TRIGGERING Brother in Law sexually abused his daughter/my niece

[BILMustDie]

I posted this under teenagers but got no response so I thought I would try on here. It is not really AIBU but WWYD or if you have had a similar experience what DID you do?

NC for this one as it will out me and my family. I suppose I just want some support and someone who might have had similar experience to tell me it's going to be okay. VERY LONG STORY.

My DNiece has had problems for a while. She was a very sweet kid and then got to 11 or 12 and turned into a nightmare. Ran away from school a lot. At one point she was going to come and live with me (many 100s of miles away from her mum and dad) but at the last minute it didn't happen. She passed very few GCSEs, dropped out of 6th form college and has spent the last couple of years sleeping all day and on the internet all night. Hasn't applied for any jobs or courses. My DSis was at her wits end.

DN was referred to a specialist MH service and finally got an appointment as massive waiting list. There wasn't one in the town they live in so on Monday my DSis, DN and my Dad (there for moral support) all trekked off to London in about 30'C to see the specialist psychiatrist. My DSis and DN went into the appointment and after some conversation, my DN made a reference to sexual abuse. The psychiatrist (absolutely correctly) got my DSis to leave so she could talk to DN on her own.

Well since then the world has ended. The police and social services descended on the family my bastard evil son of a bitch BiL was arrested. He apparently sexually abused my DN from aged 11 to 19. They nearly took my DSis younger teenage son into care but it seems they will leave him with my DSis (for the moment).

They have charged my bastard BiL with rape and he has pleaded guilty and was in court today. I don't think for one second he pleaded guilty to give my DN a break, I think he has done it because there is evidence and he thinks this will be a way to get a shorter sentence.

They have said that my DSis (who was only 20 when she met him) was also groomed by bastard BiL to not notice what was happening and that DSis is also a victim of him. My DSis needs to file for divorce and get herself sorted but as he was the breadwinner and she was a housewife, there are massive amounts of debt, and no way to be repaid.

My DSis is in a terrible way mentally. They were together for 22 years (minus 2 times when they separated) but had been 'happily' married for the last 10 years. She is in shock and I don't think she could hold down a job at the moment anyway.

My DN is 'not thinking about it'. She referred to the bastard as 'that trash' and I think that's putting it mildly. She seems considerably more talkative and animated than usual (not surprising I suppose!)

My younger DNephew survived 1.5 hours of being interviewed by police and child protection team and is being very stoic and saying he's fine.

I am feeling a massive amount of guilt about my DN being cast as the trouble maker for so many years. She has been through hell and we all blamed her. I have no idea if she will ever be able to lead a 'normal' life (study, get a job, have a relationship, etc)

I have spoken to a friend who worked in child's services and to another person who works for social services. They have given all sorts of good advice:
get legally estranged from him as soon as possible,
talk to CAB about getting debt management (£1 a week repayment type things),
talk to Welfare Rights about any benefit entitlement
get sick note from GP
get locks changed
get a restraining order in case he is released on bail (I don't know how likely he is to be released on bail)
Any other suggestions?

The bastard BiL was already under investigation by the police for downloading indecent images of 16-17 year old girls so I am really hoping they throw the book at him and he is locked away for life. If I ever see him again I want to stab him with rusty scissors and then shove a red hot poker in his arse.

Please, is there anyone who has been through this sort of thing, or had family or friends who have? Is it going to be okay? Please be gentle!

Thank God she told someone . Just be there for each other . I'm so sorry you've experienced this

Hello Op. I read your other post last night and im sorry no one responded. I dont have any advice but very sorry for what youve all been through.

How devastating
I don't really have much practical advice to give but I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along soon.

In terms of divorce, your DSis being the sole caregiver for her children which enabled him to even have a career, should not be forced to move. I would see a good family law solicitor ASAP to discuss where she stands legally. If he had any soul at all (doubtful) he'd walk away from the house and take the debt with him.
What a disgusting, disgraceful bastard he is.

A close friend of mine was groomed by her DM's husband as a teenager (she won't call him her Stepdaughter), and she said once she began to speak about it she went through so many emotions, including guilt when he was caught, and then shame at the fact that she felt guilty, and then angry that her Mum didn't notice. This was 20 years ago now, and she is married with children of her own. It will take lots of time and reassurance, but with the right help and continued support, your DNiece will come through this terrible ordeal.

*Stepdaughter should say stepfather.

I don't have any experience of this but didn't want to leave you hanging.

What I would say is that it can only help your DN's recovery that it's all out in the open, that she has been heard and believed, not blamed, and that the perpetrator is being dealt with by the law. Plus you sound like a supportive family so hopefully you'll all rally round and get through it together. Sorry that sounds a bit glib - I barely know what to say but my heart goes out to your DN and all of you.

Absolutely awful, I have no words heart goes out to you and your family to pull through this tragic time

I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager too (also by a parent)
nothing I can add as it seems you're doing the right things here, but I'd also get your Dsis to call women's aid for support and consider seeing a gp for counselling.

I have some experience of this, but it'll be vague, and I'll be gentle. Kids are so resilient, and yes it took years but she found the courage to speak up, and was immediately believed - those are important things for her recovery. So many kids can't and aren't.
Long term psych care for the whole family (excluding BBIL of course - he can rot in a cell imho) and building up relationships again will be key. I can say whether they'll all be ok, but I can say I've seen people come out the other side of this - it takes work and time, but your Sis is doing all the right things.
How are you op? It's a big deal to be a supporter - make sure you're looking after yourself too xx

Goodness me. Your poor DN. I am so glad she felt able to talk about it eventually, what she must have been though is incomprehensible.

I'm sorry you are all having to go through this. Do you have children yourself?

can't say whether ...

What a awful awful thing to happen. The only bit of practical advice I can offer is there should be no need for a restraining order as if he is bailed there should be conditions that he isn't allowed to contact you neice or go anywhere near her. He may not even be allowed in the area. The police will be able to advise on this

I'm so sorry to hear all of that - must have been a massive shock. As for suggestions - I don't know if everyone can access ongoing counselling and support - but I would imagine this will be needed for a great deal of time.

I would have thought bail was unlikely given that he has pled guilty to a crime that will result in a custodial sentence.

I don't think anyone can tell you how this will turn out yet. However, it does help that your DN has been believed and vindicated by the guilty plea.

One thing I would suggest is that you take your DN's lead on how much she wants to talk about it and how low key the response is. I understand your DSis is in shock but she may need to keep a very neutral demeanour around your DN. Your DN may need time to process what has happened to her and that it's over and everyone reacting in crisis mode (understandable though it is) might not be what she wants.

well done for dn speaking out and at least she's been believed, terrible time for all of you.

Your DN is amazingly brave for telling the psychiatrist, especially in front of her mum. Your resilience as a family is clear.
The only way is up from here.

As someone who has lived through that kind of thing, the best thing you can do is support her. This will take a long time to work through, she might never really get over it. But having people believe her will be key. Just support her, it's all you can do. Maybe you could have her for a break at yours? Do some bonding stuff. Don't talk about the crap going down, just let her relax? Feel free to message me if you would like to talk. I don't like to say too much on threads!

I'm so very sorry....you sound like a fabulous sister and aunt and your love and support will help them all tremendously....sending love and thoughts to you all x

I'm so sorry, OP. The nearest thing to this I have experienced is a relative whose dh got sent out for child porn charges (a significant term, he didn't just download a few images but was part of a network of supply of v serious images). Clearly a different situation, and not as directly horrific as your sister's, but it was a horrendous time for her.

One thing that happened was that she lost a lot of friends - people who either couldn't believe that she didn't know, or just felt uncomfortable being around her. He was featured on the front page of the DM, so her privacy was also completely exploded. So it will be really important for your sister and DN (and nephew) that they find who will support them and distance fast from people who will be negative.

My relative has moved on and is doing well now, but she needed LOTS of time, and lots of support, and lots of people accepting her need to be angry.

Best of luck.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound like you're doing all you can and your dad will also be helping. Just be ears for them all so they know you care

Sending my best wishes to you all.
Just be there for your sister and her children. Don't blame yourself and do not allow your sister to blame herself for not knowing. Abusers are sly, clever and the only ones to blame, hopefully he will be locked away for a very long time.

Yes your niece will be able to live a normal life, she will need a lot of support to process what's happened to her but it sounds like she has that in her family so she will be ok, in the end. Your sister can contact MOSAC for help and support for herself as well. for all of you, it's such a horrible, horrible thing

I should have posted the link to mosac website - here it is (can't remember how to format on mobile, sorry!) www.mosac.org.uk/

Thank you for what you have said so far.

Not to drip feed but luckily the house is only in my DSister's name. We both inherited some money in the 1990s when house prices were still ridiculously cheap (i.e. well under £50k). I bought mine straight away and then my Dparents and I also put in some of our money to buy my DSis's (slightly bigger) family home, so it is hers and not his. My late DM (she died in 2015) was a social worker and must have had some kind of instinct about the BBiL because she always insisted that my DSis' house was in our names and wouldn't let his name get on the deeds. My DSis was annoyed at the time but she is incredibly glad now.

I have no idea if BBiL would have any entitlement over the part of the house that belonged to her. But I don't know what rights he would have anyway if he is likely to end up in prison. Is there anyone who is legally qualified who would be likely to know please? BBiL doesn't have any money either if he's not working so he won't be able to afford anything other than legal aid

LogicalPsycho I am so sorry for your friend. I hope she is coping now and has supportive relationships.

Cocklodger Wow I am so sorry. I hope this isn't too triggering for you and you are as well as possible.

vikingprincess81 I am so sorry you had a similar situation. No I'm not really coping. I rang the Samaritans for half an hour and also spoke to the Crisis Team (I have ongoing MH problems which doesn't help) I keep crying and then I think about the fact that he has pleaded guilty so at least DN won't have to testify in court. She has had so many MH issues over the years I don't know if she would be believed by a jury so I am so glad he admitted it.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth I was infertile so don't have any kids of my own but I accumulate many auntie type relationship with my friends' kids. My BBF lives a mile away and I am always round at hers and love taking her kids swimming, to the park, for ice cream, reading stories, watching movies, etc. In fact yesterday I needed a cuddle so I went over there and the 3 kids all hugged me, and the middle one sat on my lap for ages and demanded stories. I love them so much.

I was always very close to my DSis' kids even though they live so far away. They came to stay in school holidays and always knew where I was when they needed to talk. I am horrified that my DN never felt she could say anything to me or my late DM/her GM. If DN had said something about what BBiL had been doing to her when there was the possibility that she could come and live with me, I would never have let him take her back and would have talked to the police myself.

Thank you everyone

I don't want to talk about personal experiences but do want to give one crucial piece of advice.

Your DN will need ongoing help and given that she had so many choices taken from her it's essential she knows she has a choice in therapist.

It can happen that the first (or more) therapist you meet won't be the right 'fit' and it's so important when you have ongoing work to do that you have a good working relationship.

So no other advice from me other than to let her know she can ask for another therapist if she needs to. Finding the right one to help her find her way through this stage and beyond is really important ime.

What an awful situation for all of you. Is your niece getting the support she needs from the mental health services? And has your sister been offered counselling?

I have added a list of services that might help, I haven't tried them and not affiliated in anyway, but they might be worth a look.

For your sister and you:

www.safeline.org.uk/what-can-friends-and-family-members-do-to-support-survivors-of-sexual-abuse/

www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/resources-for-parents-of-survivors

www.mosac.org.uk/

For your niece:

thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/
www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php#adult

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/

Financial:

www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support/what-you-can-do/compensation/hardship-fund

Remember that all three of you need support and time to heal and that guilt is normal, even though it is unwarranted. You are doing the right thing talking about practical steps and it sounds like you are the right person to help both your niece and sister with all the admin and level-headed things that are needed right now. Just make sure someone is there for you too! Good luck and be positive, your niece sounds like real survivor.