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Original poster

To throw my own baby shower

65 replies

StumpyScot92 · 26/06/2017 13:17

OK so I am currently pregnant with my first child and have a massive bug bear about baby showers. I always hate that they're (usually) female only.

Me and my partner have a lot of male friends who are going to be a big part of our babies life and a lot of male family too.

I also hate the grabby nature of baby showers and the over the top flowery pink girly atmosphere (tomboy at heart)

So was talking with partner and we were thinking to nip it in the bud before one of our parents starts trying to throw me the stereotypical baby shower (which would happen regardless of any protests...) we could arrange our own. There's a big hall used for lots of family occasions nearby with a cheap bar. We were thinking about just throwing a sort of pre-baby party, everyone invited male and female just a big get together for a laugh really. Making it very clear when inviting that its a no present party, just presence. Probably still have a few daft games that will be more amusing after a few drinks (a good strong lemonade for me mind you ;) )but nothing overly stereotypical and flowery.

However we've had very mixed thoughts on this from other people. Funnily enough the guys think its a brilliant idea and say they would love it, the girls I've mentioned to say it isn't the done thing and I really shouldn't throw my own etc.

Is it really that much of a taboo?

OP posts:
LAlady · 26/06/2017 13:36

I wouldn't bother.

Only1scoop · 26/06/2017 13:36

Why party/shower at all??
Bloody hell its getting ridiculous

Barbie222 · 26/06/2017 13:36

They don't sit well with me. I never go to them. There will be lots of people who find them upsetting for lots of reasons. But if you want control of the party I'd say you have the right idea to get in first and organise something to your taste.

famousfour · 26/06/2017 13:39

Bad idea IMO if you don't want a baby shower. Have whatever party you like but if it's a pre baby party it's highly likely to turn into a giant baby shower party with people bringing presents regardless of what you say.

If you don't want one don't have one and if you say you are too superstitious to have one before the baby has arrived then surely no one will force the issue...

crumbsinthecutlerydrawer · 26/06/2017 13:39

Just make it very clear you don't want one? I hate them and never had one with either of mine and the only person I know who has had them, one for each of her 3 children, organised them herself. She dressed it up as being a celebration but really she just wanted the presents.

Baby showers are 'grabby'. Even if you organise it yourself people will feel there is an expectation to buy you gifts, even if you say otherwise. If you really don't want that then just tell people you have it all in hand and have a party after the baby is born. If you can be bothered.

sauceyorange · 26/06/2017 13:40

Trust me, setting boundaries now will only help once the baby has arrived. Especially if they're pushy.

Just say no or hide behind the sofa or something. Unless, that is, you secretly want one but don't want t admit it...

Itsjustaphase2016 · 26/06/2017 13:44

Sorry but you sound a bit unhinged. And if you have the sort of family who do stuff for you that you actively and vocally dislike then they are unhinged too.

Just have a lovely big party when you baby turns one!

Please don't have a big group of grown ups playing weird daft games in a hall because you are pregnant. Traditional baby showers are a gift from the mum-to-be's closest friends and a chance to relax, talk baby, eat cupcakes, perhaps play guess the baby food, and get some
nice little items for the baby. If you don't have a close group of girl friends and don't like the idea (fair enough) then just don't have one! If you want a big knees up with your mates, have a party for the baby's birthday/your birthday etc

peachgreen · 26/06/2017 13:45

Why not just tell your friends you don't want a baby shower? They're not compulsory. I certainly won't be having one, I hate them for all the same reasons you do!

Then if you fancy it, invite your pals in a very casual way (e.g. "We'll be in X on Saturday between 7-11pm if you're free") to come to the pub for one last baby-free night out! :)

2014newme · 26/06/2017 13:47

You say your friends had one but presumably they wanted one whereas you allege that you don't.
You simply say to all relatives, "please do not organise a baby shower as I really don't like them".
I have only been to one, it was lovely, a champagne lunch, no gifts. So it's not the norm and you don't have to do it.

Namechange2837 · 26/06/2017 13:48

It's actually a total "faux pas" for families to arrange baby showers as it's seen to be grabby. So just tell your family you don't want them and that they won't come off looking good if they arrange one too. I went to one recently and it was just the weirdest thing I've ever been to. I'm pregnant and not having one.

unfortunateevents · 26/06/2017 13:50

Please don't do this. Your parents/grandparents/whoever else is apparently "insisting" on throwing you a baby shower won't see whatever you are organising as a proper shower - as you are inviting men, having no games, no presents etc? - so they'll still throw a party so half of your friends will end up attending both. Personally Hate baby showers and if I felt someone had invited me to two I would refuse to attend either!

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 26/06/2017 13:50

I actually like baby showers. I enjoy getting together with female friends, chatting, playing a few games and having some food. I don't like your idea though and am surprised any men think it sounds good. If I was invited to something like that, I honestly wouldn't bother going.

Make it clear to your family there is to be NO baby shower and in the event they try and get you somewhere to spring it on you as a surprise, you will refuse to go in the first place if you suspect it's a shower or you will leave if you realise when you get there. Surely they would have to be monumentally stupid to go ahead knowing you won't be there.

PinkHeart5911 · 26/06/2017 13:51

Do whatever you like, and call it whatever you like! your get a lot of hate for baby showers or having a pre baby party on here but like many things I've never found anyone in real life that has a problem with them. Anyone that doesn't like them well they don't have to attend it isn't compulsory.

I've been to huge baby showers and yes the Mum to be did receive gifts but as she is one of my closest friends I would of brought her bits once the baby arrived anyone so I gave them at the shower instead and just took a card & cake over once the baby was home. So it was hardly grabby

For me when I was pregnant the last two times in secret my friends (well dh knew) have a arranged a get together rather than a baby shower. One time it was Hired room in a local hotel & afternoon tea, the following time it was cakes/small buffet/music/mocktails at my house and it was enjoyable to see friends for the afternoon and just spend time with them.

I think your idea of hiring the hall and having a good time with family and friends before your baby arrives is a fabulous idea. Why the hell not? It's just some fun

TimeToMoveOnUp · 26/06/2017 13:57

Just tell people that you're having a get together, that you don't want presents but if people do want to get the baby a gift, then you would prefer they wait until after the baby is born and visit you then. Means people are happy about the present thing as in America you give presents at the shower, in the uk after the birth but people are assuming you have to do both hence the hate for showers .

Crunchymum · 26/06/2017 14:01

If you don't like them don't have one (please don't try to dress it up as an 'inclusive pre baby party' - that is beyond awful)

Tell everyone now there is to be no shower and if they go against your wishes you will not attend.

Quite frankly if your family have form for not respecting people wishes, you have bigger problems than a surprise baby shower (think interfering and undermining your parenting when baby arrives)

OhhBetty · 26/06/2017 14:02

Just have a bloody baby shower if you want one!
If not and someone organises one just make it clear you won't attend.
Why is it so difficult?

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2017 14:03

If you don't want one then tell your friends and family that you don't want one. Tell him you will walk out if a surprise one is thrown.

KoalaDownUnder · 26/06/2017 14:10

It makes no sense. A baby shower involves being 'showered' with gifts, hence the name.

Just have a party if you want one, and leave the baby out of it. Organising your own party called a 'baby shower' is beyond naff.

ZoeWashburne · 26/06/2017 14:15

I have been to a few 'Sip and See' parties, which are really nice. They aren't gift giving events, but they are just a nice chance for people to come meet the baby after they are born. Usually they are 2 hours, with drinks and snacks, and everyone can meet the little one. This way the focus is on the baby, not the mum if you are concerned about that.

I do think it is inappropriate to throw your own shower.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 26/06/2017 14:19

Ooh a baby shower thread.

Yanbu. Do what you want op.

AppalazianWalzing · 26/06/2017 14:24

I understand the problem with getting out of it if it's the norm in your social circle- I think they're awful, and grabby, but when an American in my friendship group got pregnant her friends threw her one, which I thought was fair enough, then it became the norm. I plan to get out of it by claiming to be superstitious and not wanting gifts before then any, which is true, but I can't exactly say 'no I think they're grabby and awful' when they're now the norm among my friends.

Agree about the gendered nature of them though- one of my friends had a baby shower for the women with games and cupcakes and baby grows, and the men went on a 'daddy's last days of freedom' day of pints and BBQ. Given when the first child is born is often when sex inequality really takes hold, I hate what it signals.

So... it's difficult. I'm stubborn, and would be inclined to say you don't want a gathering till baby is born. But realistically, if you're going ahead, I would have a trusted friend arrange it, make sure it's mixed sex attendance, and get her to stress you don't want gifts- you could suggest donations to a children's charity if people must or contact a shelter and see if they could do with baby clothes so if people bring things it's clear they're being donated?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 26/06/2017 14:32

You could just say we want to have a party before the baby comes. It doesn't need a name. I'm sure I had a gathering before my dc's were born. This was before baby showering was a thing in the UK.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 26/06/2017 14:35

We were thinking about just throwing a sort of pre-baby party, everyone invited male and female just a big get together for a laugh really. Making it very clear when inviting that its a no present party, just presence.

So you just want a celebration party. Don't think there is anything wrong with that really!

Laiste · 26/06/2017 14:38

One of two things will happen.

The 'party' will morph into a baby shower anyway (presents and baby stuff) except with beer and blokes present. Loads of people will get pissed and you won't be able to join in. Great.

Or it'll be so removed from a baby shower that they'll throw you a 'proper' one like you're dreading.

Why don't you just organise an afternoon at yours with a couple of best mates and loads of lovely cake and coffee, a decent cupper or a glass of wine? Call it your baby shower. Let them buy you a few babygrows. Job done. Nice afternoon.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 26/06/2017 14:41

I'd wait till the baby arrives personally and throw your own party if you want one.

The shower is a separate issue really, as you said you don't want one at all. I would just tell everyone, in no uncertain terms, that you don't want a shower. If they throw one anyway, then that's incredibly rude of them. I can't imagine doing that to for any of my friends or relatives.

It seems a bit backwards / controlling to throw a baby shower for yourself because you don't want anyone else to throw one for you.