Was I terribly rude?

[PsammeadPaintedTheLion]

Background - DD2 is 4 and a half. She has a full name, which we often call her by, and a nickname which is derived from that name, which we also often call her by. Say her name is Clarabelle (it's not) and we call her Clara as a nickname.

MIL and FIL, since she was born, call her by her nickname, but when referring to her full name, very often get it wrong. They'll say, for example 'Clarissa'. They do not do it maliciously, that's absolutely for sure. They see dd2 almost every day as we are neighbours. I always politely correct them. It's not happened for a while and I have been quietly referring to her by her full name in front of them, to get it into their heads.

However, today, DD2 was in a performance in our town, and afterwards, FIL introduced her to a friend of his, very proudly, as his 'granddaughter, Clarissa'. I firmly, but not angrily, said 'no, Clarabelle' and he said 'oh, it doesn't matter'. I strongly disagreed with him and said 'it does matter, it's her name, and it's been 4 and a half years now'. I said this very firmly although not aggressively. The poor woman who was being introduced looked horrified, and my MIL, who is lovely, rapidly changed the subject and tried to jolly us all along, which was probably good.

I chatted to him again after a minute in my normal way, I'm not normally so stern and I felt bad, but didn't bring it up again. Do I owe him an apology do you think? I asked dh and he just laughed weakly and would not be drawn. I am not scary, honest!

WIBU, considering he was trying to introduce us to someone and I made a bit of a scene?

Agree with RubyRose

You were 100% not in the wrong. It sounds like the FIL is disrespectful and wishes you called her something else and is just going with whatever he feels like.

No, I don't think you were rude. Getting her name wrong is bad enough but announcing it doesn't matter is awful.

I think you were right to say what you did - not rude at all.

My thought was that the friend looked horrified because your FIL didn't know his own granddaughter's name and then made things even worse by saying it didn't matter!

Don't apologise - you are not in the wrong here.

Not U at all - the wrong name after over 4 years! I would have thrown a wobbly long before. What is the matter with these people ?

Even drove me mad when a ballet teacher repeatedly called my dd AlexandER instead of AlexandRA - FGS it was pretty obvious that she was a girl. I wanted to slap the wretched woman.

Ditto Dh repeatedly pronouncing our French neighbour's name - Frederique - as FREDerick instead of FrederEEK. wouldn't mind but he goes to French conv. classes so he ought to have a bloody clue, esp. after I'd told him more than once.

If it's not being done maliciously, then the wrong name has probably become imprinted and he will have to make a big effort to unlearn the wrong one (I regularly call my new dog by my old dog's name because I am so used to saying that name) If the nickname you use is more commonly used as a nickname for another name then you can see where he may have got confused. But he;s had 4 years sort it out if that was the reason

Were you rude ? - yes probably, but he's been told and he hasn't made that conscious effort (it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd said 'Clarissa - sorry I mean Clarabelle at least that would show he was trying) he's rather got away with getting her name wrong for a long time because he hasn't been embarrassed by being corrected before. Now he has he might make a bit more effort.

The thing is if he introduced an adult by the wrong name and was corrected, his response would not have been 'it doesn't matter' it would have been 'I'm so sorry' your DD has an equal right as anyone else to be accorded respect over her name.

Don't apologise, he should be saying 'I'm sorry I upset you, I'm going to make areal effort t o get her name right now.'

so just to clarify, they always call her by the same wrong name, which is the same name as their niece? While not making it right, that does explain it a bit - I was wondering how they could possibly get her name completely wrong for four and a half years, but if they 'know,' it, but get it mixed up with a similar name of another relative that's more understandable (but still very annoyign for you, and possibly worse for your dd as she gets older).

Do they write the correct name on birthday cards or whatever?

I wouldn't apologise unless FIL apologises first, as he was rude twice.
If it happens again I think you'll have to have words and, as you suggest, just say that if he can't remember the right name just always call her by the shortened form, as if not as she gets older it will become more confusing and distressing for her.

No don't apologise unless he has something going on with his memorie then there is no reason why he can't remember the name of his own grandaughter he's had 4 and 1/2 years to learn it and it's not sunk in by now that's just taking the p!$$ it's not like she was only born last week.

I sympathise OP. My PILs got my daughter's name wrong for years. She's 16 now and I think they've got it. I had to keep correcting them, though. Don't apologise - he was in the wrong.

This drives me insane. DD is Elizabeth and we call her Lizzie. When she was in nursery the teacher insisted on calling her Beth and even had the fucking audacity to suggest that Beth was the nicest shortening of Elizabeth.

I posted on MN and true to MN form, instead of support I got told that I couldn't control what others called her and that she was her own person (at 3 ) and had every right to decide Beth was nicer. There was even a few posts saying they agreed with the bloody nursery teacher!

OP, YANBU! Though I'm surprised you've been as patient as you have all these years.

Always use her full name in front of him until it sticks.

He's got the wrong name in his head. He doesnt hear you say the real one and he always thinks the wrong name when he thinks of his DGD's long name. (He probably thinks of the nickname as her 'real' name).

Not the best place to do it. But I get your frustration. I've been with dh for 25 years. And his father still can't be arsed to make an effort to say my name correctly. He's French. It's only 2 fucking syllables fgs. He also sends mails addressed to dhs surname even though we married 19 years ago and at dhs insistence we double barrelled our names. It's just fucking rude. I'd be pissed off in your place.

My in-laws can't get DD1s name right and it's been 10 years. They also can't get my mum's name right. & we've been together for 22 years. YANBU!

Dd is Beth short for Elizabeth & i have a friend that always asks "how's Lizzie" when I see her. Opposite to your DD tumble. She's been Beth since the day she was born, so I don't get it!

Btw, ywnbu, op.