TRIGGERING Brother in Law sexually abused his daughter/my niece

[BILMustDie]

I posted this under teenagers but got no response so I thought I would try on here. It is not really AIBU but WWYD or if you have had a similar experience what DID you do?

NC for this one as it will out me and my family. I suppose I just want some support and someone who might have had similar experience to tell me it's going to be okay. VERY LONG STORY.

My DNiece has had problems for a while. She was a very sweet kid and then got to 11 or 12 and turned into a nightmare. Ran away from school a lot. At one point she was going to come and live with me (many 100s of miles away from her mum and dad) but at the last minute it didn't happen. She passed very few GCSEs, dropped out of 6th form college and has spent the last couple of years sleeping all day and on the internet all night. Hasn't applied for any jobs or courses. My DSis was at her wits end.

DN was referred to a specialist MH service and finally got an appointment as massive waiting list. There wasn't one in the town they live in so on Monday my DSis, DN and my Dad (there for moral support) all trekked off to London in about 30'C to see the specialist psychiatrist. My DSis and DN went into the appointment and after some conversation, my DN made a reference to sexual abuse. The psychiatrist (absolutely correctly) got my DSis to leave so she could talk to DN on her own.

Well since then the world has ended. The police and social services descended on the family my bastard evil son of a bitch BiL was arrested. He apparently sexually abused my DN from aged 11 to 19. They nearly took my DSis younger teenage son into care but it seems they will leave him with my DSis (for the moment).

They have charged my bastard BiL with rape and he has pleaded guilty and was in court today. I don't think for one second he pleaded guilty to give my DN a break, I think he has done it because there is evidence and he thinks this will be a way to get a shorter sentence.

They have said that my DSis (who was only 20 when she met him) was also groomed by bastard BiL to not notice what was happening and that DSis is also a victim of him. My DSis needs to file for divorce and get herself sorted but as he was the breadwinner and she was a housewife, there are massive amounts of debt, and no way to be repaid.

My DSis is in a terrible way mentally. They were together for 22 years (minus 2 times when they separated) but had been 'happily' married for the last 10 years. She is in shock and I don't think she could hold down a job at the moment anyway.

My DN is 'not thinking about it'. She referred to the bastard as 'that trash' and I think that's putting it mildly. She seems considerably more talkative and animated than usual (not surprising I suppose!)

My younger DNephew survived 1.5 hours of being interviewed by police and child protection team and is being very stoic and saying he's fine.

I am feeling a massive amount of guilt about my DN being cast as the trouble maker for so many years. She has been through hell and we all blamed her. I have no idea if she will ever be able to lead a 'normal' life (study, get a job, have a relationship, etc)

I have spoken to a friend who worked in child's services and to another person who works for social services. They have given all sorts of good advice:
get legally estranged from him as soon as possible,
talk to CAB about getting debt management (£1 a week repayment type things),
talk to Welfare Rights about any benefit entitlement
get sick note from GP
get locks changed
get a restraining order in case he is released on bail (I don't know how likely he is to be released on bail)
Any other suggestions?

The bastard BiL was already under investigation by the police for downloading indecent images of 16-17 year old girls so I am really hoping they throw the book at him and he is locked away for life. If I ever see him again I want to stab him with rusty scissors and then shove a red hot poker in his arse.

Please, is there anyone who has been through this sort of thing, or had family or friends who have? Is it going to be okay? Please be gentle!

I have no advice but just wanted to say it's horrid for you too. Don't beat yourself up if it was easy to spot these scum they'd be all locked up.
Your sis needs good legal advice so they can move on in the least disruptive way possible.

OP she never felt she could tell you because that is what abusers tell children. It is not her fault, your fault, anyone's fault other than the piece of scum that is now in custody.

Just remain to be there for her, and your DSis, and yy to suddesting DSis contacts Women's Aid for support, and her GP too.

A friend of a friend in a similar situation found the NSPCC very supportive, though the girl in question was only six, so not sure whether they help adults abused as children.

If your sister needs help with debts then Christians against poverty can help. They work out repayments and contact those she owes money to. They can also advise on suitable benefits.
Im sorry your family is going through this.

So sorry. How dreadful.

If i can give you any advice I would say sit down and write a letter to your niece. Tell her how much you admire her courage in speaking up and that you have her back. Say how proud you are of how she's survived something so scary and how sorry you are that no one realised that she was in so much danger. I went through something very traumatic in my teens. If anyone in my family had ever taken the time to write me a similar letter it would have meant the world. Sometimes you need things written down, even if you already talk to her. It's so easy in this scenario to feel all sorts and not communicate it for fear of stirring things up or making things awkward

I'm a therapist for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

I just want you to know she can live a good life after this. Keep believing in her.

And just keep loving her as you've always done. He's the only person to blame for all of this.

This is why I cringe when I see people on MN work themselves up into a frenzy about teenagers and how they would punish them whenever an obviously troubled child is posted about.

I suspect that many of these children are abused but people only care about their status as "mothers", they don't actually care about children.

Thank you so much for all your support. I will reply individually soon. I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words

OP, as a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I have to say your poor DN will never ever get over this. There's just no escaping that fact. It will effect how she is as a person forever. All that can be done now is for that monster to get sent to prison for a very long time and for your DN to get all the emotional family support and professional help she can. My abuser was my father and even though I went to the police in my late teens (I too started acting up in my middle teens) he got away with it as there wasn't enough evidence, apparently. My family took his side and none of them believed me. My mum was the only one who did... As much as it broke her heart. I have no contact with him or the rest of the family.

I suffer from OCD, anxiety and depression. I was disagnosed with depression aged 14. I've attempted suicide a few times over the years (teens and early 20s). I'm now in my 30s and a mum to little boys who I'm fiercely protective over but in a much better place. Yes I suffer from mental illness still but I've accepted my abuse in a way. It's made me incredibly strong tbh. I won't take crap off anyone. Hopefully in time your DN will come out the other end too and heal (as much as is possible) and live a normal life. I'm so desperately sorry your DN has gone through this but thank you for believing her.

MOSAC are great. And extremely knowledgeable.

They've held me up when I've been completely overwhelmed. They've given insight and comfort. They've given great legal process advice too.

Your sister needs help and support, it will be traumatic for her and she'll be in a very bad place, right when her daughter needs her most. It's horribly, unfairly, terribly awful. And she'll need all the support going.

Your sister and her DD's relationship may well come under a lot of pressure as the truth slowly comes out. Both will feel a huge range of emotions and some of them won't be 'nice'. Raw pain, guilt and anger aren't nice, but it's better to acknowledge them than to try and bury them.

It's super important that your niece is believed & supported, so it sounds like you've got the basics right so far, which will form the future for you all.

Maybe it would be best for your DSis to sell the house. If that is where the abuse happened then it might have bad memories for your DNiece. Also your DSis could clear her debts.

A new start.

... and buy a house closer to you.

You need to think about your nephew too. He must be feeling terribly confused and conflicted

I am a specialist family lawyer. Please feel free to pm me and I will help in any way I can.

Thank you all. I appreciate everything and all the offers. I will definitely get back to people who have offered help. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you very much for all your lovely comments and support.

Things have been terribly hard and we are all struggling. I keep bursting into tears and am very depressed. I was able to visit my DSis and family (they live 100s of miles away) for two nights but it was really difficult as we were all on edge and wound each other up.

BIL appeared in Court and pleaded guilty to 20 charges (my DSis thinks approx 17-18 were for what he did to my DNiece and 2 or 3 were related to downloading child porn).

This meant DNiece and DSis didn't have to give evidence, thank goodness.

His solicitor told my DSis that he should get a sentence of around 20 years but she has asked for a pre-sentencing report and said to me that this was a first offence. [I said under my breath, 'First time he was caught!' ]

When we were sorting paperwork at my DSis's house, looking for her marriage certificate amongst other things so she can file for divorce, I found a letter about DBS check which mentioned a Police Caution BIL received in the mid 1990s for showing porn to 11-13 year old girls! He admitted he had done it because he was sexually attracted to them.

Why on earth didn't he destroy this letter?!?

For some reason the local police (who have been absolutely lovely and really supportive to the family) didn't know about this Caution, so I took great pleasure in sending the police and BIL's solicitor a scan of the letter. Hopefully it will show that he has committed a sexual crime before and if it adds one more day to his sentence I will think it worth while.

I suppose the 20 years sentence will probably mean 10 years and then out on parole. BIL is lazy and easy going by temperament, and I think he is likely to keep his head down inside, do what he's told and be a model prisoner. He has already been told that as he is educated(!) he will be a classroom assistant in the prison. This really doesn't sound like much of a punishment to me. I want him to suffer, like he has made the people I love suffer.

My DNephew has had a counselling session but is a typical young teenager and doesn't talk about his feelings. I have no idea how he will cope longer term. He will be doing GCSEs soon. We are scared the newspaper will report BIL's name and DNephew will be bullied at school.

My DSis really needs more counselling, but the specialist counselling service for partners/families of people who commit sexual crimes charges £80 a session for counselling and we really don't have this kind of money. Hopefully one of the local mental health charities will be able to help her and only charge £40 a session.

My DNiece was helped to apply for benefit as she is in no state to look for work. She told the benefit assessor she is thinking of just stopping eating until she dies I really really hope she can meet the right kind of counsellor she can have a rapport with and get some support to start finally living her life. My counsellor recommended DNiece has EMDR (Trauma Therapy) but it is incredibly expensive. www.emdrhap.org/content/what-is-emdr/ My counsellor said there may be some kind of victim's compensation scheme where she could get the money to pay for EMDR. As soon as the sentencing is done, we need to look into this. If anyone knows about this compensation scheme, please can you let me know?

I will come back on when BIL has been sentenced.
Thank you again.

Hi OP, I've had EMDR mine was free on NHS - have you checked what's available in her area? I see upthread someone linked to the Survivors Trust and I think a call to them might point you in the right direction to see if you can get financial support for DN for counselling.

Do you think DSis will be able to or want to sell the house and move nearer to you? You are all being amazingly brave, most of us will never even have to think about this sort of thing let alone live through it.

I read about this charity recently, it's based in NE England which is probably nowhere near your niece, but someone there might be able to point to an equivalent local to her. It's a charity to support abuse survivors and their supporters: www.someonecares.org.uk/

I wish you all that time heals your wounds and those terrible memories are at some point relegated to the drawer of "the past"

What an awful situation OP. A word of advice, get this moved to 30 days only so it disappears after a month. There's a lot of identifying details in the thread so to protect your family's privacy it might be best for it to disappear after a while.

OP
This is the compensation fund. It's a government fund not s charity. DH claimed when he was assaulted, it was a bit long winded but he did get some compensation.
It covers physical and mental trauma.

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/criminal-injuries-compensation-authority

Thank you very much. My DSis was in court for the sentencing. She said

"In court they went into lots of detail about how, where and when the child sexual abuse took place. It was very hard to listen to the details. XXX (B-I-L) got sentenced to 20 years. However not all of this will need to be spent in prison. Towards the end, for example, the last 6 years, he will be out on licence. This is similar to being on bail, so he will be watched carefully and if he commits any other crimes during this period he would go straight back to prison. He will be placed on the sex offenders register.

In court, he turned right around to look at me but I was so upset, I couldn't bear to make eye contact and looked away. I did read an impact statement out in court, that I had dictated to the police officer, last month. My voice was shaking as I spoke and it was hard to read the photocopy of her handwriting."

Apparently the minimum he will spend in prison is 9 years. That will give us some chance to heal. We will definitely look into the organisations you have suggested.

Thank you very much. I will change my username now and won't comment on this again. I really appreciate all your advice.

OP child abusers are not thought of kindly in prison. Many prisoners have children themselves. If nothing else I'd have thought he will spend the entire time looking over his shoulder. As well he should.

I'd like to add that a friend of mine also had EMDR on the NHS. Not for this but for a form of ptsd. So it is possible.