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To be annoyed and a little hurt by this flakey friend?

39 replies

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 15:16

Bit of backstory: up until a couple of months ago I was seeing this friend a couple of times a week, we are both SAHMs and have children of a similar age. She has always never been great at staying in touch and will often not reply to a message after instigating a conversation, which is fine if a little irratating. I get that people are busy/forget to write back but I always do eventually get in touch if it's me. She often says she has been too busy to text or get in touch even though I have seen she has had time to get in contact with other people and make plans that come to fruition, which sends me the message that we are quite low on her list of priorities.

Recently we arranged to meet for a playdate after not seeing each other for a good few weeks, she gave a date she was free and an activity she fancied doing and said she would message me to arrange. I made the mistake of telling my DD so obviously she was asking. The date came and went with no message. Then out of the blue a message from her a week or two after we were supposed to meet not acknowledging our previous plans, and yet again the conversation ended with the last message I sent.

I may BU but I find it so rude to end a conversation abruptly like that and even ruder to "forget" you have plans with somebody, never mind on more than one occasion. If she was just my friend I wouldn't have stuck around for as long as I have but my DD is attached to them and asked daily up until a few weeks ago. She has stopped asking now so WIBU to dump this friend? Feel a bit Blush about the amount of "don't worry about it"s I've sent in the past year or so when really it's quite hurtful and disappointing for my DD!

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 24/06/2017 15:19

Two choices:

a) talk to her about it, see if she can understand and act on it; or,
b) walk away and spend time on those who make you a priority in their lives.

celeryeater · 24/06/2017 15:21

Can't you just call her on it? Like the day before an arrangement send a message asking if you are still on for tomorrow. If she says no just reply oh I guess I will have to disappoint DD again. If she doesn't reply text her on the day saying I guess we aren't doing such and such today then... You might as well as a last chance before you ditch her. I hate flakey people - so rude!

expatinscotland · 24/06/2017 15:21

Walk away. Life is too short for people like this.

CarrieErbag · 24/06/2017 15:25

I'm in the walk away camp too.

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 15:31

I'm a bit of a wimp since I had DD Confused I find if I send her a message just before we're due to go out and I haven't heard from her she will quickly cancel, she will always message me a few days before if she is still up for it. I've never had a friend like that and to be honest I've found it really hurtful, as if my time isn't as valuable as hers or my life isn't as "busy" but I've kind of stayed in touch as like I said in my OP my DD loves them both. I know people are busy but a reply takes all of 30 seconds!

OP posts:
ShiftyLookingBadger · 24/06/2017 15:38

I'm sorry but I also think you need to drop them. It's draining doing all the chasing, don't stress yourself with those kinds of friendships.

Donttouchthethings · 24/06/2017 15:39

I have a friend a bit like this and I don't get it either.

I wonder if anyone has ever confronted someone like it and seen a happy change?

Cary2012 · 24/06/2017 15:46

The answer to this is in your opening post, you said you would have dumped her by now if it wasn't for your dd. Then you said your dd has stopped asking daily about seeing them. So, to me, this is a perfect opportunity to walk away. Why try and instigate something, and put them back in your dd's mind, only to get hurt again.

I would wait for her to contact you, and not respond, just ignore. Give her a little of what she's been giving you a lot of!

Life's too short for people like this.

TrustyPatches · 24/06/2017 15:50

Would you all just ignore any further contact? She's messaged me today after ignoring my previous message for a week or so and I'm not intending on replying. Already feeling a bit igronant so not sure how these people do it!

OP posts:
RandomWordsandaNumber5 · 24/06/2017 15:53

I have had similar friends and I have left it to them to make contact and arrangements. They haven't so I don't see them any more. I feel better for it to be fair. I don't have people in my life who don't value me, don't prioritise me and who make that very clear.

I17neednumbers · 24/06/2017 15:54

Sympathies op! I think that for the sake of our dc we do end up putting up with behaviour from people we would otherwise ditch without hesitation - if your dd enjoys the playdates it is difficult to give up totally on a flake.

The "I'm so busy but yet I seem to manage to find time to see other people ok" thing is highly wearisome, and if it were just you involved, that would be enough to give up I think. But as your dd likes her dc I would simply stop arranging things for 'in the future' but suggest she lets you know if her dc is ever free for a playdate on the day. And if you do ever arrange something 'in the future', don't tell your dd!

MrsMozart · 24/06/2017 15:54

You can do light replies, i.e. don't make plans to meet up.

expatinscotland · 24/06/2017 15:56

Yep, just ignore any further contact. You can block if you want, too.

Cary2012 · 24/06/2017 15:56

Yeah, I think I would, are you likely to bump into her? You could leave it a day or two then reply with something like, 'really busy at the minute, I'll be in touch when things settle a bit', then leave it, she should get the hint. Do that if you don't feel right just ignoring. But that is what she's done repeatedly to you.

I17neednumbers · 24/06/2017 15:58

"I don't have people in my life who don't value me, don't prioritise me and who make that very clear."

Random that is an excellent motto for life. And to pass on to dc as well, I think. So yes op if your dd is no longer bothered, this seems like one to put on the C list. I'd just reply non committally and not get into making any more arrangements.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 24/06/2017 15:59

Neednumbers has it right I think. Don't reply for a couple of days, tell her you are busy, and tell her to let you know if she ever wants to do a play date.

If you do organize anything special with her, do it as part of a group so that when she drops out, you can still go and have a nice time with the others.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/06/2017 16:10

Just walk away, like you said, you are low on her list of priorities, she is not a friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/06/2017 16:11

I would delete and block her so your not tempted to reply, life is too short for this crap.

Donttouchthethings · 24/06/2017 16:22

You could reply with,

"We'd love to see you but think it's probably best not to arrange another date in advance as dd gets so disappointed when you cancel. Do let me know if you're ever around and fancy a spontaneous meet-up though. Take care, "

PeaFaceMcgee · 24/06/2017 16:33

Some people find seeing the same friends a couple of times a week a bit much. Maybe she was trying to cool things off a bit, because less often works better for her.

I know I've felt a bit pressurised by anyone wanting to meet up more than once a month!

We're all different eh.

PeaFaceMcgee · 24/06/2017 16:35

But agree it's not reasonable for her to forget the plans you had made, or leave you hanging.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2017 16:38

My brother and his wife are exactly like it. We expected them to be a bit less flaky around children. We were wrong. Cue very disappointed dd. They both drink far too much and have shall I say very different ways of parenting their child if you could call it that...

Howdoichangethis · 24/06/2017 16:40

I have a friend like this too who I've stopped trying to make arrangements with as invariably she messages, suggests meeting up, I send some dates as a suggestion, she says she'll check her diary and get back to me and then never does. I still see her around and about as we have mutual friends and go to similar activities with our children. The best bit of advice I read on MN on this is to never prioritise someone for whom you are just an option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2017 16:40

I forgot to post. I also agree with the sentiment I don't have people in my life who don't value me, don't prioritise me a and who make that very clear.

Ginorchoc · 24/06/2017 16:46

Who used to make the arrangements twice a week was it yourself?

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