To think school has let down ds?

[onlyforthisthread]

I am really struggling tonight with being a single parent with no real support network around me and I just want some reassurance I am doing the right thing by my ds.

He is in Y5 and has always done really well in school – up until this September I only ever heard positive things about him, both in terms of behaviour and achievement. His teacher this year seems a lot stricter and has pulled him up on sloppy mistakes, which I thought was a good thing as I always got the impression he was breezing through with some things coming too easily to him. I had sometimes thought some of the teachers were a bit too soft on him: ‘he’s so clever/lovely…’ was all I ever heard. There were errors in his work I noticed, but as they were never commented on I thought maybe I was being too hard on him (secondary school teacher).

Now it seems he is no longer the golden boy – in many ways a very good thing I think. However, he seems to have noticed a change of attitude towards him and is upset by it. He didn’t get a part in the school play (seems there wasn’t a straightforward audition process) and keeps saying, quite bitterly, that ‘they’ have picked their favourites and he keeps saying he is not liked by teachers and certain pupils are and ‘they’ keep on about organisation and nothing is good enough etc etc

I have just spent nearly an hour instead of a bedtime story trying to put things into perspective for him and letting him know teachers sometimes have a rant and he should let it wash over him if it doesn’t apply to him and take it on board if it does. He is a bit disorganised and they are trying to get him ready for sec school.

I feel I want to go in and see the teacher, but I don’t know if I’m justified. I feel she should know he is struggling a bit at the moment and taking things to heart a bit more than she perhaps intends. But maybe that is my problem and not the teacher’s His dad I split up nearly 3 years ago (school aware) but things have come to a head in some ways more recently and I feel that may be affecting ds too, especially in terms of organisation – it’s not ds’s fault he lives between two houses.

I know the play thing is a moot point – but it shouldn’t cause so much unhappiness should it? It does seem there has been an unfair process for assigning roles and I would at least like them to reconsider the procedures for next year.

I am annoyed that he seems to be aware that he has gone from being a high flyer to a disappointment. The teacher even admitted to me that she was disappointed with him after expecting so much more from him based on his reputation, yet he ended Y4 above ++ on everything with no causes for concern at all – within months he was a let down. In March she was more positive, with many issues apparently 'sorted' but he seems to be struggling with being seen in a different way from how he was in the past.

I am sorry this is so long. I have no one in rl to discuss it all with and I don’t want to let him down. He is so lovely and so sad tonight, but this could be my fault and nothing really to do with school. I don’t want to be ‘that parent’…

And, some good advice, remember your child might be one of two or three at home. He is likely one of thirty in his class, 60 or 90 in his year group, it can't always be about him. Perhaps it is just someone else's turn to have a part in the play or to shine in class. Believe me as school staff we really do want the best for everyone but know we can't please everyone all of the time. We are also so knackered and under so much pressure we honestly haven't the time or energy to plan to single out children for mistreatment.

This sounds very familiar to me too op, DS2 had a teacher in primary 6 who really seemed to take a dislike to him and his previous teachers had been full of praise. That being said she was a pretty awful teacher and there were many complaints from parents which I used to try and get him to take it less personally.
However DS2 is very sensitive and he did take it personally, I saw it as an opportunity to help him deal with difficult people and try and build up his resilience. It was a very long year and we were both glad when it was over, his next teacher was lovely and he had a great year after that.
It's all part of dealing with life and while it's difficult for you to see your child struggling it may be no bad thing in the long run given its nearly the end of the school year and he will be able to start again next year.

It sounds like he's used to feeling like the top one and golden boy and now he's experiencing some difficulties.

It doesn't mean the school have failed him. People go through peaks and troughs in life.

It's perfectly reasonable to want to speak to the teacher about the whole picture, but you need to be open to what they have to say and not just go in with the view of 'school are mean/unreasonable'

I agree with one of the first responses.

You are a teacher yourself and you know children don't go from high fliers to disappointments overnight and if there is a massive decline then their is always a bigger picture.

And so they need to support him.

I had this twice (Y3 & Y6) ... teacher deciding that DS1 wasn't that good, then being a bit abrasive, then at the end of the year judging that he was now really good again. TBH I suspected the first teacher, at least, of just trying to make it sound like she didn't need to bother with extension work for DS1.

DS1 got really upset by it all though, particulary with the Y6 teacher who prided herself on her no-nonsense attitude. The issue was that she was quick to criticise, and didn't try to sugar-coat it, but she reserved her praise for the less able and the girls. FWIW she was equally abrasive when speaking to parents.

I'd like to say that they get over it, but DS1 is in Y10 now, targetted for all 8s and 9s next year but he still remembers how unworthy those two teachers made him feel.

From my experience, you could go into school. it won't do any harm and it might do some good (she might take him aside and say something reassuring). However, the chances are it will be a waste of your time as its the teacher's personality that's causing the problem.

Deep breath. Nearly there. Sometimes there is chemistry with certain teachers. He may not get on with her style. By all means, have a chat so the pressure eases off somewhat and see what next year brings. It's a difficult year. Theybare not babies anymore and have to be prepped for the next stage. My Dd had the same at this stage

Mrscaindingle has it nailed. It's an opportunity to build his resilience.
Sometimes teachers really don't like a particular child. They will rarely acknowledge this - it's hard to see when our own buttons are being pressed.
Sometimes teachers (all adults) are unfair. He has to learn to navigate that as well as the disappointments that life throws at him. Teach him about resilience - it's almost the most important life skill that he needs to learn, it supports the ability to keep going, to be optimistic, to forgive your own mistakes.
It may be that his teacher IS being unfair, or he may have misinterpreted what is happening and be painting himself into a victim scenario. It's great that he's talking to you. You are key in helping him reinterpret what is happening and to learn that vital life skill - that even when disappointing / sad /bad things happen we can get through them. Good luck..

I think in some way it gets easier in secondary school because you're with a load of teachers for short periods and you realise that they all have their own ways and some are better than others.

I always did really well in school but I never really thought anything of it. I tried hard because I liked learning. A couple of teachers I came across really seemed to think I needed to be 'brought down a peg' but I was quite sensitive and didn't understand why they were so hard on me.

All kids need to learn resilience but you have to build them up first. I wouldn't suggest trying to test resilience at a time when someone is experiencing difficulties.

Yr5 is often a bit of a wake up call, life is a lot less fluffy and often a bit more direct. Children can find the shift a bit tough, but usually by now they have adapted and are ready for yr6 and the joy that goes with it. (I've taught yr5 for about 10 years on and off). However, you say yourself that he has been the "golden boy" for years, so it could just be that he is finding the shift to being like all the others a bit of a shock.

Please don't demand a meeting as suggested earlier, it will make you look a bit odd- especially as I guess you've had s couple of parents evenings to bring it up already this year.