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To be annoyed and a little hurt by this flakey friend?

39 replies

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 15:16

Bit of backstory: up until a couple of months ago I was seeing this friend a couple of times a week, we are both SAHMs and have children of a similar age. She has always never been great at staying in touch and will often not reply to a message after instigating a conversation, which is fine if a little irratating. I get that people are busy/forget to write back but I always do eventually get in touch if it's me. She often says she has been too busy to text or get in touch even though I have seen she has had time to get in contact with other people and make plans that come to fruition, which sends me the message that we are quite low on her list of priorities.

Recently we arranged to meet for a playdate after not seeing each other for a good few weeks, she gave a date she was free and an activity she fancied doing and said she would message me to arrange. I made the mistake of telling my DD so obviously she was asking. The date came and went with no message. Then out of the blue a message from her a week or two after we were supposed to meet not acknowledging our previous plans, and yet again the conversation ended with the last message I sent.

I may BU but I find it so rude to end a conversation abruptly like that and even ruder to "forget" you have plans with somebody, never mind on more than one occasion. If she was just my friend I wouldn't have stuck around for as long as I have but my DD is attached to them and asked daily up until a few weeks ago. She has stopped asking now so WIBU to dump this friend? Feel a bit Blush about the amount of "don't worry about it"s I've sent in the past year or so when really it's quite hurtful and disappointing for my DD!

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CorbynsBumFlannel · 24/06/2017 16:47

I think if she has said she will message you to arrange it's safe to assume it's not yet arranged. Did you try to contact her about the playdate when it was getting near the date and you hadn't heard from her?
I have a few friends like this tbh. Lots of get togethers talked about but few actually come off. People have busy lives. Ywnbu to ditch her though if you're not enjoying the friendship anymore.

numbmum83 · 24/06/2017 16:52

I think I was friends with your friend too , until recently !
She would send 2 or 3 msgs then wouldn't even read my messages after that . I was always waiting for her to go offline . Then days later I would get a reply not even acknowledging my last msgs . A few times I gave her the same treatment and I got back " have i done something wrong , why ain't you replying to me or I've sent you a msg and you haven't replied .
Cheeky cow. I have known her 11 years and since she had 2 kids close together I rarely see her any more. We met up perhaps twice in the past year and yet she would arrange babysitters to go out with her other friends , she even put on fb the birth of her 2nd dc before telling me! I had supported her right thru the pregnancy and bought her moses basket .
She would cancel our plans on the morning and ask if we could meet next week , that would become 6 month's and in the end a few weeks ago I thought enough is enough

What am I getting from this friendship and I've deleted her from Facebook and I'm letting the friendship go . Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves , we don't need friends like this !

refred · 24/06/2017 16:54

I think donttouchthethings reply is a good one. It pulls her up on being flakey but leaves the door open.

Seeing each other twice a week is quite a lot week in week out. Presumably she has other friends/family she needs to keep in touch with too. Then there's all the domestic/admin/kids stuff that needs doing too. Plus sometimes it's nice to just hang out at home with the DC's.

May be life is just busy, rather than it being personal to you.

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 16:57

Some brilliant advice, thank you very much. I've been feeling bad about thinking like this but although she is young I don't want my DD to think it's ever okay to be second best.
Not me no Ginorchoc, she would make them or invite me along to things she was going to nine times out of ten. The last occasion I hadn't seen her for two months or so and I messaged her as DD was asking, she suggested the plan and a date and then seemingly "forgot" all about it. Then messaged a few weeks later as if those plans were never made!
PeaFace I'm the same! I would think that if it was me chasing for playdates but it's really not. I do enjoy her company and so does my DD so it's a shame but for me I don't want to be a filler friend or someone who isn't worth a text back.

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TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 17:03

I don't feel that it's personal, just to make it clear I don't think what she's doing is malicious but it's obviously upsetting to us both. The twice a week plus was often purely circumstantial (planned to be at the same
playgroup etc) and any additional playdates were mostly organised by her. I understand people are busy and have a life besides me but it's the sheer rudeness of instigating a meet-up or even a conversation and then not taking the 30 seconds or so even to let me know it's no longer convenient!

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cantlivewithoutcoffee · 24/06/2017 17:03

I have a friend like this - I stopped prioritising her. I don't ignore her as I want to rise above it - if she messages me, I will always reply. If she suggests to meet up, I will ask her to offer some dates; things usually come to a halt there, very rarely does it actually materialise but I don't end up disappointed as I no longer have expectations that we will meet. I would do this and not tell your daughter that you have even spoken to your friend, let it be a surprise if a catch up is actually happening

ALittleMop · 24/06/2017 17:10

She's basically breadcrumbing you
I don't think I would be free to meet up any time soon

snowflake25 · 24/06/2017 17:14

I have a few 'friends' like this too. It is hurtful when you are made to feel this way...really not on.. and horrible for your dd who is ready learning terrible things about friendship and being let down.

I found a few easy ways to deal with it eventually after much agonising -

  1. If you can dump then without any consequences then do, life is too short

  2. If you have to be 'friends' (I am straining to use that word) because they are part of your life that can't be changed (same school etc) then stay very polite and nice, but never arrange to see them out of that situation. Flippant lose replies and never commit.

    I think blocking and deleting is likely to cause problems you don't need. Better to be kind but distant.

    You deserve meaningful friends that value your time and friendship, decide which of your friends are there for you and you look forward to seeing/spending time with, and make them your number one. I often do a random spring clean and overhaul of friends and encourage my dc to be discerning too -
    We deserve not to be someone's plan B (or Z or whatever)
snowflake25 · 24/06/2017 17:14

correction ready should read already

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 24/06/2017 17:20

From the point of view of a "flaky" person, are you sure there is no underlying reason for her behaviour before you dimiss her as rude?

I am quite bad for this type of thing and I know I've lost friends because of it, but it was never a case of prioritising some people over others, or not valuing them enough to make the effort. I have no organisational ability whatsoever due to ADHD and I spend my life just chasing my own tail. Most of what I manage to attend is organised by other people, and whenever I do try to plan/book things, they rarely reach fruition.

I also leave messages unanswered, because I tell myself I'll come back and do it in 5 minutes then the next thing you know a few weeks have passed and I'm too ashamed to respond. But I do realise when I have let people down and am usually mortified about it. I spend so much of my time apologing to friends, but luckily the ones I have left know me well enough to forgive.

I'm not saying your friend will be in exactly the same position, but it might be worth finding out if she is coping with life before dumping her. My friends all thought I was on top of things, and had no clue how overwhelming I found everything until I finally got a diagnosis and was able to admit how difficult the simplest things can be.

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 17:37

She has always been this way and I've just let it slide up until now, as hurtful as it is. I didn't want to loose her as a friend but at the same time I really don't want to feel like this every time we have plans. It really does sting knowing she's capable of keeping arrangements with others regardless of what's going on in her life!

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I17neednumbers · 24/06/2017 18:32

"She's basically breadcrumbing you"

Excellent phrase - does it mean she's giving you crumbs from the table?

I agree with the advice of 'nice but distant' - straightforward falling out may cause problems if you regularly meet up with other people together. Fairyfellers post did make me stop and think - but you say that she is able to meet other people quite well, and that I think is always the telling sign! If your dd would like to see her dc just say, as a pp has said, to let you know when she's free, and then if you are free you can take the offer.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 24/06/2017 18:38

God, is she my friend who is exactly the same? She massively pursued the friendship, to the point of weirdness and when we became good mates, all was well but now she does what your friend does, so weird. She'll suggest stuff then never follow through. Suits me, really, being very anti-social!

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 18:51

Ginger that is literally identical to my situation. I'm really antisocial too and usually breathe a sigh of relief when people cancel, unfortunately my DD is the complete opposite and adores these people Wink

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