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Am I being an arse or is DH?

40 replies

Purplemac · 27/06/2017 20:56

Bit of background so as not to dripfeed. I met my DH 5 years ago, have been very happily married now for 2 years. I still live in the small town where I grew up.

A year before I met my DH, I went on three or four dates with a guy I've grown up with (I was 20 at the time). We did everything together as kids and were very close as teenagers. We started dating, never slept together but did kiss. Turns out we wanted different things and it ended on very good terms. We don't purposefully see each other any more but do bump into each other on occasion, and still chat a bit on social media due to shared interests. None of this is hidden from DH and he is aware of the 'history'.

This friend has invited me out in a few weeks time - will be him and a couple of other mutual friends, who DH knows and is close to. I've not seen him in so long and it will be great to catch up, and I've asked DH if he would like to come as I think he and my friend would really hit it off as they have loads in common.

DH really does not seem keen on me going, let alone coming with me. He would never ask me not to go, but I can just tell that he's not happy that I'll be with someone that I used to date (albeit briefly). For what it's worth neither DH and I are jealous types and we both have friends of the opposite sex who we see alone and together, it's never been an issue. It just seems to be this one guy that DH has a problem with.

If it means that much to my DH then I won't go - his feelings are important to me. But is DH's attitude towards this situation being fair to me? He brought it up a couple of days ago that he doesn't understand why I would want to see someone I was so involved with, and it turns out he had mistaken "We dated a few times" for "we were on and off for a while", as if we had dated for months at a time then broke up and got back together etc. But he's still seeming off about it.

I know I don't see this guy regularly but he's very important to me and helped me through a lot of rough patches throughout my life by being such a good friend. As I said, I won't see him if DH really doesn't want me to but I feel like now I have to choose whether or not to continue the friendship (even if it is just chatting online every so often) based on DHs feelings and I don't really see why I should have to cut him out entirely.

Not sure it's relevant because DH should trust me regardless, but the guy in question is also in a very happy long term relationship.

Urgh sorry this is long and rambly. AIBU by wanting to see him?

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/06/2017 20:59

Yanbu and your partner is being a bit controlling really. Don't you dare let him ruin your night!


Hassled · 27/06/2017 21:01

No, I think you should stick to your guns and do whatever it takes to get your DH to come along too, so he realises the friend is no threat. Normally I think I'd be saying the opposite - that your current partner's feelings are important, that if it's making him insecure then be mindful of that etc etc, but here I think your DH just needs to calm down a bit and trust you. You've known this guy since you were kids, you've done no more than a snog from what I can gather, he's a good friend. Is there any reason why your DH might think he's your soul mate or something?


mydietstartsmonday · 27/06/2017 21:05

You go, you DH is acting like a toddler, let him sulk. I most wouldn't say he was controlling though. A bit childish but sounds like you can deal with it.


Purplemac · 27/06/2017 21:07

DH isn't usually controlling though and has tolerated social gatherings with ex's before (as often happens from school day relationships, two of my exes are now married to two good friends of mine).

Honestly I'd really like to pick up my friendship with this guy right where we left off before we started dating. He's a nice guy and a laugh and I always regretted that we ever dated in the first place and "ruined" our friendship!

DH has no reason to worry or to think this guy might be my soul mate! Only thing I can think of is that we have so much shared history (an entire childhood of history) that DH might feel insecure that he's not a part of it. The guy is also quite conventionally attractive but not as attractive as my DH Grin

I really want DH to come with me. I really think they could be good friends!

OP posts:

caffeinestream · 27/06/2017 21:09

Don't cut your friend out of your life!

I don't think your husband is being controlling though, sounds like he's maybe a bit jealous/uncomfortable due to your shared history and because you're still in touch and have a lot in common.

I'd encourage him to come along. He might get along with new friend, and it should ease his mind a bit wrt to your friendship if he's met him in person.


HildaOg · 27/06/2017 21:52

Your husband will have his turn when he will remember you putting this 'friend' before him, lose his loyalty now and it's gone. You have a history with this man, of course your husband's uncomfortable. Put your husband first if you love him and respect him. If you don't put him first, then don't be surprised when he responds in kind.


Purplemac · 27/06/2017 21:56

Your husband will have his turn when he will remember you putting this 'friend' before him

Am I doing that? I thought I very specifically said that if DH really doesn't want me to go then I won't go because he is more important to me.

But I am questioning whether it is unreasonable to want to go. If I decided I didn't want DH to play football on weekday evenings anymore because I am uncomfortable being home alone in the dark, does that mean he should automatically stop doing it? Or would that be my issue to deal with since he's clearly doing nothing wrong?

OP posts:

Purplemac · 27/06/2017 21:58

You have a history with this man, of course your husband's uncomfortable

Also, this isn't a given. My DH has had sex with his SIL's sister, who we stay with every time we visit BIL and SIL. I felt a bit funny about it the first time until, you know, I met her and she was lovely. I gave her a chance. DH isn't doing that.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 27/06/2017 22:00

DH isn't usually controlling though, maybe not, but why allow him to start now. Give him the option to go too, but if he declines, don't change your plans.


Purplemac · 27/06/2017 22:05

The thing is that DH isn't asking me not to go. But when I mentioned a few weeks back it was inbthe cards he seemed a bit weird about it, and now there's a date for it he just keeps saying "yeah maybe" when I ask him and then changing the subject. I don't think he's doing it on purpose to try to stop me going, I can just tell he doesn't like the idea of it.

OP posts:

Alison100199 · 27/06/2017 22:06

Totally unreasonable by your DH and too controlling. I see my ex once every few weeks (no kids involved) and my DP is/has to be fine with it. It's about trust not a misguided sense of loyalty.


Justmuddlingalong · 27/06/2017 22:07

Which in itself is controlling.


gandalf456 · 27/06/2017 22:09

I can understand your dh's feelings really. I'd feel the same of it were me though I realise it's not rational. It's good he's invited but, like your dh, I would not want to come .

BUT if I were you, I'd still go because I think you're genuine and nothing is going to happen and he will eventually see that. It's not as if it's a huge fling you had with him - only dating really


Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 00:11

I can't believe some people are ok with this and saying that the OP's husband is being unreasonable. Of COURSE he is fucked off and he has every right to be. No you shouldn't go out with this man if it upsets him OP. You have a history with him; a romantic history. If it was the other way around, the responses would be quite different!


Your husband will have his turn when he will remember you putting this 'friend' before him, lose his loyalty now and it's gone. You have a history with this man, of course your husband's uncomfortable. Put your husband first if you love him and respect him. If you don't put him first, then don't be surprised when he responds in kind.

100% this! ^ How would you like it OP if your husband did the same to you? With an ex of HIS?

Puts me in mind of a very good friend of mine who has a super flirty husband who has always just loved to laugh and joke with other women, and be a shoulder to cry on for them etc. And when my friend rolled her eyes, he said 'I can't help it if the women love me can I?!

My friend tolerated this for 20 years, (fuck knows why!) Then she made a good (male) friend at work, and she chatted about him to her husband, and stated she was going to join the gym he goes to. Long story short, her husband had a meltdown, and insisted she gave up her job, as he couldn't tolerate this man around her.

She didn't give up her job! She told him to grow the fuck up, and highlighted what a flirty twat he had always been! (And she wasn't even being flirty!) Luckily for her husband, the male colleague left a few months later.

Oddly, her husband is very quiet around other women now, and never flirts!

The moral of this story is, treat your wife/husband how you would like them to treat YOU!


RhiWrites · 28/06/2017 00:17

I think respecting your partner includes trusting that they wouldn't do anything to hurt the relationship. Me and my partner are on holiday right now with a huge group including two of his exes and one of mine. Neither of us has any problem with each other hanging out in hot tubs with our exes.

Because we love and trust each other and we are confident enough in our relationship to want each other to have fun times with friends too.


gleam · 28/06/2017 00:23

I think dh is.

All you did is kiss him, while he slept with sil's sister and you are expected to be ok with that and stay in her house.


Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 00:23

Good for you.

But if one partner isn't happy with it, it's no good is it?

And this 'we love each other enough to trust each other' type of line just really fucks me off. Just because someone feels insecure and worried, that doesn't mean the couple aren't in love FFS!


Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 00:24

That post of mine was to @rhiwrites ^


MommaGee · 28/06/2017 00:31

Notknownatthisaddress did you read the bit where OP said she has sleepovers at the house of a woman her partner had sex with?

Its unfair to assume that because they have history that its inappropriate. They didn't even have sex.
I am friends with an ex (no sex, second base only) who came to our wedding. If he bumps into us he shakes DH's hand first them gives me a hug. We manage not to have an accidental shag or fall in love. I have a friend from when I was 16. I had a huge crush on him but was too shy. Then I think he had one on me but I'd moved on. We have a shared history of nearly 20 years compared to me knowing DH for 5. Me and this guy have play dates and nothing happens.

OP I'd tackle DH directly but make it clear you're going top hang out with your friend and you would love him t o join you


MommaGee · 28/06/2017 00:32

But if one partner isn't happy with it, it's no good is it? but OP want be happy with not seeing her friend because her DP is feeling insecure. How do you decide whose happiness is most important? How about the one based on face not fear


MommaGee · 28/06/2017 00:33

Fact not fear


RhodaBorrocks · 28/06/2017 00:34

I'm with gleam on this. How come he expects you to be ok staying with SIL's sister who he shagged but he is heavily hinting he doesn't want you to go out with a group of friends because it involves a guy you've kissed and been on a handful of dates with? That would raise red flags for me.


scottishdiem · 28/06/2017 01:14

OMG. On other threads where the roles are reversed - men being friendly with exes and there is a near universal outcry from women that men should do such a thing. Especially when they are oh-so-much-prettier-than-me or, for some reason, some several months after a childbirth when the woman is full of hormones and self image problems.

I always disagree because I believe men and women can be friends and that exes can be friends to but on MN it seems that only women are allowed to be friends with their ex.

Anyway, OP your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and either come out with you both or stop moping about it. You should definitely go out regardless of what he thinks.


Purplemac · 28/06/2017 05:52

With SILs sister he handled the situation very delicately, I wasn't just expected to be ok with it - it was the cheapest option for us visiting his family and I had final say on whether we stayed with her. I just thought that since I would have to meet her eventually anyway might as well get free accommodation out of it for a few nights Grin

I think I'm gunna leave it for a few nights (don't want to keep bringing it up and end up turning it into something bigger than it is) and tell DH that I am going and really want him to come with me if he would like to.

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/06/2017 06:05

DH really does not seem keen on me going, let alone coming with me. He would never ask me not to go, but I can just tell that he's not happy

So he's not being controlling, or an arse, he's letting you do what you want, but somehow it's all his fault?

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