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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell my DH to lose weight?

32 replies

NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 13:50

My DH is the best guy. Married 12 years, and I love him to bits. But, since we've been married, he's been piling on a lot of weight, and is up to roughly 25 stone. The weight doesn't change how I feel about him, however, we have 2 DCs (aged 10&11), and he has a terrible family history of heart problems, type 2 diabetes and cancer, so I'm really starting to worry about his weight killing him too early. He's 48 now, and I want him to get a handle on things. The thing is, we eat really healthy meals at home; I'm doing slimming world at the moment (have always been a 'normal' weight, but a few years living overseas gained me 2 extra stone!), but he likes a few drinks in the evening, which cause him to snack more in the few hours between dinner and bedtime. I've gently encouraged him to eat a bit less, and go to the gym, but he just isn't bothered. I worry that it will take a real health problem to get him to see what's happening.
I don't know how to approach it...I've never felt like it was nice to comment on other people's bodies, but I really want him around for our children and to see us eventually enjoying our retirement!
Any suggestions on how I can do this, or is it unreasonable for me to even bring it up?

OP posts:
SoENFJ · 26/06/2017 13:53

I'll be flamed but it's the same as I'd say to a woman, no, you would definitely not be unreasonable. I couldn't have sex with a man that overweight, there just isn't enough love in the world to fix that.

SoENFJ · 26/06/2017 13:55

Apologies, not a sex thread, it's a health thread Blush

Even less unreasonable then.

HildaOg · 26/06/2017 13:56

I would tell him. 24 stone is morbidly obese.

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/06/2017 13:57

YANBU. Not because of sex and not because of fancying him, simply because of his health. Tell him as kindly as you can that given his family history you're all going to overhaul your health; make it a family effort, stick to it and don't make it sound like "you're so fat I don't fancy you" because that's just a verbal punch in the bollocks.

PinkHeart5911 · 26/06/2017 13:57

25 stone does sound like an awful lot of weight and I too would be worried about any health complications that might come with that. Of course you want him to be around to see your dc grow and it's natural to worry about the health of someone you love.

you are Adults and should be able to discuss your concerns. Ultimately though he has to decide to lose weight and if someone isn't doing it for themselves they won't succeed.

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2017 13:58

He's drinking every night and hugely obese. Major health concerns.
But you can't instruct another adult to lose weight. Confide your concerns yes.

Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 13:59

Thank you. I definitely wouldn't want him to think I don't fancy him...i do, very much! But I want him around for a long time, and given his family history, he won't be. I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable.

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SheSaidHeSaid · 26/06/2017 14:01

YANBU because your concern is not a superficial one, you're genuinely concerned about his health.

I think you should say to him what you've said to us. The message might sting a little but, as long as it's said in a nice way, a bruised ego is better than health issues brought on by obesity.

Just be as kind as possible when you say it and encourage him as much as possible when he does make the right changes.

JennyOnAPlate · 26/06/2017 14:01

It's really hard but he needs to want to do it for himself. I'm about 6 stone overweight and if dh told me he wanted me to lose weight it would make me eat more. Because it would make me unhappy and I'm an emotional eater.

Weight is such an emotive subject.

Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 14:02

Wolfiefan it's not every night, to be fair...he does give himself a couple of days 'off' every week, but the amount he's having isn't helping his weight problem any, that's for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 14:03

Yes...i think I am worried about hurting him, but I think he needs some pressure to kick him in the arse and do something.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 26/06/2017 14:03

He knows hes overweight. You telling him to lose weight isn't going to make him lose weight. it's that simple.

user1490142285 · 26/06/2017 14:06

My dp (also 48) has gained four stone since quitting smoking, has knee pain and snores. He was asked to come in to have a 'well man' checkup or whatever it's called and I was hopeful that his gp would lay it out for him but while the nurse told him he fell on the 'obese' part of the chart, the doctor made a big joke about it. 'I hate when they say that. If you're obese then I'm obese!' Ha ha.

It is deffo NBU to tell him your concerns and to ask him to have his health checked. Whether or not it will change anything is up to him. Flowers

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2017 14:08

Even with a couple of night off. If he's regularly drinking enough to make him binge on food he MUST be drinking too much. Isn't the recommended about 14 units a week max.

Anatidae · 26/06/2017 14:13

Tough one. If you do, frame it as concern for health. Tell him what you told us - you love him, and with his family history you're worried. That's a different tone to 'you must do x.'
It's very difficult - he has to do it and he has to want to do it. And it has to be a positive change, shaming or guilting doesn't work.

Could you try the 'I spoke to x the other day and her husband has been diagnosed with (diabetes, heart disease etc) and it really upset me, I would like us both to get a good MOT and see what we need to do to improve our health. I love you so much I can't bear the thought of something preventable happening to you, and with your family history blah blah...'

Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 14:15

That's the thing, Greatfuckability, he does know it. But I've never pushed him to actively lose it...i do all the cooking, so I've overhauled our diet, and I keep snacks to a minimum. I do always have alcohol in...i like a gin and tonic now and then, but I may have to sacrifice for a bit to keep the booze out!

OP posts:
Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 14:17

Thanks, Anatidae that's a great way to phrase it.

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Bluntness100 · 26/06/2017 14:21

Why don't you say to him " we both need to go on a diet",

Then in bed tell him you love him but are worried about future health problems and think he needs to lose some weight.

Thebewilderbeest · 26/06/2017 14:21

I faced the same with my DH. What made me decide to talk to him about it was when my boss's husband lost his foot and lower leg, having already lost his sight as a result of type 2 diabetes.

I sat down and had a heart to heart with him and told him that I was really worried about what his lifestyle was going to do his health. I kept the focus of the talk about health rather than weight but I was quite matter of fact about it.

He took it very well (although is has to be said that he is not at all sensitive or highly strung). He has since lost 6 stone and is continuing to lose weight.

Talk to him, marriage is about being honest with each other.

Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 14:30

Bluntness I did try that when I joined slimming world...made it clear that all the family meals would be adapted, and they still are...even our snacks are sw friendly! The problem, aside from the alcohol, is that he'll find stuff to snack on, like toast, or cheese...stuff that I have in because Dcs want It, but not necessarily calorie friendly!
thebewilderbeest...that's really encouraging to hear...well done to your DH!

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bluebellation · 26/06/2017 14:31

Has he had a health check recently? Has he had his glucose levels checked, because he is quite possibly already diabetic at that weight.

My DH had gradually put on about 3 stone over the 8 years we'd been married when he went for an 'MOT' and discovered he was diabetic. It was the kick up the bum he needed to do something about his weight and he brought his glucose levels back into the normal range. He's started to put a bit back on but when he has his regular Hba1c checks reins it back in if they're straying too close to diabetic territory again. He admits being diagnosed was the best thing that's happened to him, health wise.

NC4now · 26/06/2017 14:33

I lost my dad to a heart attack at 47. He wasn't even in bad shape.
I'll be honest, I don't even hold back when people close to me are taking lifestyle risks.
I'm kind, of course. I wouldn't want to hurt someone I love, but I do say, "look, I love you and I want you in my life for a long, long time."
I don't think YWBU to say similar to DH.

user1495451339 · 26/06/2017 14:37

It's difficult to bring up but he is quite overweight so it is not surprising you are concerned. Like everyone says bring it up as a health concern. Make a pact not to drink in the week, we have done that in our house as my husband was drinking every night and kept getting gout - it has got a lot better since. Sounds like you have done well on the healthy eating front anyway.

My kids are a similar age so we have started doing sport with them like park run, tennis and swimming. We have some council tennis courts round the corner and pop over there a couple of evenings a week now it is light. We also go on lots of bike rides and walks at weekends.

Original poster
NorksAkimbo72 · 26/06/2017 17:07

All his glucose/cholesterol/blood pressure markers are spot on...for the moment. I think that's partly why he isn't bothered, he's taking his good health for granted, but once he hits 50, I imagine that will change drastically if he doesn't get some control now.
NC4now so sorry about your dad...47 is way too young! I can see why you are able to be straight with others about their lifestyles, and it's something for me to keep in mind when I speak to him.
We try to get active when we can. DH is currently doing most of the renovations to our house himself, and since he can only do it on weekends, it tends to be the kids and me who go for walks and stuff. I'll need to lure him out with us more often, I think...i can get the DCs to pester him more to come with us.

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NC4now · 26/06/2017 19:11

Way, way too young. It was such a shock, but keep in mind it's really rare.
Would you be able to afford some PT sessions? My mum has started them recently after a similar conversation, as she is very obese and has a lot of health problems accompanying it. She's doing brilliantly and is enjoying being in control. I'm proud of her, and less scared too. I'd be lost without her.