To be upset at my parents

[AnnaL82]

Bit of background story.
Moved to the UK 5 years ago for DH, we work 90 miles away (see each other Thurs-Sun) and I'm currently 37+2 weeks pg. Due to DH having only 1 week paternity leave and baby expected for July, my parents convinced me to be back to my hot home country to give birth. It's my first pregnancy and I'm scared as hell of hospitals due to childhood experiences, so I have also a planned C-section for the underlying medical reasons. There are 35 degrees outside, my bump is absolutely huge, my legs look like tree trunks, I can barely walk and my hormones are out of control. DH has been flying from the UK and back every weekend since I'm here (left a couple of hours ago, will be back in 9 days for my hospital admissions).
Parents' house where I;m now has several stairs and 6 mezzanine floors, so moving things or even getting to the loo is a nightmare both for me and my mum who has knee problems. Dad does everything for us (with a lot of grumpiness). When DH is here, he does absolutely everything he is asked to, but he tends to be a bit messy (e.g. leaving shoes at the entrance, here not common as no carpets) and not to think autonomously to do something when it's not directly asked to. I normally try to balance his standards with theirs looking after his mess (for me perfectly tolerable btw), but at the moment I can't make it due to my physical condition. I do that on one hand because I found their tidiness expectations excessive, and on the other because besides this he is an absolutely lovely DH and he's going to be the best dad I could have dreamt for DS.
After he took the bus to the airport this afternoon, they started shouting at me and went on for more than two hours because they found mine and his behaviour fully disrespectful, as apparently:

• I don't respect my dad doing things for us as I don't shout at DH
• I don't respect my mum's pain because I'm only concentrated on myself while everybody has been pregnant and it's natural and I'm going to be facilitated by the c-section and my aunt was standing up and ironing the day after the c-section (?) and blah blah blah
• We both apparently don't appreciate the economical sacrifices they have done for us organising our wedding, helping us with the house deposit, buying things for the baby and every time they visit in the UK, while in-laws did nothing but they look like angels as they don't complain (they barely survive with a single minimum pension, while parents have more money, and we NEVER asked explicitly for the contributions they made, they volunteered saying no problem)

I have been crying for the last 2 hours and I'm just thanking God that I'm forced back to the UK mid-August if I want to be within the "maximum 90 days abroad" term that would allow me to apply to UK passport in November, but I really don't know how to stand them until then, thinking also when the baby will be born and I'll be also sleep deprived. I have been out of house at 18, earning my own money at 23, abroad since at 25, just don't find fair to be blackmailed on never asked economical terms and to be treated like this at 35 while heavily pregnant. AIBU?

Not 10 weeks but 10 days obviously

I would get back to the uk, this situation is just going to cause u more stress. When your husband comes back there will be more tension.

Also I think u r not wise with regards to getting baby documents to travel so soon. It would have been easier to have it in the U.K. Esp in regards to your status

Going back, besides my physical status, is complicated by the fact that I have already given back my maternity notes before leaving as midwife told me NHS wanted them back before birth abroad... no more real contact with hospital and so on, plans were just to register baby at my GP upon return to start home visits and vaccines on time :(
None of our statuses is actually so dangerous if we all manage to travel back on time (I can get the British passport before full Brexit, DH got already his citizenship a few years ago so DS will be citizen "by descent" through him). The real problem in this respect is to get ASAP a travel document for DS. If we don't, I have another year to sum up less than 90 days abroad (and with a LO it won't be difficult), but I'm pushing on this to get a sound excuse to run away ASAP...

A lot of my Indian friends and family do this. So I'm going to give you the same advice I gave them:

You chose to go to your parents this late in the pregnancy knowing how they are, and you will have to stay, so why can't you make more of an effort? If your DF is pissed off because you don't show appreciation then show it. A lot of my Indian family think it's their mum's job to wait on them hand and food during pregnancy and it's really not - your dad is right, people get pregnant all the time and often British people get no help so you are INCREDIBLY lucky. It doesn't take much to say please or thank you or to tell your husband to make more of an effort with your family.

I'm just telling him that by skype, otherwise the days in July with him might become even worse than when I'm here alone. I chose that from an optimistic point of view, naively thinking that with their first nephew on his way they wouldn't feel the need to throw things never asked for back in our face. I was clearly wrong. I would rather struggle alone as many British people (who, I guess, if don't have a family around have at least a friends network in many cases, which I don't) than fighting about (in many cases unnecessary) things I was guaranteed I would have given for free. I would rather eat cheese on toast every day than listen to someone telling me i have cooked this and that for you (but also for himself). Well it means I have to put on a fake face until August and then cut it - but even then, it looks impossible, because they offered to pay for an au pair for when PIL will leave as DH is away most of the time and "you don't have a clue what it means being alone with a baby! you are so irresponsible! luckily WE are thinking ahead on your behalf because you reason like a headless chicken" - so it seems even impossible to get rid of this f*ing economical blackmail. Tbh, I'm not starving and I have people around me, but I don't feel I can consider myself lucky just for that.

British women get family or friends support in the way people from other countries do. In fact it's considered usual to get on with it and can be very lonely especially if your DP needs to work.

I do sympathise, but the alternative is you by yourself with the kid. You need to be self-sufficient yes but you chose to go your home-country, it's too late to leave now, just make your peace with your family. Stay until the baby's born, leave, then don't return.

Job done. But while you're there with them you need to follow their rules.

Should read 'British women don't get...'

You are not unreasonable to feel upset but likewise you have drunk from this poisoned chalice. If you accept help, it is likely to come with strings attached. Consider this as a lesson for the rest of your life post childbirth and don't accept this kind of help unless you are willing to accept all the crap that comes with it. Wish you the best of luck for your final days of pregnancy, birth and the haze of the early days and suggest you leave as soon as you can!

If your father is doing everything for you, then the least you can do is be grateful. If you don't want to be beholden to him, you shouldn't have gone there. Lots of us get on with having babies with no family or friend support at all.

That's exactly what I plan to do as it looks like the only option. As an only child I have spent my whole life trying to escape their controlling power - yes I've had a nice start by finishing uni with no debts but I have studied hard, got 2 PhDs and never been lying on my privileges. UK is the 3rd foreign country I have been living in, earning money and learning language and culture, and I absolutely love the way people there allow DC to have their full independence and responsibility at 18. DS will be British from birth and I'll do my best to never interfere with his life or want anything back - he will just need to know I'll be there if he needs me.

I have never said I don't want to be grateful - I am. I just find some things too exaggerated and don't like the way a) my feelings and fears are not respected and underestimated and b) what they do even unasked is thrown back at me resentfully in a stage of my life where I would much prefer a "yes I know you're scared and tired, I understand you" to a cooked meal accompanied by accusations of being a drama queen with no brain because everybody has done that and still I don't realise what comes afterwards. Sorry pps if my priorities are different.

You're hot, you're tired, you're hormonal, you're claustrophobic, you're angry, you're without your DH (who sounds heroic).

You're also sounding spoilt, and not a little princessy. Your dad is right, women have been having children all by themselves since the dawn of time.

Just stay put, rest a lot, use whatever energy you have to help your dad, and wait for the baby to arrive. The baby will change everything. Also, have ZERO expectations of help from your parents with the baby. You will be the parent; you do the work. You might get some of your food cooked for you, and that would be lovely (you won't have to think about shopping, cooking, washing up etc).

Don't burn any bridges. By the time you're onto baby number two this will all seem very petty.

Oh, I really feel for you.

You mentioned overprotective, but actually they sound like control freaks.

I would want to get the hell out. Sorry. Unhelpful. If you could get another method of transport back, the NHS wouldn't turn you away would they?

They sound bloody awful OP. Have some

TBH, if I were you, I'd be researching all possibilities of getting back to the UK ASAP (preferably before birth. Not sure where you are but how about the train? Get to France and then take the Eurostar.

I'm prepared to do everything for the baby (this is just my n-th sleepless night...) and to combine every possible contraception method to avoid a second one unless one out of me and DH manages to move closer. I don't like confrontation at all and burning bridges with my family is the last thing I want. I'm just feeling a complete sht and realising I might deserve it at some extent but not now*. I can barely move, can't sleep, my blood pressure is minimal and It's so bloody hard to do anything and think rationally with no emotional support.

It's not ideal, but the best thing you can do is make it up with your parents and not tell your husband about their complaints about him (as that will only make him extremely uncomfortable when he goes to stay with you).

A friend of mine was up washing babies clothes soon after a c-section. Again, no ideal, but just so you know it is not impossible.

Every pregnancy is different, but you haven't said anything here about a problem apart from the heat, so is it possible that you are exaggerating. It really must be exhausting for your dad, running after two invalids.

Thanks to everyone who had some words of support too - it's pretty clear that getting back is hardly an option at this stage and that I just have to suck it up, learn the lesson and firmly reject any future interference masked with help. I just wanted to vent a bit as I'm feeling so bad, can't stop crying and don't want to make DH feel guilty of anything as imho he just doesn't deserve it.

I think you need to help out your parents as much as possible.

I'm British. I moved back to the uk at 8 months pregnant. I has NO friends or family to help me nearby. So no not ALL British women have support. Some of us don't. I had a womb infection and became pretty ill. Now I'm chronically ill. So you are lucky to have parental support.

That said, your parents should not have offered you something they can't fulfiL. So time to get yourself and your baby out of a difficult situation.

Get on the phone tomorrow and find out how long it will take to get travel documents once your baby is born. You cannot fill a passport request online in advance as any saved data will be deleted after 72 hours. But get all documentation ready so that you will be ready the moment your baby is born. Your dh can fill in the application online for you and then you can do the rest. Or perhaps you can get an emergency passport by presenting at the embassy. You will need to speak to the British embassy and find out how to get an emergency passport. I thought used to be able to take documents to the embassy but perhaps that's for replacement Passports.

Stop burying your head in the sand and get this sorted out before your son is born so that your husband can get the documentation when he returns to see you once the baby is born.

You are a grown adult and perhaps your parents are treating you like a unseless and ungrateful child. It doesn't mean you have to turn into one.

I was in almost exactly the same position as you - uncanny but true. I am now way the other side of baby number two. My first post was my personal experience.

If you really can't handle any of this right now, remove yourself from the situation. You've heard them out, you're in your room. Stay there and rest as much as possible for the next few days. Let the dust settle. When you do go downstairs, go around meal preparation times and actually help. Then help clear up and ask if there's anything else you can help your dad with while you're downstairs. If not/once job is done, go back upstairs and give yourself and then some space. Don't come back down until next meal preparation time. Remember, they're not used to having their space invaded as much as you're not used to living with them. They have no clue yet how to behave as grandparents; imo it's a skill to be learned as much as being a parent is.

You haven't got long to go. The last two or three weeks drag on and on. Just don't forget this feeling in all the post-baby/ new pregnancy euphoria next time round!

Sorry Atenco x posting but I have answered you partially- yes, trying to protect DH already. And yes, pg thankfully rather uncomplicated so it's mostly a psychological thing driven by uncontrolled hormones and my absolute terror of hospitals. I have no problems dealing with physical pain when I have peace of mind so I just hope baby will do the miracle

@mummyoflittledragon are you talking about DS's British passport or the other one (he can have both)? I have been already collecting info. In my country baby can't get a passport without an ID (they are separate documents), and ID can't be done here due to us parents being not residents, so embassy has to be involved. I have already asked for suggestions and based on those, written today to embassy to pre-inform them (with local council cc'd)

@Smitff thank you, this looks sensible and doable.

Does anyone know if first British passport can be done remotely? I have understood the only problem is a counter signature on baby's photo, if this is really the only hindrance DH could fly back and forth in 2 days, but then what is the real timescale?

Yes I was talking about your ds's passport. Glad to see you're on the case. If it takes a long time to get the passport, iis it feasible once the baby is born to visit other relations and/or your inlaws "to give your father a break"?

It might be an idea if things get too hard with DH and baby here. If the heatwave gives us a break in late July, perhaps it becomes not too unreasonable for a baby to travel 3 hours by train to PIL.