To think school has let down ds?

[onlyforthisthread]

I am really struggling tonight with being a single parent with no real support network around me and I just want some reassurance I am doing the right thing by my ds.

He is in Y5 and has always done really well in school – up until this September I only ever heard positive things about him, both in terms of behaviour and achievement. His teacher this year seems a lot stricter and has pulled him up on sloppy mistakes, which I thought was a good thing as I always got the impression he was breezing through with some things coming too easily to him. I had sometimes thought some of the teachers were a bit too soft on him: ‘he’s so clever/lovely…’ was all I ever heard. There were errors in his work I noticed, but as they were never commented on I thought maybe I was being too hard on him (secondary school teacher).

Now it seems he is no longer the golden boy – in many ways a very good thing I think. However, he seems to have noticed a change of attitude towards him and is upset by it. He didn’t get a part in the school play (seems there wasn’t a straightforward audition process) and keeps saying, quite bitterly, that ‘they’ have picked their favourites and he keeps saying he is not liked by teachers and certain pupils are and ‘they’ keep on about organisation and nothing is good enough etc etc

I have just spent nearly an hour instead of a bedtime story trying to put things into perspective for him and letting him know teachers sometimes have a rant and he should let it wash over him if it doesn’t apply to him and take it on board if it does. He is a bit disorganised and they are trying to get him ready for sec school.

I feel I want to go in and see the teacher, but I don’t know if I’m justified. I feel she should know he is struggling a bit at the moment and taking things to heart a bit more than she perhaps intends. But maybe that is my problem and not the teacher’s His dad I split up nearly 3 years ago (school aware) but things have come to a head in some ways more recently and I feel that may be affecting ds too, especially in terms of organisation – it’s not ds’s fault he lives between two houses.

I know the play thing is a moot point – but it shouldn’t cause so much unhappiness should it? It does seem there has been an unfair process for assigning roles and I would at least like them to reconsider the procedures for next year.

I am annoyed that he seems to be aware that he has gone from being a high flyer to a disappointment. The teacher even admitted to me that she was disappointed with him after expecting so much more from him based on his reputation, yet he ended Y4 above ++ on everything with no causes for concern at all – within months he was a let down. In March she was more positive, with many issues apparently 'sorted' but he seems to be struggling with being seen in a different way from how he was in the past.

I am sorry this is so long. I have no one in rl to discuss it all with and I don’t want to let him down. He is so lovely and so sad tonight, but this could be my fault and nothing really to do with school. I don’t want to be ‘that parent’…

How can a child go from a high flyer to a disappointment in months?

Clearly previous teacher, or current teacher, isn't doing their job properly. Demand a meeting to get the full story. Such a huge change seemingly overnight should send alarm bells ringing.

He knows the teacher doesn't like him. I'd feel shit too.

YANBU, arrange a meeting with his teacher

I really don't know the best answer. To me, I'd keep trying to bolster DS at home and work on organisational skills with him. Put systems in place to help him organise himself with a bit of prompting and if possible, get his dad/other household to do the same the other end.
If you do speak to school, I'd keep it informal, like a 'how's he doing now? He's been a bit teary at home lately.'
My perspective may be a bit skewed though as my kids aren't NT, so I'm sure someone else will be along better qualified to advise.
My eldest is terribly disorganised as he has dyspraxia among other things. I have laminated checklists on the back of the front door at home and at grandma's where he spends several nights a week.
Homework timetable on the fridge.
Box files on the kitchen shelf for books.
Routines for homework.
That kind of thing. I'm sure if DS feels more in control he'll feel less stressed. Sadly being organised is essential for learning and in high school, there's a lot more to keep on top of.

Yes, if he is unhappy, both parents ideally need to be communicating with each other and the school about it. Go in positive - you have noticed a dip in his self-belief, are there things they could do to help bolster that. And you say things in his home life may well have affected him, perhaps tipping over into less lovely behaviour at school, so his support at home from everyone around him is important.

At this age my DS was utterly fed up with teachers saying 'when you're at high school you'll have to x / y / z' because he wasn't at high school and felt he was getting moaned at in advance with no chance of proving the teacher wrong.

I would email the school and explain how miserable he is. He needs a bit of well timed TLC from them.

You sound like you are a lovely parent, I know it's hard being a lone parent but can imagine your ex is an ex for a good reason so try and be kind to yourself too.

Just a month to go before term ends and next term he will hopefully have a different teacher whom he will not "disappoint." Keep on with bolstering his self esteem and reiterate that he will not always see eye to eye with all his high school teachers either. This teacher perhaps needs reminding that the combination of carrot and stick works better than all carrot or in their case, all stick.

You do sound lovely. Is it just you and DS at home?
Definitely be kind to yourself. It's bloody hard work co-parenting with an ex. You sound like you are doing a good job though.

I also think you should talk to the teacher, if nothing else you'll get a feel for the teacher's style and how strict or rigid they are, or if you son is possibly being a bit sensitive due to home difficulties, which it would be worthwhile reminding the teacher about. I had a really nasty teacher at that age and it was horrible, my mother had a very polite word and while the teacher remained a horrible bitch she didn't target me quite as much, I felt supported and it made a difference to me. Good luck, whatever you decide

Speaking as a secondary teacher , organisation is a really important part of preparation for exam subjects. I have a number of students who live between 2 homes and they need extra support to make sure that they are organised and have the right equipment / books etc on the right day. I think you need to work with your ex to ensure your DS is well prepared for school and then any other issues should be discussed with school.

I'm sorry things seem hard for you and your DS, Only

Here's some thoughts, and hope they're helpful....

I'm not a teacher, but I work in primary schools, and There were errors in his work I noticed, but as they were never commented on I thought maybe I was being too hard on him Primaries don't necessarily correct all the mistakes. For example, if a child is showing an understanding of phonics but making spelling mistakes, schools don't down-mark it, because the child is demonstrating an understanding. (eg, spelling "cake" as "kake" and that not being corrected isn't important, because the child is using the sounds correctly)

Now it seems he is no longer the golden boy – in many ways a very good thing I think. although, you seem quite upset by this.....
(not saying it's good or bad, just pointing it out!)

He didn’t get a part in the school play (seems there wasn’t a straightforward audition process) there have been a gazillion threads about this on here. Sometimes it's about giving the part to the kid with the loud, clear voice. Sometimes it's about NOT giving a part to a kid with high absenteeism. Sometimes it's about knowing another child is having a rotten time and wanting to give them a boost.

and keeps saying, quite bitterly, that ‘they’ have picked their favourites and he keeps saying he is not liked by teachers and certain pupils are and ‘they’ keep on about organisation and nothing is good enough etc etc but as a teacher, you know that this doesn't actually happen, does it! I work in 3 schools and parents think this is going on and it really, really isn't. But there's stuff usually going on behind the scenes which parents don't know about.

Absolutely go and see the teacher and discuss. You're not necessarily being U. But be open to what they want to tell you.

I'm really sorry that things are tough right now.

Can I very gently suggest a lot of his attitude change (and maybe yours) sounds like jealousy and envy at no longer being 'the golden boy' and getting the star role in the play?
(12 years experience working in schools).

YABU.

I promise you, teachers aren't doing anything to make life difficult or disappointing for your son. They are doing everything they can to help him succeed. If he used to feel like the golden boy and now he doesn't, that may be the school correcting an imbalance. But also, that's life. You say that he's struggling with organisation. Well, if I were teaching a kid struggling with that, I wouldn't add to it by giving him extra stuff to do such as a part in the school play.

It sounds to me like you and your son both need a heavy dose of realism.

I think everyone needs to accept that they will have teachers they get on well with, and others they don't click with as much. Also that they can't always get the part/role/position/place on the team they want.

Hopefully he'll have a teacher he gets on better with next year. In the meantime he's hopefully learnt a valuable lesson in self motivation when the going gets tough. (Ds2 has gone from having a teacher who cheered his every effort to one who demanded more, was more critical and who rarely praises this year. On balance its done him good - although he's ready for a change.

Also, 'it shouldn't cause such unhappiness, should it?'

Well, no. But that's not the school's fault, is it?

That sounds hard. I think you wnbu to see the teacher as long as you would be open to hearing her side and wouldn't be accusing her. I doubt very much it's exactly like he tells it, but you may feel better if you hear her side.

Good luck.

I don't see how this is a school letting him down, he has done well, now he is doing less well, he needs to develop resilience, as does everybody.

Thank you for the replies.

Seems I may be U. Maybe saying they have let him down is a bit ott, and in all honesty perhaps he/we do find it a bit tough that he seems to have fallen from grace. I used to get genuinely annoyed that there were never any targets for him and didn't think it great that he was labelled as 'clever' with nothing really being done about it. I do think it is letting him down that the Y4 teacher picked up on nothing, but obviously that's not his current teacher's fault. Maybe the h/t should be spoken to, but I guess that would be massively U?

If the reason he has no part in the play is lack of organisation I will feel horribly guilty. It has never been flagged up as a problem to me, and a bit like the errors he used to make, I wasn't sure what to expect from him. He always has a pe kit & book bag, practises spellings, reads a few times a week, has his instrument on the right day except one occasion in the whole 4 years he's done it. They hardly ever get homework but I'm pretty sure the ones he has had have been in on time. One awful occasion was when there was a non uniform day and they had to bring in a raffle prize instead of a £1. Parents hadn't been informed except for an obscure reference on the website I found afterwards. He obviously would have been told but insisted the instructions hadn't been clear or that he had been at music lesson. I told him then to listen more carefully, but he was very upset at the whole thing. I have never got the impression he doesn't listen at any other time and he says about 1/3 of the class made the same mistake. There was a BIG telling off.

He absolutely needs to learn resilience and be better organised, but he's had plenty of realism, as have I.

Still torn. I also have a younger dd who has some of this to come I suppose.

I'm sorry to hear that your son is feeling demoralised.

It's commonplace for dcs to feeling jealous at other kids getting parts in plays, and for them to complain that the favourites always get the parts.

It sounds like DC is struggling not being a favourite this year. I agree with the poster who said that possibly a previous teacher has let him down by letting him coast, and this teacher is trying to make him work a little harder.

With all due respect, why have you left it until now to consider going to the teacher. There's only a few weeks left of ermine. If he was struggling, then something should have been siad sooner. I presume he will get a new teacher next year. Can you ride it out until then, with lots of encouragement, fun things at home. Etc?

Unless there is a part in the school play for every pupil in his class, there are going to be lots of disappointed pupils, and your DCs feelings at not getting a part is neither more or less important than the feelings of others. It kind of sounds like he is being a bit self entitled and feels he should be given a part, which suggests he is used to being over indulged?

Many mumsnetters complain that the same children get parts in plays every year. It sounds like your son has always had parts - but presumably this year some different children have been given them. Which is probably fair.

If there are problems you could go and have a chat with the teacher (I'd go in with a 'how can we help ds to get on track for year 6' approach).

Or you could just think he's only got a month left to go - i.e. 20 school days, of which some will be things like sports day/end of year parties, etc.

I always say to my children that sometimes you get Miss Honey and sometimes you get Miss Truncheable. You have to be able to get on as best you can with the teacher you're given.

Sometimes a child has a reputation as a 'star' and when you inherit that class, you realise that their previous teachers have either mollycoddled them or played favourites.

e.g. there's a child in my class who perpetually popped up at my elbow to tell me he was just going to help Ben because he was finished. The last teacher encouraged this... However, this child regards me as Miss Trunchbull because I would then to tell him to sit down and check the work that he's rushed through and made silly errors in. It's taken all year for him to snap out of the 'first to finish' mindset.

Talk to school but as a concerned parent sharing details about your home life. Say that you have noticed...... You feel he is struggling. Ask how you can work with school to help him.
You must be prepared to look at your home life too. This isn't just about school.