Am I being an arse or is DH?

[Purplemac]

Bit of background so as not to dripfeed. I met my DH 5 years ago, have been very happily married now for 2 years. I still live in the small town where I grew up.

A year before I met my DH, I went on three or four dates with a guy I've grown up with (I was 20 at the time). We did everything together as kids and were very close as teenagers. We started dating, never slept together but did kiss. Turns out we wanted different things and it ended on very good terms. We don't purposefully see each other any more but do bump into each other on occasion, and still chat a bit on social media due to shared interests. None of this is hidden from DH and he is aware of the 'history'.

This friend has invited me out in a few weeks time - will be him and a couple of other mutual friends, who DH knows and is close to. I've not seen him in so long and it will be great to catch up, and I've asked DH if he would like to come as I think he and my friend would really hit it off as they have loads in common.

DH really does not seem keen on me going, let alone coming with me. He would never ask me not to go, but I can just tell that he's not happy that I'll be with someone that I used to date (albeit briefly). For what it's worth neither DH and I are jealous types and we both have friends of the opposite sex who we see alone and together, it's never been an issue. It just seems to be this one guy that DH has a problem with.

If it means that much to my DH then I won't go - his feelings are important to me. But is DH's attitude towards this situation being fair to me? He brought it up a couple of days ago that he doesn't understand why I would want to see someone I was so involved with, and it turns out he had mistaken "We dated a few times" for "we were on and off for a while", as if we had dated for months at a time then broke up and got back together etc. But he's still seeming off about it.

I know I don't see this guy regularly but he's very important to me and helped me through a lot of rough patches throughout my life by being such a good friend. As I said, I won't see him if DH really doesn't want me to but I feel like now I have to choose whether or not to continue the friendship (even if it is just chatting online every so often) based on DHs feelings and I don't really see why I should have to cut him out entirely.

Not sure it's relevant because DH should trust me regardless, but the guy in question is also in a very happy long term relationship.

Urgh sorry this is long and rambly. AIBU by wanting to see him?

Your OH needs to grow up.
Just because he feels 'uneasy' is not a reason not to go.

If he felt 'uneasy' about you going to yoga, would you not go?
If he felt 'uneasy' about you going to a hen do, would you not go?

Just because he has feelings about it doesn't mean they are rational.
Jealous and needy men suck

So he's not being controlling, or an arse, he's letting you do what you want, but somehow it's all his fault?

Never once said it was all his fault was asking if IWBU to want to go, or if DHs unease at the situation was justified. As in "Is DHs reluctance actually him being an arse, or am I being an arse for wanting to go in the first place". Sure it's more likely that there's a middle ground where neither of us is being an arse, but if I was to type all that out in the title not sure anyone would bother to read my post.

I don't think there's an "or" here, more "and". As in, I don't think you're BU to want to go or to actually go, but I don't think your DH is BU either. My previous partner and I are still friends with our exes (and with each other!) And would see them on occasion. I think we were both a little uncomfortable with the fact that the other saw their ex, but neither of us stopped the other from seeing them, and we sometimes went along too. Allow him to be uncomfortable, but do whatever you think is best. It doesn't have to end up being something you fight over or anything like that. Hopefully you can compromise.

Thanks Kitten, I agree. I understand that he's uncomfortable with it, I just find it a bit weird as there's a veery strong precedent throughout our whole relationship with actually being ok with these scenarios.

I think we'll be fine, and I certainly won't argue with him about it - if he's that against it that he's willing to argue it, then it's not worth me going. But I think with a bit of gently persuasion he will come with me, see that he's a really nice guy and in no way a threat, and they'll become best chums

If this would drive a wedge between my partner and I, then I would not go.

However neither my partner or I have any real jealousy issues so it would feel natural to decline an invitation if it made my partner unhappy.

Whilst of course you have every right to go and should not feel bad for doing so I think that life would be better for many people if they let the small things slide for the most important person in their life more often.

Pumpkin I completely agree with you, and I'd be happy to let it slide if it was that important to him. But I don't think he is justified in it being that important to him as there is a precedent in our relationship for these exact scenarios. If I decided I didn't want DH to do something that I'd always been happy for him to do before, and what I had done myself plenty of times, I don't think it would be fair to expect him to just stop doing it to make me happy.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. Relationships are nothing without trust.

I hear the subtle drip of controlling behaviour.

What just muddling said.

DP and I spend lots of time socially with his ex and her husband (who she cheated with and left my DP for) Sometimes he is alone with her. Sometimes I am. Sometimes the two men are alone together. Or me and her husband.

They were much younger and it's been a long time since all that.

I think it is part of being an adult isn't it? Knowing I can trust my DP regardless of who he is with is part of our relationship. I know nothing would ever happen between them.

I wasn't keen on her to start with, but that is because she hurt DP, no other reason.

Not really sure what my point is. I suppose it is that we can't stop how we feel, but we can be honest about how we feel and accept if it is irrational. My worry in your situation would be his reluctance to talk about it. Although it may be that he is just (unsuccessfully) trying not to project his feelings on to you.

Are you sure he doesn't have more misunderstandings about your relationship with this chap? Not just the dated a few times thing? It seems an odd reaction to someone you have only kissed.

Go! I put my dh's feelings above mine ina similar case, and he just became more and more of an arse.

There's nothing in it and he will come to realise that. He has expected you to be grown up about his past so you can expect him to be grown up about yours.

Don't keep mentioning it. Just say when it is, that you'd really like him to come and leave it. He may refuse the invitation - his choice of course - right up until you're leaving the house and then change his mind, but don't waste time waiting for him to change his clothes or anything. Is it a casual place, or more dressy?

I had similar with DW when we were dating, she had an ex who had been an on off situation for a long while before we met.

My difficulty was that although they never stayed together the on/off nature of their relationship suggested enough of an attraction bubbling along under the surface that it kept drawing them together.

If she piped up that he had got back in touch and wanted to meet up, with friends, I'd be deeply suspicious of his motivation. I would trust her but it would make me feel very uncomfortable.

Harmless I appreciate that, but me and my friend were never "on and off again", that was my DH's misunderstanding. We literally went on maybe four dates over one summer, then it fizzled out. It just wasn't a good fit.

It sounds like you've never had a proper conversation about this OP - or have I read it wrong?

He's not U to not feel comfortable with meeting up with him, you're not U to want to meet up!

I would suggest just asking why he's so reluctant to meet with this guy. If I'm honest, if I was him I probably wouldn't want to meet up with a bloke who, even without the romantic interlude, was a really good friend of yours from way back. I think I'd worry that I'd be sitting there being left out of little 'in' jokes.

Just ask him OP. Explain you reckon they'd really get along, you're great mates and they could be too. No pressure if he doesn't want to.

Purple I don't disagree with anything that you have said and actually have been exactly where you are. I took the decision not to go and deeply regretted it at the time.

Couple of years later and it all come up again because of contact from my DH's ex to him. When we were talking it through he admitted that he had BU at the time (although he didn't stop me but made it clear how unhappy he was) and he said it was our relationship history it was the way he could see the excitement and my eyes lighting up when I spoke about him . That actually really resonated with me because that was exactly how I felt about meeting up with my old friend.

I am really glad now I didn't go because it was unfair to expect my DH to wave me off to see another man that he could see I was excited to see and would not want to be in the revers situation.

Also I know it is old fashioned but I made a vow to forsake all others and whilst I don't take that literally my DH was far more important than someone who I used to be great friends with but had now moved on from - surely if were meant to be friends then we would have found a way to stay in touch over the years regardless and then DH would have known him anyway. I am still friends on fb with the person and message from time to time but that's it.