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31 replies

tattiehat · 25/06/2017 10:44

Really need some perspective here as I'm doubting myself!

My DH is a SAHD I work FT, he's great with DD (2). DD also goes to a childminder 2 days a week mainly to help with her social skills.

When i come in from work I spend time with DD and pretty much do everything with her til I put her to bed, I love this time with her no complaints about that at all. What annoys me is that I am then expected to sort dinner out do dishes etc whilst he is sat on his phone. He does little housework although he does do the laundry (I still have to iron). If he does something like the vacuuming then he tells me so like he wants a medal for it Angry

At the weekends it's almost always me that gets up with DD unless I make a song & dance about never getting a lie-in then he'll take a turn but I will never hear the end of it. I am also expected to basically take care of DD at weekends/holidays etc (he does a little bit but no nappy changes because he does them all week Hmm)

Perfectly willing to be told IABU......?

OP posts:

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/06/2017 10:45

I'd be getting rid of he finds work.

Regardless of either sex being in this situation, the one at home doing nothing and using childcare for two days a week is sheer lazy.

It's not a partnership at all.


yorkshapudding · 25/06/2017 10:49

What is he doing when your DD is at the childminder two days a week? Surely two full days a week should be enough for him to clean the house, do laundry/ironing and still have some downtime!


FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 25/06/2017 10:51

This doesn't sound like a fair balance at all. Can he not do the house tasks the two days DD is not there?


tattiehat · 25/06/2017 10:52

Thanks for the replies.

He's usually doing DIY things when DD at childminder, for all his laziness regarding domestic chores he is actually very good at DIY!

It was our choice for him to stay home with DD as it made sense money wise

Just feeling so pissed off and sad

OP posts:

FloatyCat · 25/06/2017 10:57

You need to list all the 'jobs ' and how long it takes to do them. This is classed as 'work'. Then list your own working hours, whatever is left over you split 50/50. Definitely the person at home needs to make the dinner.
Your current set up is very unfair on you. Yes I would say this if roles were reversed.


PaperdollCartoon · 25/06/2017 10:59

That's a lot of DIY if it takes up 2 days a week? Are you renovating a house?


BandeauSally · 25/06/2017 11:04

Well for starters, the cooks never washes up. So you shouldn't be doing dinner and dishes. It's one or the other. Maybe you could alternate nights. Same with weekend lie-ins. He does Saturday, you do Sunday (example).


FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 25/06/2017 11:10

Ace suggestion by FloatyCat. Lay it out and make it really clear. No one can argue that.


kaytee87 · 25/06/2017 11:11

God I'd be furious. Apparently nursery doesn't really benefit a child until they're 3, they can learn all the social skills they need from interactions with their parents, going to the shops, visiting family and friends etc before that age. Nothing against nursery though as my own child will be going at age 1 so I can work.
Why is he not doing the housework and cooking? Especially on the 2 days he doesn't have dd?
Each should take a turn at the weekend so you both get one lie in a week.
He sounds lazy


kaytee87 · 25/06/2017 11:14

Sorry I misread childminder as nursery. A childminder makes even less sense re social skills if I'm honest.


BoraThirch · 25/06/2017 11:14

If he has two child free days a week he needs to do the housework then, so you can spend weekends relaxing. There are two weekend days so that means one lie-in/free morning each.

Take turns to cook and clear up.


Neutrogena · 25/06/2017 11:18

I have read many other threads saying 'When I have looked after the kids all day, my husband can pull his weight".


Blondielongie · 25/06/2017 11:21

I think in evening, whoever sorts out child (bath, supervise child eating, reading, bed etc) should get out of making dinner/tidying up. All chores split evenly when both parents home, which means as soon as child goes to bed, both parents can relax.

Whoever cooks, washes up as they go along, the other person cleans plates at the end.

Drives me mad when DP comes home and goes straight on computer.


BandeauSally · 25/06/2017 11:22

Yes I have read threads like that too neutrogena. I have never seen any of them saying the woman should sit on her ass on her phone from the moment her DH walked through the door and refuse to do nappies on weekends or holidays!


swimmerforlife · 25/06/2017 11:42

I agree with Kaytee, there is really no need for your dc to be in childcare for 2 days at that age, esp at a childminder. One day is fine as it gives him a break (we have a similar set up as DH is also a SAHD) and chance to do some chores.

Tbh, he honestly sounds useless. He should be taking care at least of half of the housework. I'd rather be a single parent than put up that shit.


StarTravels · 25/06/2017 11:50

I can't believe the suggestion the OP lists jobs for her DH to decide what he should be doing each day. She's not his boss!

Does he take the DC to baby groups/classes and play with/make stuff with your DC at home all day OP? It's hard work!

Is your DC at the childminder for two full days or just a few hours each day? Are the DIY jobs things that need doing or hobbies/leisure pursuits for him? As I think that makes a big difference.

Also what time do you get home from work?

I'm a SAHM and my DC is 2 and just started at nursery for 2 morning a week to socialise and he loves it. I think it's definitely worthwhile for him, and it gives me a break. Even when you're home with your DH at the weekend he will still be doing childcare with you and you need a mental break from the 24/7 of it all.

That said, I do a mix of chores and run my own business at home. The house is hardly spotless but I do make sure the kitchen is cleaned daily and the house hoovered daily with toys tidied up. As well as doing laundry. He does his own ironing though! I do believe I'm there for childcare though not as a cleaner.

My DH gets home at around 7-8pm and by then the bedtime routine is done. And my DC has had his tea and either in bed or waiting to see his dad before he goes up.

My DH likes cooking and is better at it than me so he cooks most nights. I clean up after.


tattiehat · 25/06/2017 12:58

Thanks folks for the replies, seeing things a bit more clearly now.

A serious chat required!

We've been doing up a house to rent out as a holiday let so that was the initial reason for DD going to childminder but we found that her talking and her confidence is so improved that we've kept her going, she loves going! The house is more or less finished now and certainly doesn't require 2 days full work a week.

I drop off and pick up DD on her days at childminder so DH can even get a lie in on these days (feeling like a total mug reading that back!)

DH is really good at cooking and used to do it quite a bit (pre DD) and I keep reminding him of that but it's only the odd occasion that he actually takes it upon himself to think about dinner before I get home.

I am more than happy to get home take DD out for a walk/play park/play in the house then bath & bedtime, that's my time with her & I love that it's being expected to sort the rest of the shit out after that that gets to me.

I think a reminder of chores that need done wouldn't be a bad thing.

He does take DD out a lot to playgroups, park etc

Something definitely needs to change in this house or I'm gonna explode!!

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 25/06/2017 14:18

My DS is 3 and goes to a CM two days a week and on those two days I'm at home.

Normally I would be at work but I'm currently off sick (pregnancy related) and have been for about 9 weeks now.

On my two days off I don't use them to do all the housework but instead use them to just rest and enjoy not being at the beck and call of my child for 13 hours straight like I usually am.

DH does the drop offs at the CM on those days but I don't get a lie-in as I'm still up with DS from 6am and it's me who gets him washed and dressed and feeds and waters him and sorts out his bag and packed lunch etc. Does your DH not do any of this on the day childcare is used or does he literally stay asleep in bed and leave you to get your child ready and yourself ready? If he goes that's really poor of him.

On the days I'm home without DS I maybe spend 1-2 hours doing housework jobs but the other 8 hours I tend to just waste away.

DH does CM pick up on his way back from work and they're home about 5pm. DH cooks dinner whilst I play with DS and then I will go bath time and bedtime too so DH will get a good two hours free of childcare duties when he gets home. Once DS is asleep I then go and wash up after dinner.

On the days I'm at home with DS I try and get household jobs done throughout the day and as long as I've done at least one load of washing, the washing up has been done and the kitchen floor is clean then I'm happy with that. DH is home from work at 5pm and he tells me to go and have half an hour quiet time upstairs with a cup of tea and a magazine so I can have a breather from being with DS all day. I love that half hour Grin DH then cooks dinner whilst I tend to DS and again I do bath time. Maybe two nights out of the five that DH had been working he will put DS to bed and do stories etc and that's typically when he can see I'm frazzled from having had a long/hard day with DS.

Whichever one of us is doing bedtime the other one will tidy up a little downstairs in the lounge and tidy up the playroom etc.

At weekends everything is sgated our pretty fairly though DH does let me have a lie-in on both Saturday and Sunday as he's an early riser anyway and he knows I'm up from 6am each morning too and it's me who deals with 90% of the night wakings though thankfully they only happen a few times a week.

We use the weekend to do our big cleaning jobs, the kitchen, the bathroom, the hoovering etc and we split it up between us and then the rest of the weekend we just spend doing family things together.

In general things work out fairly. DH knows that I do a lot more of the childcare than he does so he makes sure I get downtime from it as much as he can. At some point over the weekend he takes DS out to soft play and swimming, just the two of them so I can have 2-3 hours to myself. He's happy to cook every night when he gets in from work as he feels that at least then he's contributing something to the household tasks in the week because I pretty much do all the other jobs.

Anyway - I just wanted to give you an insight in to how it works for us seeing as our set-up is quite similar to yours.


FloatyCat · 26/06/2017 13:04

It's not about acting like the OP is her dh's boss startravel, it's about making sure all the jobs get done fairly rather than being left to her - after she has worked.


Motherbear26 · 26/06/2017 13:21

I am a SAHM and I do feel that since I am home I should do the bulk of the housework. However my DH and I do take turns with lie-ins etc as we both have to be up early mon-fri (him with work, me with school). My DH does no housework which annoys me but I deal with because he is so good with the children.

From my perspective I think your situation is quite unfair to you as you are out working, and doing the majority of the housework and cooking as well as assuming full care of DD on your time off. It doesn't seem as though you are a team. He needs to pull his weight more.


StarTravels · 26/06/2017 13:53

I'd not be too impressed Floatycat if my husband started writing me a list of chores I had to complete each day. Not unless I can also list out what he's allowed to get up to at work, and in that case he'd have to grossly reduce his trips to coffee shops and reduce his lengthy lunch "hour"!

I guess it depends on whether you think a SAHP is also a cleaner. I didn't give up my (pretty good) career to clean. I gave it up to raise my children. I'm out every day and very busy with my DC. I do chores related to the DC and I believe it's right the OPs DH does this too. But I think he should be sensible enough to come up with this list himself.

This is just how it works in our house anyway. If my DH expected it to be different to this, then I would just go back to work to be honest as my life would be a lot easier (and more fulfilling)!


Urubu · 26/06/2017 18:41

No way this is fair OP.
I get the fact that when you get home he wants you donnto do everything that is chil related as he has been doing it all day BUT he doesn't automatically get to relax while you do it!
When I was a SAHM I would give DH the DC as soon as he walked the door but I would do household chores while he was looking after then and until bedtime, then we both got to relax once they were in bed.
Alternate lie ins at the weekend, and also alternate "on call" nights at the weekend (SAHP does all weekdays though)


Huldra · 26/06/2017 19:11

One does the bath and bed thing, the other does dinner, both clear up afterwards.


holeinmypocket · 26/06/2017 19:21

My DH 'does laundry' when I'm at work. It drives me mad, he literally does 3 loads of washing and then I get 2 massive ironing piles. In the winter he can fill every radiator top with scrunched up wet clothes. Washing clothes is barely a chore, it takes a couple of minutes to fill the machine and then about an hour of playing on his phone before another 10 minutes of effort. If you get a list each of job, make sure laundry is on yours!!


StillDrivingMeBonkers · 26/06/2017 19:24

He sounds like the majority of the female SAHPs on this forum. Their job apparently is solely to watch the child, no house work, no cooking, etc and the wage earner who is out of the house 12 hours a day is expected to pick up the slack and do 50% of everything the SAHP hasn't bothered to do.

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