversation.
I think we should all try to look for the good in ourselves and others.

"In my experience people who boast about being "not one to be pushed around or be afraid to say what I really think" like you do are not just confident, they are overbearing and rude"

Massive leap there AndTakeYourHorse

Thanks everyone.

Andtakeuourhorse, if you think I'm boasting, then you've read my post in the wrong way. To state a fact about myself isn't the same as boasting. It's impossible to fully put across my point and personality in one post limited to words on a screen without insight into my everyday life and relationships with people. I also don't think you've read the rest of my posts in the thread. It's unfair to base your assumptions on my character based on others you've met. I too call a spade a spade when it's appropriate, but would know when something was not appropriate to say, or was just plain rude.

I get what Horse is saying - some confident people can come across as dominating in social situations and don't realise it can be Irritating and possibly sometimes insensitive. You're probably not like that, though, Alex, or you wouldn't be questioning yourself.

I do think, generally, though, that people spend far too much time up their own arses, agonising about their personalities self-indulgently, instead of getting outside themselves and focussing on others.