Aibu unreasonable to be expecting a 12/13 year old to make this choice?

[motherofmanygirls]

My dd is just finishing year 7. She has been unhappy at her school and bullied, she has spent months depressed and crying etc . We have tried a few times to sort it with the school but it just seems to make it worse every time.

We have three options.

1. she stays there and hopes it improves for year 8.

2. we try a different school near us which she could start in September.

3. she is home educated for year 8 and 9 and then goes to another school nearby which starts at year 10 for her GCSEs.
   Our five younger children are home educated so this isn't a new thing.

I should add she has never had friends in school, not even at primary she just doesn't get on well socially but at primary she was left alone to read whereas since being at secondary she has been really quite badly treated.

I have told her these options and asked her to make a choice but she refuses - she wants me to tell her what to do. I feel as though it's something she needs to decide ?

But aibu? Is she too young to choose on her own?

I need to know soon really!

Yes, she is far too young, and needs your guidance with this

User I have told her that I think that the current school won't improve and that she should consider leaving but I don't want to push her into home ed as it's a big change and at the same time I don't want her to feel like I don't want her home !

When they are in an emotionally fragile state you need to decide what is best for her - sounds like you need to rebuild her confidence as well

Is she the only one of the 6 that went to primary school? Was she every happy?

Your dd clearly doesn't know what she wants here. You need to be the grown up - talk it through with her, visit the other school together, then you decide.

Flogging - no they were all at school until a couple of years ago. My dd then chose to stay at school (she liked primary). And then chose to go to secondary - she has only disliked school at secondary.

It's a massive decision, and if she's being bullied and feeling anxious it is probably overwhelming as she won't want to make the wrong decision.

Yip you need to decide. I asked one of mine this. They said, don't take me out of school. Years later said, I wish you'd taken me out and home educated.
Since this I don't hesitate to as if it's not working don't keep forcing it, especially with depression and/or bullying etc. It makes it worse, the staying there.

Yes you should take over this decision, but discuss it with her. I would be inclined to home school her.

Ah that's tricky. My DD can get very stressed when faced with decisions - huge panic that whatever decision she makes will be the wrong one - and often calms down when it is taken out of her hands.

But nothing is forever, if she or you make the wrong choice then it can be fixed even if it takes a while - she could start year 8 but it doesn't mean she has to finish it for example.

Obviously she knows how home ed works due to her siblings but would she agree to a trial week in summer or something, are there clubs around she could join in with and older kids to meet?

I'd move her.

It's a tricky one OP. Year 7 was a difficult year for my DS1 too, a lot of adjustment, going from a small primary to "big" school etc. Have you spoken to the school, have they put anything in place for your DD to help her settle? I have to say Year 8 was much better for DS1. It's a shame she hasn't got friends, I know I would never get DS2 to school without them! It really needs to be properly investigated, as changing schools may raise the same issues, but in a different location. Is DD having problems with the work or just the school system? Has your daughter seen an Educational Psychologist, if so? I would think very carefully about home ed, especially as your DD experiences difficulties with social skills etc. Good luck OP, I know how worrying these issues are, DS1 often used to go to school crying in the early days of Yr7, it makes you feel absolutely awful. DS1 has finished school now, hooray! Xxx

Yoga - they haven't done anything. The most they have done is make some of the girls apologise in front of the class which as you can imagine didn't go down well.

She had chunks cut out of her hair where they stuck chewing gum in it even.

We spoke to our gp about her possible also being autistic as I am pretty sure she has similar problems to our younger girl just at a lower level. But he really didn't have much to suggest as she has no behaviour or learning difficulties - he made it seem like it was a waste of time to look into.

She does extremely well at her school work - the school have her in some kind of gifted and talented group - again this hasn't helped!

Move her, and if that doesn't work, then home-educate. Then at least you know.

Your pool girl. I think you're going to have to decide for her. She's obviously not feeling confident enough to make the right choice.
Fwiw I'd take her out and keep her at home.

If this problem has been going on for some time then it is very possible she has some form of autism. Girls express this differently to boys, or she might just be a bit incompetent socially. GPs are not great at this, tbh. As a teacher, unless the other school really differs from her present one, ie, smaller, nurturing, different type of kids,etc, I think you should home ed her to get her confidence back but ensure she joins external activities for sport, hobby so she can make friends. Children at year 7 and 8 are notoriously difficult at acceptance of difference. By year 10, they are coming out of it so I would make the decision for her.

We are moving our DS he did have input but at the end of the day it's up to us a parent's I think...I looked at other school on my own first then he looked with his dad and was happy...but there were obvious benefits in the new school....was smaller , stricter ..
.
Have you been to the other school? Apart from fresh start would there be specific benefits...?

I worry we've jumped the gun possibly as yr 8 supposed to be better but DS is sure....can't wait! So hopefully it'll work out ....

You have given her the choice.
She has chosen that you should decide.
If you haven't done it already, (Which I'm sure you have) have a long chat with your DD (and some short ones to catch her off guard) to see if you can eek out what she's really thinking.
Then decide for her.
If she disagrees with your decision. Then take that as her making her own decisions and discuss it again.
Remember, there are other options, HE now and start year 8 in Sept. HE now and start school sometime next year if it doesn't work out.

Take her to see the other school as soon as possible, as she can't make a truly informed choice until she's visited it. Maybe see if she could have a taster day there too before the end of term? Then help her think through the pros and cons of each option.

I don't think returning for GCSE year sounds a good idea: very disruptive. If you home ed why can't she sit GCSEs?

I would go and look st the other secondary with your daughter and really ask them how they help with socialisation, bullying, building confidence, etc.

Then sit and talk to her about what would happen if she was home educated. I presume as you already home educate your younger children you ask local groups for socialisation.

I'd sit down with her and make a pros and cons list for each. talk to her about why you want it to be her decision. If she won't give u an opinion, take note of what you felt her pull was when you completed the pros and cons list together, and maybe go with that. Whatever you do, if she does give an opinion, listen to her. I was offered a choice age 11 ish. I stated my opinion and expected it to be followed through, but it wasn't. Looking back, my opinion would have led me to the right school for me, shame no one really listened (even though they pretended to, and made out final decision was mine)!

My parents offered to move me in yr8 .. I said no and my god I wished they had x

Gum in hair, and it's a question, do we move her? Ok well the school won't protect her therefore you, the parents, have to step in. Just because it's "school" doesn't mean it's best for our children. Schools are insitutions run by other people, and authorities, and if your child was in a hospital or library or shop and someone was sticking gum in her hair, I don't think you'd sit back and question whether she should go back. Sorry OP.

Please look beyond the so called benefits of schools.
Ps I'm not anti school and have worked in very good schools and my children all attend schools but we have moved them about, done home schooling, but they are all now very happy.
However gum in hair other bullying, and the school not helping this situation, to me the answer is clear.

Personally I would prefer the home ed (obviously as it's what I chose for the younger children).

I think we will speak to/go and see other schools to try and get an idea of what help they could give her but I'm leaning towards keeping her home.

We do lots of activities and groups, home ed and evening ones so it may be easier for her to
practice those social skills in smaller groups and with children of varying ages rather than in a classroom .