To want another child for this reason

[flamencia]

Another child isn't entirely practical for a few reasons but it would be doable if we made some changes. I want one and will make the changes necessary, DW is more reluctant. We're gay, btw, and it would be me giving birth.

My DW has children from another relationship who are grown up/almost grown up. We've been together for over 10 years and they've lived with us for the entire time. I've since had a baby who is now 2.5 and for all intents and purposes an only child. Although she has siblings in DW's kids they are around 16 years older than her and the relationships with them are more parental than sibling due to the age difference. I appreciate those relationships have benefits for her, a bit like having young, cool aunties and uncles she can turn to when her parents are annoying.

However I can't help but feel sad that she's the only child in the family. She doesn't have any cousins near her age (I have no siblings to give cousins and her cousins from DW's side are around 20). She doesn't have child friends because I struggle to make friends at toddler groups, I have no friends with small children and there's no little ones in our street her age.

I was an only child. I was happy, though I did ask sometimes for a sibling. However, I did have a lot of little friends on my street - none who lasted into adulthood but I had lots of socialisation generally. I also had a cousin a year apart from me and as I get older I really value my relationship with her. We are very different and fought like siblings as children, but we are close now and I really appreciate having someone in my life who has known me all my life, who understands my family without having to explain.

I know siblings don't guarantee good adult relationships, as both my parents have had long periods of not speaking to their adult sibling, but there's still a link there that is unique and different to friendship.

My main issue is that DW has a few siblings, they are really close and a good support network. They have a huge history together, admittedly with the usual sibling bickering, but they've stayed close beyond that. Her own children are really close and I see them supporting each other well in the future. But she doesn't want another baby with me, and I feel it is unfair to deny my toddler the chance to build that kind of relationship.

I'm not 100% on wanting another myself, but it's not really the issue I'm asking about, it's more the only child situation. Not just only child, but only child with no little cousins, no friends. Please don't suggest me making friends with other mums - I have tried all sorts but I really struggle with this. AIBU to want another child so that DD has a similar age sibling?

YANBU for reasons you gave although she will (presumably) start nursery and school soon and will have loads of people her own age. If your wife doesn't want another child with you, are you prepared to end the relationship over it?

I can see why you want to have another DC, but if your DW doesn't, how big an issue is it? One of you is going to have to compromise, so how much do you want another baby and how much does she not?

YANBU to want another child but neither is DW BU to not want one

Generally the one who doesn't want another child has the final say tbh.

DD will soon be at nursery and then school where she will make friends regardless of if you're friends with the other mums

School friends aren't the same as siblings and cousins. That family link for life. That's the thing I'm worrying about.

I know the one who doesn't want gets the final say, and if that's the case I'd have to weigh up my relationship vs another child. That's why I'm trying to work out how I feel about the only child aspect.

Totally get this. I feel exactly the same. I don't have an answer but will be reading with interest. My DH has a very poor relationship with his siblings so doesn't see the issue in the same way as I do. And of course siblings are no guarantee of a good relationship. But still, it bothers me.

It's often said on MN that in these situations the wishes of the person who doesn't want another DC win out. It's unfair on the DC to have a DC when one parent doesn't want this.

Your reasons for wanting another DC are no more or less valid than hers for not wanting one.

My DD is an only child. At times, I feel sad for her. We make a real effort to keep in touch with he cousins. For her, that's the next best thing

Why can't you do more to overcome your social difficulties to help DD?

If that's too hard, can your DW and step DC help "socialise" DD?

Also, once your DC is a bit older she will hopefully make her own friends!

Siblings and cousins very often don't get on anyway!

YANBU. But then, neither is your DW for being reluctant.

What are the changes you'd need to make to make it work? Are they big? Do they just affect her? And do you know why your DW is less keen? Those are the things that jump out at me.

I know her reasons are no less valid. I'm trying to unpick the worry of her not having any close child relationships.

youhave That's lovely, I'm sure that's what my mum did as I'm very close to my cousin, I wish I had this option for DD.

How long have you felt like this flamencia? A relationship that's lasted over a decade where you have both raised children to adults/almost adults is a lot to throw away if this has just been a recent feeling. I only ask because you said your daughter is 2 and a half so was this discussed or did you feel like this from her birth or has it been since she has turned 2 or in the last few months/weeks where she has became more of a person with a personality?

Yanbu. I hated the thought of my ds growing up an only child with no cousins or any family similar in age. That's why I chose to use a sperm donor when he was 4 and I have never regretted it for a second. There is a special relationship between two children growing up together.
Obviously many people do have only children for many reasons, and many are very happy with their choice. Only you can decide which is more important to you (child or relationship).

I understand your reasoning, but I'm not sure it's an issue that's so life-definingly important I'd end an otherwise happy partnership for it. The sibling relationship is unique but frequently not close, neglected in adulthood, peripheral. Yes, my brother and I have shared memories/history - but we rarely speak, although we're perfectly amicable.

If ending things would represent a big cost to you, I'd query how reliable your vision of siblinghood might be. You can't know how it would pan out.

I didn't want this to be a 'me or dw' thread, I shouldn't have mentioned that aspect. I want to focus on the possible loneliness off only childhood as a stand alone issue to help me work out how much I want another.

Loopy I really struggle. I've struggled to make friends all my life. I go to toddler groups but in 2 years I've spoken to one mum regularly. I joined an online meeting mums network but haven't been able to forge any friendships through that. The mums at nursery don't seem to talk to each other.

You could end your relationship and then circumstances mean you don't have another child after all. A ten year relationship with a child is an awful lot to throw away

I have dozens of cousins, I'm not close to any of them. I have a sister I've been NC with for almost all my adult life (over a decade). You're hanging a lot on the importance of family relationships when there's no guarantee they will be positive for anyone.

mission it's been there for about a year. The first year I was too scarred by birth to consider another, that was the dominant feeling. The need for another has definitely become stronger as I see her grow as a person.

Agatha, yes there's the risk of them not being close. And the risk that we split and I don't conceive.

I know not all siblings are close into adulthood, and it's not all gaily skipping along hand in hand as children but I do feel that having a sibling or close child relationships is beneficial to socialising.

I have cousins in different countries. I have one sister, who I am NC with.

So YABU for wanting to have a child so your current DC will not be lonely.

I know you said it's difficult but I really think you need to learn to socialise more - this issue isn't going away and you will have the next few years of schools, clubs etc.

Unfortunately OP from the way you have described it in your post, unless your wife changes her mind, it is a me or her situation. And the chance that you split and you do not conceive is a real one. I think this is too much of an issue for you to be discussing on here, you need to sit down by yourself and seriously weigh up your options and then sit with your wife if you decide in the affirmative and tell her that it is going to happen and does she want to be involved.

The only good reason to have a child is because you want one. I would push aside all the siblings/only child noise and try to work out if you want another child and if so how much. Then if you decide you want to go ahead, you need to talk it through with dw but bear in mind her desire for no child might be stronger and win out.

I can understand your concerns, completely. I have 2 DS who are 2 years apart and I am grateful for the closeness they share. This is not least because my eldest has some communication difficulties so struggles to maintain close friendships with his peers.
However, what you may consider is that the age gap you would be looking at would mean that your DD would be at nursery age when the baby was born and then at school by the time the baby was old enough to be "interactive" to the level that they could play together in a similar way. By which time your DD may have started to widen her social circle outside of the family.
That's not to say they won't have a bond, but it's not a given that they will be close.
Wagering your relationship with your DW on another baby to provide social interaction for your DD is, I'm afraid, a bit U.
Also, and I mean this as nicely as I can (as a fellow sufferer of social anxiety), you need to be careful that this is not a case of you projecting your own anxieties about how you form social bonds on to your DD.

I am an only child, and my cousins were all ten to twenty years older than me. I also lived in a different country to some and hours away by car from the others. I was perfectly happy with my situation. My parents gave me a lot of attention and were always welcoming when I wanted to have friends over from school. I don't particularly recall whether I had a lot of friends as a toddler, obviously, but since we moved twice before I was three (big moves each time, to new towns), I doubt it.

If you want another kid, then of course, the relationship with your daughter may well be a great positive. But if you don't really, don't feel bad. It's not necessarily going to upset her.

Think of it this way - people with siblings often assume only children are lonely but you and I know differently because we lived through it. I think this is similar. You, as an only child with close-in-age relatives, fear the same thing for an only child without those relatives. But that doesn't necessarily make it true.

So if you end up with an only child (I mean effectively, obviously she does have older siblings), don't feel too bad about it. It'll probably be fine.

I could have written your post OP. I wanted a second child for the exact same reasons really whereas my husband wasn't fussed about having another one at all. It took 12 months of discussion before he ageeed to TTC and I'm due DC2 in 8 weeks time. Our current DS will be 3.5 years old when baby arrives.

When DS was young I was also happy to just have one child but as I saw him grow and develop into a person I realised I started to feel like having another baby to give him a sibling and by the time he was about 18 months old I knew I didn't want him to be an only child.

YANBU to feel the way you do

I wouldn't have a child in order to plug a 'gap' in your Dd's socialisation. Children are not commodities. It's not a child's 'job' to do anything apart from be themselves in their own right.

There's no guarantee they won't hate each other forever!

mission yes, I know that in our relationship it is a me or her situation. That's pretty obvious, there's no halfway option. But I meant that it didn't want this thread to be that. I wanted to discuss the sibling issue and how I feel about it so I can bring that to the conversation I have with my wife in a reasonable way.

I muddied the op by mentioning her feelings vs mine, I think it is because I see her relationship with her siblings and want that for my DD.

Chunk the projecting is definitely part of it. I don't want her to end up like me but without even the cousin relationship I have.

I will do my best to encourage school friends, of course. I'll invite children round to play and help forge friendships for her as much as I can.

How have your discussions with your wife gone so far? Does she understand your concerns or is she dismissive?
What are your other motivations for having another DC? Or does it just boil down to this issue?