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AIBU to expect more from my family?

38 replies

Sands2017 · 27/06/2017 21:50

Hi guys
Am I being unreasonable for expecting my family to buy my baby gifts? I am 8 months pregnant and last month a couple of sisters promised big gifts of Moses baskets, buggies and car sears etc.
Now apparently they have decided they only need to buy baby clothes as "no one helped them with stuff when their babies were born". This is absolute bs.
I spent almost EVERY weekend babysitting one of my many nieces and nephews as a teenager and in my early 20's but as that was over a decade ago I guess it is long forgotten! I also used to save my pocket money to buy clothes for my beautiful nieces and nephews and then when I got older always had a huge interest in every single smile, conversation, cartoon or game that meant something to my favourite mini people. Now at last I am having a child for the first time and it genuinely feels like - because they are almost done with raising their own kids- they just can't be bothered with my baby's arrival.
Thank God my partner is so supportive and excited for our little ones arrival as I have someone to share my joy with.
I live in a different county from the rest of my family and I suppose for that reason I am easy to dismiss but they are being so hurtful and when I try and explain my feelings I just get patronised or told they are "too busy" with their own kids.
I have said a million times I don't want money thrown at me- I am not a superficial person (quite the opposite) but I am so disgusted with their "I got the baby clothes, what more do I have to do" attitude. It just makes me feel like ignoring the lot of them from here on in.
Btw I love my gorgeous nieces and nephews and am so glad I showed them so much love when they were born and as they were growing up- I would adore them all over again if I could!!! I just feel disappointed that my baby won't have that with them. Funnily enough they show plenty of interest in the baby on Facebook and Instagram (posting excited messages etc) but never ever in private or in real life so I feel that is all just show for others. AIBU?

OP posts:
UrethaFranklin · 27/06/2017 22:26

Yabu. Just because they are not buying large, expensive gifts it doesn't mean that they can't be bothered with your baby's arrival.

Chloe84 · 27/06/2017 22:29

If you bought your nieces and nephews clothes, why are you expecting buggies, car seats and moses baskets from your sisters? They are also giving you clothes.

Louiselouie0890 · 27/06/2017 22:30

Yabu! I would never expect my family to buy the bigger things buy them yourself

ImperialBlether · 27/06/2017 22:33

Oh come on, all the OP's wanting is some interest from her family when she's been good to them!

ElleDubloo · 27/06/2017 22:38

It's weird that they promised those things (buggies etc) and then changed their minds.

FuckingSausageFingers · 27/06/2017 22:41

Hmm... does she want interest or does she want large items that would typically be chosen and bought by the parents-to-be? Sounds like the latter! YABU just buy the main stuff yourself!!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/06/2017 22:42

My mil got my ds (her one and only gs) a flew bitten mangy rocking horse off free cycle. .
Be grateful for the clothes. .

Pr1ncessPeach · 27/06/2017 22:43

Isn't there another thread where someone is bemoaning their MIL for buying baby gifts?

NicolasFlamel · 27/06/2017 22:46

Pocket money in your 20's? Confused
Yeah you're being a bit unreasonable. Get the big stuff yourself.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 27/06/2017 22:47

They may well be more interested once your baby arrives, perhaps wait and see? I think this is preying on your mind because you're in that last part of waiting which feel a bit like limbo, before it all starts.
I think you'll be wrapped up in being a new little family once the baby comes, and won't have much time to think about what they think :-).

Underthemoonlight · 27/06/2017 22:48

My sil bought car seat for dd and bouncer for DS in return we bought an electric steriliser amongst other things. When db had a baby I did the same and bought bouncer they choose not to do the same when we had DS and bought clothes but they don't show interest into DC so as they are expecting again they also get a token gift. They are only getting you items you got them at the time.

mycatsmellsnice · 27/06/2017 23:52

I get you Op. I'm the youngest of 5 and became an aunt at 12. I adored my nieces and nephews and spent a lot of time babysitting them (for free of course). When I left home and started working at 16 I budgeted to buy them stuff, was very interested in all their school and hobby stuff and had them over to stay regularly. When I graduated and became a professional I still had them over a lot and made a big effort for birthdays and christmas.

Sadly when my child came along 11 years ago they showed little interest and have never invited my child to stay over. They don't even know my child well enough to talk to them about their interests. My child has closer relationships with my friends than her aunts and uncles (we all live in the same city btw).

It hurts because simply by being my nephews and nieces I loved them and wanted to have a good relationship with them. That has not been returned and that my child isn't important to them cuts me to the quick. I don't obsess about it, their loss, and I don't expect x amount to be spent in lieu of what I spent. But their lack of interest in my child was, and is, a massive shock and rejection.

Witchend · 28/06/2017 07:29

You bought their babies clothes. They're buying you baby clothes. That's the same isn't it?

Or is your thought because you have moved away so they can't babysit they ought to be giving more expensive things in exchange? Doesn't work like that.

Groupie123 · 28/06/2017 08:19

It sounds like they're being petty if they agreed to do it just last month. What's changed? They surely can't expect recipricity as you were just a kid when they had their babies - you helped in the ways you could. They should be more appreciative.

Tbh I'd shame them on SM by profusely thanking other people on FB etc who give gifts. I think you also need to drop into conversation how much babysitting you did - a quick 'I saved you guys so much money by giving up every wknd for your kids. You were so lucky. Unfortunately using childcare has become so expensive now'.

PotteringAlong · 28/06/2017 08:23

Am I being unreasonable for expecting my family to buy my baby gifts?

I have said a million times I don't want money thrown at me- I am not a superficial person (quite the opposite)

Well, if you're not superficial or want money thrown at you why are you cross they're not buying you big baby gifts?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 28/06/2017 08:31

Maybe because they offered to? Says it in the OP.

thethoughtfox · 28/06/2017 09:31

You are 'disgusted'? Really? You seem to be equating spending money with love and interest. They have bought your child gifts. Be happy. Yes, it's ok to be disappointed but 'disgusted' is very strange.

Louiselouie0890 · 28/06/2017 09:52

They have families maybe they've realised they can't afford the big gifts and just got caught up in the excitement. I know I wouldn't be able to afford to buy my brothers or sisters the bigger items

2014newme · 28/06/2017 09:56

Why would they buy you car seats and buggies? Why would you accept such gifts, yet them yourself. You all sound like you love a drama and are over involved in eachothers lives.

Purplemac · 28/06/2017 10:01

YABVU. They are buying gifts for your (unborn) child and you want more? Why do you think you are entitled to more? Especially when that is all you bought for them!

For what it's worth, when you were "saving your pocket money" to buy things for your nieces and nephews, you didn't have rent/mortgage, bills and children to pay for.

Purplemac · 28/06/2017 10:06

Also I've not yet bought anything for my unborn nephew. Because my best friend's baby was stillborn earlier in the year and I had to go to their house and pack away all the baby stuff before they got home from the hospital. I can damn well guarantee that I'll never be buying a present again for any baby until it is safely in the arms of it's mum and/or dad.

Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 10:10

It feels unfair - I agree - it's ok to feel sad

But really there is nothing you can do but move on and concentrate on the joy of your new arrival

FWIW I am sure you are not alone in having this type of experience -for us our SIL who is very wealthy and has no other nieces or nephews is extremely tightfisted and always buys the bare minimum for them and literally shows no interest in them whatsoever despite SIL and MIL expecting everyone to be on call for their demands and banging on about what wonderful Christian family people they are. Equally other family members who are less well off have decided to buy more or buy more thoughtful gifts or just simply show a bit more interest etc - you cannot force people to do what they are not willing to do - and you have really no right to demand it if them - but of course what people do or do not do will inevitably influence you and your child's experience and opinion of them.

Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 10:25

Sorry to add to my previous rather long post!!

But I think another issue (having been in a same family situation of much older siblings) is that generally pressure is placed by say the mother on sometimes very young aunties and uncles to "help" with older siblings children (this definitely happened with our family) but maybe you feel your parents are not placing similar emphasis on the need for your older siblings to help you. Also perhaps your older siblings benefited from your parents being younger and closer at hand to be more hands on grandparents than they can be to your child and that generally they have benefited more from family support with their children than you will

In the end it simply is what it is and you have to accept it and move on - but I do get where you are coming from

Of course it is a different dynamic with them living in a different place so perhaps buying big items is not practical so it could just be a simple misunderstanding and all be completely innocent

Lymmmummy · 28/06/2017 10:40

Also (why I am responding 3 times) to the poster who made the point about OP living for free when she was younger and generous to her nieces and nephews as if this in itself is the justification for the older siblings not wanting to contribute - how do you know OP siblings did not also live rent free when they were younger - it's sounds as if some of these acts of kindness where done when OP was a youngish teenager in this day and age very few people aged 12-20 live independently on their own and pay rent etc

Anyway that really is all from me -

Purplemac · 28/06/2017 11:27

Lymm I'm not saying that OPs siblings wouldn't have also lived rent free when they were that age, that's completely irrelevant Confused my point was that as a teenager/young adult, it's likely that OP had more disposable income than her siblings do right now.

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