Was I terribly rude?

[PsammeadPaintedTheLion]

Background - DD2 is 4 and a half. She has a full name, which we often call her by, and a nickname which is derived from that name, which we also often call her by. Say her name is Clarabelle (it's not) and we call her Clara as a nickname.

MIL and FIL, since she was born, call her by her nickname, but when referring to her full name, very often get it wrong. They'll say, for example 'Clarissa'. They do not do it maliciously, that's absolutely for sure. They see dd2 almost every day as we are neighbours. I always politely correct them. It's not happened for a while and I have been quietly referring to her by her full name in front of them, to get it into their heads.

However, today, DD2 was in a performance in our town, and afterwards, FIL introduced her to a friend of his, very proudly, as his 'granddaughter, Clarissa'. I firmly, but not angrily, said 'no, Clarabelle' and he said 'oh, it doesn't matter'. I strongly disagreed with him and said 'it does matter, it's her name, and it's been 4 and a half years now'. I said this very firmly although not aggressively. The poor woman who was being introduced looked horrified, and my MIL, who is lovely, rapidly changed the subject and tried to jolly us all along, which was probably good.

I chatted to him again after a minute in my normal way, I'm not normally so stern and I felt bad, but didn't bring it up again. Do I owe him an apology do you think? I asked dh and he just laughed weakly and would not be drawn. I am not scary, honest!

WIBU, considering he was trying to introduce us to someone and I made a bit of a scene?

He's had four and a half years to get it right. Her name is important and he should introduce her by her name! You were right and he will remember it now.

It's not a common name, but not difficult or tongue twistery either.

I have corrected them both in private very often, and usually very breezily. MIL has learnt it now. I corrected him nicely this time too, but his 'it doesn't matter' really irked me, especially as DD2 was right there, so proud of herself, and then her grandfather says her name is unimportant. Last year it would have gone over her head, but she's much more aware now, and quite sensitive to things like that.

DH says he'll probably never learn it. I may ask him to just stick to the nickname in future, if it happens again.

That poor woman! I hope she wasn't cringing too much.

Four years old and they don't know their own grandchild's name?

Unless they suffer from a medical condition that affects their memory, no YANBU.

Seriously, WTF? Who doesn't know their grandchild's name? It smacks of ignorance and selfishness, OP. I really don't have words of how they could be capable of not knowing her bloody name!

Why would you apologise? It should be him apologising for not knowing his own gd name after all that time!!

Well, for showing him up on from of his (very lovely seeming!) friend, I suppose.

In front*

I think it's far ruder to continually get someone's name wrong despite being repeatedly corrected than it is to correct them.

The fact that you snapped after 4 years is hardly surprising.

It's much worse than mispronouncing a name imo. I have a friend that always spells my name wrong (Think Gabby not Gabbie) I have been 'Gabbie' since I was a child. I can only assume she thinks it is pretentious or something It drives me round the sodding bend - it's just so belittling. If she was calling me Abbie I would definitely say something!

How on earth can they not remember her name?! Do they have problems with their memory? Do they regularly forget anyone else's name? I wonder if it's actually deliberate, because they don't like her name.

If they don't do it maliciously, then what is it?

They find it hard to pronounce?

You say he is proud of her so I guess the "it doesn't matter" was because he was embarrassed.

Maybe you weren't as tactful as you could have been, but I wouldn't apologise.

Why might he never learn it?

You were a bit rude, but frankly it seems polite corrections in private haven't worked.

Can I suggest you stop using the nickname for DD around PIL and always say her full name so it sinks in.

I think for him to say 'oh it doesn't matter' was rude and it was HE who shouldn't have said that in front of someone else, effectively dismissing you. Do not give it a second thought. He brought it on himself. If you apologise he will not make an effort to pronounce it correctly in the future.

have a easy name.more common in uk .but not so much here.
mom married a roman catholic when i was 9.
got sent to catholic school.the nun sister anastacia refused to call me by my given name.
when questioned she informed mum it was not a christian name.and would call me by the name my mom was avoiding
.oh hell my name is robin nun called me roberta.mom wanted to name me after father and gf.but didnt like the name roberta,after refusing to answer to it got hit with yardstick.went home mom saw marks and bruises,when she found out she went all momma tiger on the nun reported her to the police and took me out of that school.last thing i heard was"if i wanted to name her roberta her name would be roberta."
yes names matter and no you stood up for your daughter just like my mum did.rock on

My brother's name is Alex. My grandma always called him Ajax.

No apologising.

I bet your DD loves and adores her grandad and the he said that about her name! That's got to at least sting if not properly hurt. He should apologise.

It was perfectly polite to correct the name to his friend, nothing to apologise for there. And your comments after his stupid one were totally necessary. FIL caused the embarrassment not you. I'm feeling very firm on this.

After 4 and a half years they can't remember their granddaughters full name? Ridiculous!

I would be pissed off too OP.

I can sort of see how people may assume the nickname is short for the Wrong name. It's three syllables and she is called the second syllable as a nickname. That syllable is the start of a more common separate name, which which they are more familiar due to a niece having it as her name.

Say it was Alyssa and we called her 'Lyss' and they called her 'Lisbeth'.

It's bloody hard to think of examples!

Oh and you're not rude, your FIL was by stating "it didn't matter"

Start calling him by the wrong name and see how much it matters then.

No, not rude. As someone who frequently gets called a totally different name though similar, even a moment after introducing myself with my actual name, I think you needed to put your foot down.

any thoughts of apologising were evaporated as soon as He said..

'oh it doesn't matter'

kicks any apology into space...

it flippin DOES matter....

She was rude.

Are they doing it on purpose because they don't like the name? Some older generation are a bit funny about modern (or as my mum calls it; "made up names" ) so are using a more traditional version..?

Pulling FIL up on it? Well done you!
Doing it in public in front of his friend? Bit awkward

The RC girls' school I worked in bizarrely refused to call me by my married name (which got a bit awkward when I was obviously up the duff).

It's very rude not to call someone by their chosen name (or the one their parents chose for them, that they have not objected to yet). It's invariably a power thing.

And obviously memory often does deteriorate as people get older.

Your DD will be mightily irritated as she gets older and they keep calling her by the wrong name!

4 1/2 years? No, after that time it's Grandad who should be apologising. Surely they will now have no excuse for using the wrong name. Unless of course there's some hearing or cognitive problem - you'd have mentioned that though.