To be upset at my parents

[AnnaL82]

Bit of background story.
Moved to the UK 5 years ago for DH, we work 90 miles away (see each other Thurs-Sun) and I'm currently 37+2 weeks pg. Due to DH having only 1 week paternity leave and baby expected for July, my parents convinced me to be back to my hot home country to give birth. It's my first pregnancy and I'm scared as hell of hospitals due to childhood experiences, so I have also a planned C-section for the underlying medical reasons. There are 35 degrees outside, my bump is absolutely huge, my legs look like tree trunks, I can barely walk and my hormones are out of control. DH has been flying from the UK and back every weekend since I'm here (left a couple of hours ago, will be back in 9 days for my hospital admissions).
Parents' house where I;m now has several stairs and 6 mezzanine floors, so moving things or even getting to the loo is a nightmare both for me and my mum who has knee problems. Dad does everything for us (with a lot of grumpiness). When DH is here, he does absolutely everything he is asked to, but he tends to be a bit messy (e.g. leaving shoes at the entrance, here not common as no carpets) and not to think autonomously to do something when it's not directly asked to. I normally try to balance his standards with theirs looking after his mess (for me perfectly tolerable btw), but at the moment I can't make it due to my physical condition. I do that on one hand because I found their tidiness expectations excessive, and on the other because besides this he is an absolutely lovely DH and he's going to be the best dad I could have dreamt for DS.
After he took the bus to the airport this afternoon, they started shouting at me and went on for more than two hours because they found mine and his behaviour fully disrespectful, as apparently:

• I don't respect my dad doing things for us as I don't shout at DH
• I don't respect my mum's pain because I'm only concentrated on myself while everybody has been pregnant and it's natural and I'm going to be facilitated by the c-section and my aunt was standing up and ironing the day after the c-section (?) and blah blah blah
• We both apparently don't appreciate the economical sacrifices they have done for us organising our wedding, helping us with the house deposit, buying things for the baby and every time they visit in the UK, while in-laws did nothing but they look like angels as they don't complain (they barely survive with a single minimum pension, while parents have more money, and we NEVER asked explicitly for the contributions they made, they volunteered saying no problem)

I have been crying for the last 2 hours and I'm just thanking God that I'm forced back to the UK mid-August if I want to be within the "maximum 90 days abroad" term that would allow me to apply to UK passport in November, but I really don't know how to stand them until then, thinking also when the baby will be born and I'll be also sleep deprived. I have been out of house at 18, earning my own money at 23, abroad since at 25, just don't find fair to be blackmailed on never asked economical terms and to be treated like this at 35 while heavily pregnant. AIBU?

Babies are very portable. It will be your health. And besides, maybe your in laws could pick you up.

They probably would if we asked - they are well over 70 but coming over by car already for my hospital days (hospital is 20 minutes away and they want to be independent).
The funny side of this story is instead how - by forcing me to push for this mid-August deadline - Brexit will be the main contributor to my next months mental health. Parents would have wanted me to stay for my whole maternity leave otherwise.

Your parents sound like a frigging nightmare, if I'm honest!

So sorry.
If I were you, and I realise it's really too late for you to travel back to the UK now, I think I'd see if you can book that B&B before your PILs arrive, take an extra room for them, and stay there instead of with your parents!
Or, if you have friends locally, could any of them put you up? Sounds like your living conditions are entirely inappropriate for your current state of health anyway, so you'd have a concrete reason for staying elsewhere, not just your parents' abysmal attitude.

I couldn't stand to be in that situation at that stage of pg - it would be just too upsetting and Things Would Be Said that would be hard to take back. :(

Tbh I have been thinking about but I'm afraid that moving out of parents' house now would cause more and more breakdowns and heartaches than staying with a fake smile and doing my absolute best, as some pp were suggesting, to prevent any argument. Need to choose the lesser evil - some relatives have been guessing the situation from minor behaviors and assuring me that the first nephew changes everybody's perspective, so I can try to live 12 days in the hope that their grandparents' role will take over all the rest.

Don't underestimate how territorial you'll feel over your new baby, csection recovery was easy for me both times (very lucky I know!) but first time around establishing feeding (if that's what you're doing) was stressful and painful and I didn't want anyone around other than my husband, the hormone crash on day 3 was spectacular (my DH, DM, MIL and the poor midwife all got the tears and temper) and having other people trying to tell me what to do 24/7 would've just been the icing on the cake and possibly totally ruined relationships with parents and ILs.

Good luck with it all!

Well yes, I would like to try with bf, for baby's health. Also, a friend who had c-section at same hospital told me MWs are really pushy in this respect - she got out at 4th day and proper milk at 5-6th, and they literally made baby starve with a few drops of colostrum and cry 24h a day, which in a 6-bed room with rooming in becomes easily a nightmare (but this somehow calms a bit my hospital anxiety as I won't be the only one awake at nights ahah). But BFing would also mean spending most of my time hidden upstairs so not that bad!
Day 3 I would be still in hospital, where DHs are allowed to stay all daytime while anyone else has to obey visiting hours, so not that bad. Hormones are so crazy atm that I think they will go down very slowly though.

Look everyone thrown together in high hear tiredness pregnancy old age will have a blowout. So start fresh today. You are 35 but say your dps insisted you went there. First of all accept it suited you and was your decision as a grown up. Go along with your dps as best you can. Rest a lot as that is normal at this stage. Help out and be grateful and make the best of the time now
I think you need to grow up a little bit. If l had to guess your age l would have said 22. You are not a victim..You made a decision. Stick with it. It will soon be over. Dont get into big discuussions with dps. Expect no understanding. They are not going to change..You knew what the house was like. I think its just heat making ye all cranky. Try and have a better day today..

So you are lucky to have parental support.

Nah. Not these parents. You shouldn't be grateful for feeling like shit, heat or not.

My parents are extraordinarily controlling (under the guise of being overprotective). You're actually better off coping alone than putting up with their crap as well. And from the little I've heard, I really don't think it will get any better after baby is here.

I had to live, at various times, with narcissistic controlling parents, when DS1 was 6 months old. It was absolute hell. I'd have been better off homeless with DS (obviously not, but you get my point).

They are emotional vampires, and they suck all the joy out of everything.

This should be such a wonderful time for you! You are getting ready to have your first baby!

My friend was petrified of hospitals, so I was there for her (single, father had left, no family apart from her mum) and I was there talking to her, keeping her distracted, helping her cope (she suffered with panic attacks).

What I'm saying is.....where is your emotional support??

Pregnancy is very very hard.

I was like you. Hating upsetting anyone, hated confrontation, didn't want to upset family, didn't want to tell DH what they were saying about him (which is worse keeping it all to yourself!) - but I'd be looking very lovingly at that B&B right now, and indulging in mutiples baths, and reading and relaxing before your world is turned upside down - in a nice way

I'd say to them - because you're a fucking nightmare to live with and you're not helping me at my time of need! But if you want something diplomatic, say you are desperately worried about your father, and how much pressure this is putting on him, and you would rather not be a burden on him and allow him to take care of your mother without the added pressure of taking care of you too.

Then I would change my name and disappear

Please nix the au pair thing now. It sounds like your parents are really undermining you and adding to your fears and the cycle will go on. As is now plainly obvious, you didn't need to go and stay with them to have your baby. Your DH could take the time off. You can and will cope with your newborn just as millions of other women have since time began. (Don't think you've mentioned medical issues, but I find myself wondering if you even needed the c-section or whether that was another result of people scaring you over your ability to cope. Whatever, it's done now). The point is, you're the mum now, and very capable by the sounds of things, independent in so many ways, so own that now and don't let your parents control how you'll parent this DC. Sounds like you have to ride out the whole situation until August now, but for god's sake let this be a lesson and don't let them interfere with your future. Be nice for now, be appreciative, whatever keeps things sweet, and then leg it asap!

(au pairs usually aren't great with newborns anyway and could well add to your stress, effectively having another young person to look after. a night nanny would be much more helpful, but honestly, you can do it. Don't be afraid)

I know it has been my mistake to come here optimistically knowing how they are, still don't see why I should be punished to have trusted my parents (and tbh, not even why I should be judged immature on here, as I have made well clear I have always tried to build my own life as far as possible). Btw yes, one of the reasons I'm here is also my medical condition - I got a neurosurgery op as a child and the surgeon who did it, still working, says there can be some risk over a natural birth, while NHS doctors suggested it could be done based on a very limited number of cases in the scientific literature, so I tended to trust my original surgeon, that's it. I'm fine in daily life just with some derived dyspraxic tendencies, that DPs have always used to undermine my confidence by seeing me useless at any non academic task (here their worry about DS, mostly absent DH and the au pair idea). I have tried all my life to show I can survive alone and to ask for encouragement rather than criticism but no way.

@gluteustothemaximus
Saving DF's energies sounds like a good excuse but I know them and in their eyes I would appear even more ungrateful. Trying to help him as much as possible with a brave face on.

I have tried all my life to show I can survive alone and to ask for encouragement rather than criticism but no way.

This is very sad OP.

I stopped trying in the end. Whatever you decide, I hope everything goes well for you. Once you have your LO, the ways that your parents are with you, will be dramatically highlighted with how you feel about your baby.

It's not very fair though is it? I had crippling SPD and they still expected me to tidy up the house for when they came round. Criticism all the way!! They got extra extra huffy when I asked if they could drive me to the hospital for physio (because DH at work) and they got very pissy with me, saying that they already do SO much for me, I'm putting them out etc etc

I have 3 children now. Not ever, will I EVER treat them like that.

So you made a mistake. It's not unreasonable to think that your parents should be there for you when you need them. And the realisation that they are not there for you, is probably making you feel worse.

Can you write stuff down? When I couldn't talk it through, I had to write stuff down to process it.

That's probably one of the points of this thread (other than survive last night when I couldn't sleep more than 1 hour or so) - writing things down in a foreign language massively helps to rationalise random thoughts.

Not happy of your struggles @gluteus but happy to read similar experiences, feel understood and less alone. Thank you.

You're welcome

If you want any further support via mumsnet, I would definitely suggest posting on relationships...folk there are a bit more understanding than on AIBU

I don't write stuff down anymore am NC with family. DH is my sounding board if I need to talk about the past. Lucky lucky him

Thought relationships was mainly relationship with DP/DHs? Good to know btw.
I'm the same with DH, poor guy . Don't intend to burn bridges but when DS will be born and we will be back visits will be less and less frequent due to distance - I'm not going to be exactly a Mary Poppins-like mum so I will dread travelling with him - and this will help!

No, although I thought that at first. Relationships basically cover any relationship at all. In fact, there are a tonne of threads on parent relationships.

If you search 'stately homes' you'll come up with lots of posts about parents very similar to yours. Some are NC, some are LC (low contact).

Sounds like low contact will be your best bet!

Lovely DH's are the best

Yes - I agree with posting in Relationships, or even reporting your own thread to MNHQ and asking them to move this one to Relationships.
More people hang out there who are familiar with every level of abusive/controlling relationships, and you're less likely to be told to suck it up and be grateful .

I can see what you're saying about moving out yourself causing more heartache and problems, but really, you have to consider yourself and your baby now, not your parents. If your mum is going to try and take over when your baby arrives, on the principle that "you can't do it dear, you know you're not good with xyz" then get out ANYWAY. There is nothing worse, as a new mum, than having some older woman try and tell you that you're doing it wrong (confidence-sapping) or that you need to rest all the time and they'll do it for you (also confidence-sapping and infantilising) - you need to learn to do it for yourself and your baby, without interference.

I had my MIL come and stay with me for 8w over DS1's birth, because my own mum had died while I was pg, and I thought it might be useful to have her there. Difference was, it was my own house - and I still felt interfered with, especially once the baby arrived and she kept doing things that I Didn't Like. And she really wasn't that bad! She was honestly only trying to help, and wouldn't have deliberately upset me for the world (but Hormones, you know) - and I still found myself literally grinding my teeth sometimes while she was holding him and clapping him on the bum to bring up wind, and itching to grab him off her.

Either have a hormonally induced showdown with them NOW before the baby is born, or plan to get out if they don't start to show you more respect as an adult woman who is about to have her own child - because you just don't need the extra stress, it will not help you and could actively harm you.