To want another child for this reason

[flamencia]

Another child isn't entirely practical for a few reasons but it would be doable if we made some changes. I want one and will make the changes necessary, DW is more reluctant. We're gay, btw, and it would be me giving birth.

My DW has children from another relationship who are grown up/almost grown up. We've been together for over 10 years and they've lived with us for the entire time. I've since had a baby who is now 2.5 and for all intents and purposes an only child. Although she has siblings in DW's kids they are around 16 years older than her and the relationships with them are more parental than sibling due to the age difference. I appreciate those relationships have benefits for her, a bit like having young, cool aunties and uncles she can turn to when her parents are annoying.

However I can't help but feel sad that she's the only child in the family. She doesn't have any cousins near her age (I have no siblings to give cousins and her cousins from DW's side are around 20). She doesn't have child friends because I struggle to make friends at toddler groups, I have no friends with small children and there's no little ones in our street her age.

I was an only child. I was happy, though I did ask sometimes for a sibling. However, I did have a lot of little friends on my street - none who lasted into adulthood but I had lots of socialisation generally. I also had a cousin a year apart from me and as I get older I really value my relationship with her. We are very different and fought like siblings as children, but we are close now and I really appreciate having someone in my life who has known me all my life, who understands my family without having to explain.

I know siblings don't guarantee good adult relationships, as both my parents have had long periods of not speaking to their adult sibling, but there's still a link there that is unique and different to friendship.

My main issue is that DW has a few siblings, they are really close and a good support network. They have a huge history together, admittedly with the usual sibling bickering, but they've stayed close beyond that. Her own children are really close and I see them supporting each other well in the future. But she doesn't want another baby with me, and I feel it is unfair to deny my toddler the chance to build that kind of relationship.

I'm not 100% on wanting another myself, but it's not really the issue I'm asking about, it's more the only child situation. Not just only child, but only child with no little cousins, no friends. Please don't suggest me making friends with other mums - I have tried all sorts but I really struggle with this. AIBU to want another child so that DD has a similar age sibling?

I have two teens and they don't get along for the majority of the time. My DH has a whole tonne of cousins - almost all of them he can't stand and they don't live close anyway.
Also, you'd be amazed how good kids are at making friends. Eldest made a life-long friend because they were wearing the same shoes on their first day of school!

haven't read the whole thread but if your dw decides no to another child have you considered moving near a park or school so your child can go off to play on their own with local friends when old enough? saves you having to organise their social lives quite so much. you could also let them into your house to play without taking on the role of entertainer... i have done this myself, with the other parents' permission of course, and it worked well for my two (yes, two, as i did have another child for much the same reasons you describe!)

You mentioned you were scarred by your birth. Is there any feeling that you "failed" and you want to "get it right". I think birth trauma is frequently underestimated. Have you had any counselling?

My only sibling died 5 years ago, a month before his 30th birthday. We never got on at all.

My best friend has been in my life for 34 years (we're 38). She may as well be my sister.

I do understand where you're coming from op. I have a 19 month old and really struggled with her potentially being an only child and having no grandparents, no uncles / aunts on my side and no cousins.

But, one thing life has taught me is that there are no guarantees. If you want another child, have one, but don't have another just because you are projecting possible future scenarios on to your existing child.

YANBU. I would have (do) have similar concerns and would try for one more if at all practicable. What are the adjustments you'd need to make? Are we talking new car and economising? Or big relocation and career change?

Oh sorry, I didn't read properly.

Do you really think it's a make or break issue? If you haven't been sure either than your DW hasn't really had to confront it as fully as if you were completely determined. You need to decide your own position first than have a really good, sit down, distraction-free talk.

School friends are a red herring. You're right, they are a totally different thing. She will have friends in school no problem. She will have friends whether or not you are good at friendships. She will probably not stay in touch with any of the friends she makes over the next few years, and it won't matter because she will make others.

But that has nothing to do with the experience of having a sibling.

I'm not in touch with my siblings at all as an adult and was never close to them - we were very different people as adults and drifted. But I'm glad I grew up with the experience of having siblings and I think it's a wonderful thing to have. I definitely wanted any child I had to have a sibling. I have two DC and they are currently very close. I have no idea whether they'll get on as adults but the experiences they are having now are, I think, really important.

Don't let the waters get muddied by the friends thing. That's totally different. Also, think hard but if you know you want more than one child, then be assured it is a reasonable desire to have.

I do also think it's different here to the situation where one partner wants another and the other doesn't - easy for your partner to say that, she HAS more than one. That does change the balance somewhat.

YANBU in wanting a sibling for your DS. My siblings are the other side of the world but we are still close. There is a level of support, caring, bond that is special to us because we are family and have all that shared history growing up together. When my first real relationship fell apart I stayed with my brother and sister in law for two weeks being put back together. When they have concerns I am a text / phone call away and when we do get together there is just easy familiarity and comfortableness around each other. I have good friends too but my siblings (& I include my sis in law who is like an extra sister) bring an extra dimension of support.

Personally, I don't think that's a great reason to have a child. Have a child for its own sake, not what benefit you think it might be to someone else.

There's also the aspect that, if you're an only child, and your child's siblings are non-genetic siblings, your DD might feel the loss of the "tribal" aspect of seeing herself reflected in faces other than yours. Or she might not care less. But your parents won't be around forever. There's a reason why people do things like reserving additional sperm bank stocks, for example. To try to give siblings some genetic link to each other where possible.

I think its a great reason to have a child.If I were you OP I'd certainly want another one. I'd hate my child not to have siblings if they didn't even have cousins or close friends kids around.

Firstly only children can often have very very happy lives and are well adjusted and can seek support I friends and so on

However to be fair to you a lot of parents if given the choice will have 2 or more children for the reasons you refer to - why are you feeling so guilty for acknowledging what many people just instinctively do - your wife has 2 existing children presumably because at one point she had the same view

It hacks me off when some say it's selfish to provide a sibling for an existing child as - many people rightly or wrongly will ideally view a family as more than one child - that's why people typically have 2 - you also have the issue of no similarly aged cousins to draw upon and have to daily face the perceived closeness that may be achieved via witnessing your wives siblings and your step children

The issue is if your wife doesn't want another DC what is the solution to be - I don't know

But do you have a point in what you raise - yes - if it's a real concern for you why do you have to pretend otherwise

I am also not sure if you are in a same sex relationship or not obviously as a woman you could potentially offer to carry any future child

I think your reasons are good enough for wanting another child, I think its really good for kids to have siblings in close age.

DS is 13 years younger than his next brother, and 20 years younger than his eldest. They are DH's sons from his first marriage. I think the dynamic needs to come from you - if you encourage your dd to see her siblings as siblings, rather than aunties, it will give her a stronger bond with them - she's not an only child, she just has much older sisters.

I was an only child until I was 10, and while I also had a different relationship with my sibling than I would hav3 had if we had been similar in age, it hasn't altered the quality of the relationship. My cousins are all much younger than me too. DS has cousins that he has never met, and some that are older than me.

Your dd will make friends, and she will have sisters too. It's almost the best of both worlds, because she can look to them for support, as she gets older the age difference won't really matter.

Statistically the negative consequences of a broken home are much worse than those linked to being an only child. So YWBU to split up your DD's family and stability for the mere potential of a sibling (whom your DD may resent as being the catalyst for you leaving her other parent).

I understand your concerns about your DC being an only child Flamencia.

We are unable to have another child due to an emergency hysterectomy after the birth of our only DS. While this is not a desirable situation for us, it being a fait accompli has given us a different perspective that I thought it might be useful to share.

Our priorities have changed. I've made genuine friends with people because I really value the interactions we all have with them as an extended family. Had we had a big family, those friendships probably wouldn't have been forged. Both DH and I grew up in very rural places and wanted the same for our DC, but accepting he will be an only child has led us to change that view. Now living close to school, somewhere the kids can 'play out' together, run into each others houses etc, has become more important. These are two examples of the way our life has changed as a result of our only child family.

I feel very strongly that I want our DC to grow up feeling part of something bigger than him, a wider community. I want him to understand that not everyone is the same as us but that doesn't mean we're not united in many ways. I have to work harder to make that happen, but I also get to make more conscious decisions about that community along the way than I would if his 'family' were his siblings.

It's hard to articulate and I'm sorry if I sound garbled. I do know it's hard to accept that your family won't look the way you thought it would. But there are positives. I hope my POV helps in some way.

flamencia Don't mean this to sound harsh because you obviously have strong feelings about this but you cannot expect a thread posted in AIBU just to be about your feelings on the sibling issue and how you can bring what support you receive here to the conversation with your wife. You can't expect a thread not to turn out that way when you said in your OP that you want a baby and your wife doesn't. You didn't muddy the OP, you mentioned her feelings and you mentioned yours and now you're either going to have to have a serious talk or you're going to have to have another baby on your own.

mission you're missing the point. It is obvious that I'll have to talk to my wife, and that decisions need to be made. But at this moment I time I'm trying to work out my own motivation for wanting another, and one of these reasons is the only child issue. And I'd like to formulate my feelings on this before discussing all the reasons for and against with my wife.

I did muddy the waters in my op because I really just want to know is the only child issue an important concern in thinking of another child. I'm not asking whether my wife's wishes should count, it wouldn't be any kind of relationship if they didn't, I'm simply trying to clear my head before getting into complicated discussions with her.

To everyone else, thank you. I appreciate the range of perspectives, both in agreement and against. It's given me some things that think about.

We live in a good place for her to go out and play when she's older, and wouldn't need or want to move. It's just we don't have close neighbours with small children for easy to reach friendships. I've purposely picked a nursery feeding into a primary which will mean all her friends are within a short walk based on catchment area. I'll definitely be having kids over to play, fostering play dates and all that kind of thing. But as a couple of posters have said it's not the same as living with young siblings. There's a dynamic there that I feel is important, one I missed out on.

To the pp who said to ensure to foster good sibling relationships with the dscs, I hope that I already do. I have been quite emphatic about the sibling aspect, initially for the dscs because I didn't want them to feel pushed out by me having a bio child, like they were lesser in any way. But having older siblings who are adults now is very different to having one who is at least still a child. That growing up together thing, sharing toys and playing together, having the same cultural point of reference. I know that she'll be able to have good relationships with them but they won't even live with her soon.

Thanks also to the pp who mentioned the biological link. If I did have another I'd ask the same donor first as it woulf definitely be nice for her to see family in faces. It's not a major thing but I do like seeing family similarities. It amazes me how much I see myself in her, and my mum and grandad. It's not a big issue and certainly not a deciding one in having another kid, but it's something to think about for her.

There are so many possibilities of the ways a sibling relationship can go.

A lot of the time the very close relationships are between same sex siblings.

You just can't guarantee it.

Hi guys
Am I being unreasonable for expecting my family to buy my baby gifts? I am 8 months pregnant and last month a couple of sisters promised big gifts of Moses baskets, buggies and car sears etc.
Now apparently they have decided they only need to buy baby clothes as "no one helped them with stuff when their babies were born". This is absolute bs.
I spent almost EVERY weekend babysitting one of my many nieces and nephews as a teenager and in my early 20's but as that was over a decade ago I guess it is long forgotten! I also used to save my pocket money to buy clothes for my beautiful nieces and nephews and then when I got older always had a huge interest in every single smile, conversation, cartoon or game that meant something to my favourite mini people. Now at last I am having a child for the first time and it genuinely feels like - because they are almost done with raising their own kids- they just can't be bothered with my baby's arrival.
Thank God my partner is so supportive and excited for our little ones arrival as I have someone to share my joy with.
I live in a different county from the rest of my family and I suppose for that reason I am easy to dismiss but they are being so hurtful and when I try and explain my feelings I just get patronised or told they are "too busy" with their own kids.
I have said a million times I don't want money thrown at me- I am not a superficial person (quite the opposite) but I am so disgusted with their "I got the baby clothes, what more do I have to do" attitude. It just makes me feel like ignoring the lot of them from here on in.
Btw I love my gorgeous nieces and nephews and am so glad I showed them so much love when they were born and as they were growing up- I would adore them all over again if I could!!! I just feel disappointed that my baby won't have that with them. Funnily enough they show plenty of interest in the baby on Facebook and Instagram (posting excited messages etc) but never ever in private or in real life so I feel that is all just show for others. AIBU?

I understand where you are coming from and agree. School friends etc are so irrelvant !
I had 4 children due to feeling the same having seeing close families with large age gaps due to step siblings or family choice . More than half of my friends and work friends have all chosen to have 1 child which I just dont get. They are honest and open its a choice not any fertitilty issues as obviously I would never question their choice as yo you never know peoples private lives.
My best friend was an only child and still at 40 hates it and while I know there is no magic wand to make siblings be friends as adults if you dont have any siblings then you have no chance so to me I would feel exactly as you do .

2.5 is about the worst possible age to look at this issue - old enough to see that relationships with peers are important, too young to see that the child will form them for herself. Two years from now, this may well seem like a total non-issue. Don't buy into the "unique bond" stuff about siblings. Plenty of adult siblings, even those that get on fine, do not have any special relationship. Overall YABU: providing a sibling is a terrible reason to have another child.

Your worries are valid OP. My DC are older than yours - 6 & 9 - and I can see how only DC are harder work for their DPs. Having one DC is certainly less work than two, but making sure that only DC is happy and well socialised means lots of play dates and lots of effort from the DPs. If you're not an especially social person yourself that could be a strain. I also see the DPs of onlys ending up doing a lot of the fetching and carrying for other DPs, simply because they only have one DC, as opposed to most other people who have two or more. I dunno - I think two is a nice number. You're not outnumbered as adults, your DC has a playmate, and yes, siblings do teach social skills such as negotiation, compromise, sharing, etc. It's not all rosy, of course, and not all siblings get on. My sister and I fought like cat and dog as DC and are very different people as adults (my DH and his DSis the same). The other thing is that most things in life are built for four - tables sit four, rides sit two, etc. Having an odd number means there's always an odd one out.