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AIBU?

To encourage DD to move further away for uni?

26 replies

Worrrrrrrs · 23/06/2017 19:30

DD is now 20! Yes, 20! She had a bit of a delay in going to uni due to having to resit some subjects, she was then too anxious to go last year so took a year out to work and get some other experience on her CV. She now has some uni offers for a couple of unis. One is only a 15 min drive away and the other is an hour away.

We have both spoken about a lot and decided that she is best to move out (although she was unkeen) and go into halls, she wants to go to the closer uni though "so she can still see me at the weekend" I'm really unsure on this. She will be getting a loan and paying for accommodation and yet wasting so much of it to be at home when everyone else will be going out. She is worried that she is going to be so much older than everyone else in her flat.

AIBU to think going to the further away one is better? She is far enough to not come home at weekends, but close enough to still come home when she needs to?

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Pengggwn · 23/06/2017 19:31

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KarlKennedysBumCrack · 23/06/2017 19:50

I'd be really pleased too! Just because she could visit at the weekend, it doesn't mean she actually will once she's settled in. You'll probably never see her even if she's close by.

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Worrrrrrrs · 23/06/2017 19:51

No, she'll come home every weekend. It's the type of person she is, she is very attached to me and home, which is lovely but she really needs to speed her wings, I'm worried she isn't going to ever grow independent.

Will she be the oldest in her accommodation do you reckon? I think she'll just blend in.

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RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/06/2017 19:55

I'd be delighted that she could live at home and keep her loans to the bare minimum.

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Leeds2 · 23/06/2017 19:56

I don't think being an hour away (by train? car?) is that far at all, really,.and won't stop her coming home at weekends if she wants to. Just perhaps not every weekend!

Is there a reason she thinks you would like her to come every weekend (e.g. does she think you are lonely/need looking after etc)? If so, I would reassure her that you do not! Fwiw, of the DCC I know who have gone off to uni and come home every weekend, they often don't settle quite so quickly because they miss out on the socialising at the weekend and don't seem to put down roots in their new home.

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SuperRainbows · 23/06/2017 19:56

Isn't it up to her?

My confident dd went 2 hours drive away and only told me later how desperately homesick she was for the first term.

She will definitely blend in at 20.

Just let her follow her own path, make her own choices and you may be surprised how quickly she's not coming home every weekend.

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Amanduh · 23/06/2017 19:57

I lived at a uni about a 20-30 min drive from home. That waa my intention - to go home often - once I was in the swing of it all it didnt happen though, I was too busy going out! It was nice to be able to get home easily if I needed to or the thought of it was there. Plenty of people will be 20 or 21 as well. A couple of years is nothing, lots will have done gap years anyway.

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Leeds2 · 23/06/2017 19:58

i don't think she will look out of place being 20. Many, many students have gap years, and often more than one.

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SheSparkles · 23/06/2017 19:59

Why do you want her to move out?
If she has issues with anxiety surely it would be better to live at home if she can.
When I was a student about a million years ago there were loads of us stayed at home and carried on with part time jobs, giving us a comfortable life.
She's only 20, she has the
Rest of her life to move away

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TKRedLemonade · 23/06/2017 20:00

I lived 2hr from home in uni and went home almost every weekend. Had a fab social life as going out day was Thursday. I would think my parents didn't want me home often if they were forcing me further away. Surely moving into halls is independence anyway

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Tokelau · 23/06/2017 20:02

I think it's best to let her go where she wants. If she'll be more comfortable being close to home, then she is more likely to enjoy the course and complete it. Not everyone likes partying and being in a crowd.

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Rach5l · 23/06/2017 20:04

{deja vu} my mum thought I was too shy & clingy so made me go to uni in Plymouth 400 miles away! Sad I was desperately sad so obviously I would say let her be close

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Babywearinggeek · 23/06/2017 20:16

I lived an hour and a half away from uni and still went home almost every weekend for the first year. I started dating my DH at the end of first year and she had to come and visit me for the rest of uni 😂 Let her stay close to home, plus half and hour means she can come home for the morning instead of the whole weekend too! And the age thing is no biggie. I lived with a guy who was in final year (so 21) and we didn't even notice.. age doesn't really matter at uni :)

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Me264 · 23/06/2017 21:04

When I wasn't in halls in first year there were quite a few third years (so 21) who had moved back to halls, she won't be out of place at all.

I was a home bird too tbh and went to uni about an hour away from home, I was very homesick in my first year, not so bad the second year but I moved back home for the third year and commuted. I only "allowed" myself to go home every other weekend as I felt I shouldn't go home every weekend, I did miss out on things going on in halls etc at the weekend but I didn't really care as I was so homesick! Lots of young adults aren't quite ready to leave home at that age. I moved in with my boyfriend (now DH) just before I turned 23 and had no homesick feelings at all, so don't worry too much about never getting rid of her!

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honeyroar · 23/06/2017 21:09

I was 22 when I went to uni, there were lots of freshers my age or older, so tell her not to worry.

I'm with you. I think she needs to go further away. Could you tell her she can only come home once a month or every three weeks? She sounds like she needs a gentle push away from your apron strings.

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NorthernLurker · 23/06/2017 21:14

This young woman already suffers from anxiety. She doesn't need to feel she's failing by not wanting to go a long way from home. My dd is confident and assertive and at uni five hours away. My inlaws are forty minutes away from her and were it not for that I think she would have struggled hugely. Growing up is a process not an event.

I would let her pick the uni she likes and wait for the home issue to sort itself out.

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Enidblyton1 · 23/06/2017 21:14

Which one is the better university/course? Both universities are very close to home - an hour isn't going to stop her coming home if she wants to. So I'd reassure her of this, to make sure she doesn't pick the closest university just because of location. Equally, if the closer university is the better one, don't push her further away just for the sake of independence.

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IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 23/06/2017 21:15

I do understand what your saying OP but be careful what you wish for.

I've always told my dds they should go away for uni and they both have. They have both now left uni and stayed in their university cities and have jobs. I'm so proud of my confident girls BUT I'm so jealous of some of my friends whose children never left home to go to uni. They have mostly bought houses/ flats locally and will forever be near their parents. I know mine will never move back BUT they are both extremely happy where they are. It really is hard to say what is the best thing to do. I do miss my girls.Sad

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Floralnomad · 23/06/2017 21:16

My ds went to a local uni and stayed home , we paid the fees , he kept his pt job ( retail supervisor) and he came out of uni with a first , no debt and a shed load of savings . We actually encouraged him to stay home because I know that he would not be able to share kitchen / bathroom facilities with people who possibly would not clean and had visions of him going away and then dropping out because of his clean freak ways . He still made friends and socialised and it wasn't a problem at all , there were quite a few people commuting from home , I think it's becoming increasingly popular as people try to reduce their debt .

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IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 23/06/2017 21:16

Although I should add, they are both just over an hour away and we see each other once or twice a month.

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Xmasbaby11 · 23/06/2017 21:21

If she has anxiety, I would not push her to move further away until she's ready. Chances are she'll get immersed in student life and spend more time away from home anyway.

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acquiescence · 23/06/2017 21:26

It's worth considering that where she goes to uni may end up being where she ends up settling down. I had the feeling that I needed to go to uni a way away from home so I did, 3 hours away. I then stayed here and settled down. My family are still 3 hours away and it would be so much nicer to have my mum an hour or less away now that I have my own children.

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allowlsthinkalot · 23/06/2017 22:19

Don't push her away. She'll only feel rejected and hurt. Maybe she needs to know the option is there to come and see you and will gain independence more gradually as she gets more confident.

She won't be older than the others, she'll find people of all ages. 20 won't be old at all.

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PlainJane29 · 23/06/2017 22:44

Sorry Woorrrrrrrrrrrs but I think you are helicoptering here at tad.

she is very attached to me and home, which is lovely but she really needs to speed her wings, I'm worried she isn't going to ever grow independent

She won't become independent if you don't let her make her own choices in life!

She has stated what she wants, and instead of supporting her, you are throwing disapproval all over her plans and trying to influence her to have the Uni experience you want her to have

You know she has anxiety - and going to Uni, moving away from friends and family is huge. You need to support her choices - this is how adults behave around each other, not try and manipulate each others choices into 'what I would do if it were me'.

STOP.

These choices really must be hers, as if you make them for her, she will not be completely happy and could result in a situation she is uncomfortable with and end up with her dropping out

My DS lived in halls of residence in the same town as me, which was great that he was so close, but I did not see him every weekend - probably once a month if we were lucky - as he was busy doing his own thing as your daughter will be - if you allow her to and stop throwing disapproval all over her life

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Babywearinggeek · 24/06/2017 03:12

Oh and from what other people have said I should add that I stayed in my university town too! I don't think my mum was expecting that either and I know she misses the DGC! What's so wrong with her wanting to be close? Uni has to be 100% her choice or she will resent you for it later. Whether it's the degree, the actual uni or even where to live! Part of the independence of uni is making those decisions. And I do know several people that lived at home + worked while they were at uni and they saved enough money to buy a house + fancy car when they graduated.

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