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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be fuming about situation with colleague?

33 replies

ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:06

There is a co-worker in my office who has very very different political views than me. So as a rule, I do not discuss politics with him as I have learned in the past that he gets very shouty about his opinion!

Today I was having a conversation with another colleague (who shares very similar views) about something political when the other colleague over heard. He immediately started to belittle me and to basically say I had been brainwashed and had no idea what I was talking about etc. I took offence to this and gave my opinion back. He then got very shouty and I got shouty back. He rounded off with a finger pointed at me and the following words (said with venom!) "Don't speak to me like that - remember who you are talking to"
This guy is my equal at work (as in not a manager or supervisor etc). Although in his 60s and VERY old fashioned. I haven't been able to get those words out of my head all day and I felt utterly belittled by him.
To make matters worse, this is not the first time he has shouted at me recently in an office full of people (I do give back when provoked though!) Plus I am currently 20 weeks pregnant (everyone at work knows about the pregnancy) which may be making me feel a little more vulnerable than usual.
So should I just stop being a little snowflake and pull myself together?? Or am I right to feel belittled and as though this is a product of a historically misogynistic working environment and that my colleague has essentially spoke to me like I am a little girl?!!

OP posts:
Freddystarshamster · 26/06/2017 22:10

He shouted. You shouted back?

How are you the victim in this? Not professional from either of you to be honest

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/06/2017 22:10

Personally if someone shouted at me at work I would be telling them in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable, I have made a note of exactly what happens and if they did it again I would be making a formal complaint. Time to put your big girl pants on and calmly and firmly stand up for yourself. (And FWIW he sounds like an arrogant misogynistic bully, but all you can do is make him behave appropriately around you) Flowers it stinks, but you don't need to put up with it.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/06/2017 22:11

Oh and don't shout back next time. It's much better to be the one in control of your temper

PenguinOfDoom · 26/06/2017 22:12

If you both ended up shouting at each other about politics in the middle of the office, you're both as bad as each other.

Totally unprofessional. This is why you don't get into political debates at work.

thisiswhatyou · 26/06/2017 22:14

Quite honestly, I wish people would not talk about politics in the workplace. I find it really inappropriate. I voted differently to the majority of my colleagues during Brexit last year and found the conversations really uncomfortable. I like my colleagues but just because someone isn't speaking doesn't mean they can't hear.

GreenHillsOfHome · 26/06/2017 22:16

There'll always be arseholes in the office and you need to learn to control your temper when around them, pregnant or not.

YABU.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:16

I had a conversation with my boss about it afterwards and I dis say that I realise I should not have shouted back at him. That is a fair point... but I do avoid conversations with this person about politics and the debate only started as he was eavesdropping (which I didn't realise until he started to have a go at me) would you not discuss something political with someone at work who has the same views as you in case someone else overhears it?
I guess the shouting back thing is a knee jerk 'trying to stick up for myself thing'
But the actual part that is upsetting to me were the words 'remember who you are talking to' and NOT the political part of the conversation.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/06/2017 22:16

If you think he's a misogynist then I believe you. But if you shout back at him then unfortunately you don't have a leg to stand on - it doesn't matter if you're defending yourself or fighting fire with fire, in HR terms you are both to blame.

You need to work on a different strategy. He of course won't. And that's when you can report him.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/06/2017 22:17

I think the point is that OP said he shouted first and it isn't the first time. However shouting back is not the answer, an air of tightly controlled rage concealed by icy calm is far more effective.

thisiswhatyou · 26/06/2017 22:17

Ethel, well honestly, no, I mean there is a difference between eavesdropping and happening to hear a conversation.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/06/2017 22:18

Give over , you are as culpable as him for being vocal in the work place about your political views, pregnant or not.

ArtemisiaGentilleschi · 26/06/2017 22:18

You sound both as unprofessional as each other.

Dizzybacon · 26/06/2017 22:18

Just ignore him and don't get into shouty conversations. I'm a female in the construction industry, professional managerial role. I deal with old fashioned pigs all the time, obviously HR would have a field day if I let my thoughts about them become public. I just keep my mouth shut and remain professional. This automatically reminds them of the hierarchy, they soon get bored trying to throw their weight around. Oh then they suddenly remember they need me for something and im back in favour again!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/06/2017 22:19

And yes, I would avoid all political talk in the office. It never really goes well and at the moment it's heightened. He could claim you do it to wind him up, or indeed that you do it to exclude him. Best to keep your nose clean, really.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:22

Fair comments. Thanks everyone. Next time he shouts at me I shall follow the 'icy calm' route Smile
P.s. please do not think I'm using my pregnancy to warrant shouting at someone... I'm not. Trying to figure out if hormones are to blame for still being pissed off about it all.

OP posts:
WindyScales · 26/06/2017 22:22

What did your manager say about it?

HildaOg · 26/06/2017 22:27

He targets you because you respond in exactly the way he behaves. Next time look at him like he's mad, curl your top lip slightly, silence for a few seconds... Then return to your conversation.

Sprinklestar · 26/06/2017 22:29

It may have been unprofessional, but I think it's only fair you shouted back. He felt he could shout at you, why shouldn't he get a taste of his own medicine?

Original poster
ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:29

He said that while the office isn't an ideal forum for political conversation, that he could understand why I was upset and had no idea how I or any of the other women have managed to work in the office for so long as it is so clearly sexist in there (he has only been there 4 months - I have been there for 10 years) he also had a word with my colleague about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:34

sprinklestar I guess that was my thought process at the time. He shouts at me (again in front of everyone) and I feel I should defend myself so as NOT to appear belittled. I definitely take the point about it being unprofessional though.

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 26/06/2017 22:35

Well bugger me. An aibu where OP is told yes, yabu and it is graciously accepted.

OP I applaud you.

HildaOg · 26/06/2017 22:36

Sprinkle; because she was shouting her politics back, not shouting at him to leave her alone. There's a time for raising your voice at people, a screaming political debate in work isn't one of them. Ever.

WindyScales · 26/06/2017 22:42

Wow, your manager said that! I'm glad he had a word with your colleague. It sounds like he would be an ally to try and improve the sexist attitudes in your workplace.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 26/06/2017 22:45

Chitofftheshovel no point in asking people's opinions if you're not going to listen to them Smile

Hilda when I raised my voice it was actually to point out how many times he had shouted at me recently etc. I wasn't being shouty about the politics part. Sorry - didn't make that clear but mainly because I didn't want to actually divulge the details of the political debate itself (I sense that there may be enough political threads on here lately Wink )

OP posts:
TattyCat · 26/06/2017 22:47

Christ I'm glad I no longer work with other people. It all sounds like hard work.

This is an example of a completely normal 'conversation' or 'difference of opinion' in the company of INDIVIDUALS, who DIFFER IN OPINION!!

It's normal, day to day shit. Get over it.