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AIBU?

For wanting to become the legal guardian for my half-brother?

54 replies

user1498213348 · 23/06/2017 15:35

I’m 28 years old and I want to become the legal guardian for my 10-year-old half-brother. He’s currently in foster care after his mother passed away 3 years ago. My family is furious over what I plan to do and they have told me if I take him in, I’ll be dead to them. My mother says she’ll write me out of the will and inheritance.

For a little background, I come from money (mother was born into it; dad was self-made). My parents’ marriage was a joke. I know that divorce is very unhealthy for kids, but in the case of my brothers and I, it would’ve been mercy. Constant screaming and fighting every day. Over the stupidest and pettiest things. Then my dad began cheating, and my half-brother was born to another woman.

My parents’ marriage was a sham prior the adultery; after it, hell was set loose. My mother once attempted to murder my dad in front of us; she stabbed him the shoulder. He was a big guy (6’5 and built like a tank) so she didn’t get far. I suspect the only reason they stayed together was because of financial aspects – their money was tied together.

My mother also started cheating and let it be known to my dad (stuff like coming home and telling him “I got a good fucking.”). My dad didn’t care at all. He would just shrug his shoulders.

My half brother’s mother died in a car crash, and because he didn’t have extended family, he went into foster care. A couple years ago, certain events made me re-evaluate my life and change my perspective. This prompted me to look up my little brother.

I’ve fallen in love with him so much. He’s such a beautiful, lovely, intelligent little boy. Initially I had no plans to take him in, but after being around him for a year and getting to know him, I want to raise him. He deserves the best shot at life.

My dad passed away 5 years ago. However, my mother is furious at the thought. When I told her, she slapped me several times and threatened to cut me out of the will and inheritance (meh, growing up in that family made me realise money doesn’t guarantee happiness).

My brothers have said I’ll be dead to them if I take my half-brother in.
I’ll be honest, completely severing ties with my family will be hard, but my brother is in need. He’s the innocent person in all this. What happened between my dad and his mother, is not his fault at all. He was just born into this life; forced into this world without a say, just like everyone else. He deserves the best prospects possible.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 23/06/2017 15:38

I'd do it in a heartbeat. Sounds like you won't be missing out on much (other than money) with your disfunctional mother and brothers.

Sirzy · 23/06/2017 15:38

Sounds like you and your brother would be better off without them.

You are both victims of their behaviour in different ways and I think you are right to put your brother first.

Ilovecoleslaw · 23/06/2017 15:39

Oh wow, hard choice you have to make there op. But like you said, its not your brother fault and you're family are being incredibly unreasonable by wanting to cut contact if you do!
Think about what feels right for you. Give your brother a home and a family with his sister when he has no one else? Or staying incontat with your family who sound like conplete dicks and can't understand this is about an innocent child?

Ilovecoleslaw · 23/06/2017 15:40

(Or brother) assumed you were fenale for some reason 😂

ajandjjmum · 23/06/2017 15:40

I think that what you are considering is fantastic, and would give your brother a chance of a better life, although I'm sure it wouldn't all be plain sailing. With regards to the rest of your family, can you bear to cut them off (thinking more of your other brothers than your not so DM)? Although money isn't everything, it does make life easier in some ways.

Would you be able to support your brother by having him stay for the odd weekend etc., before you step in to full-time guardianship?

I don't know how these things work, but I think you're being a lovely, caring human being by considering this, and wish you well.

scottishdiem · 23/06/2017 15:41

You sound like a brilliant human being compared to your family. Take him on and raise him to be the family you need and want instead of the family that you unfortunately have.

Good luck.

ChopinLisztFinder · 23/06/2017 15:42

They're being dicks.

I think you'd have less regrets if you do persue being his guardian. Like you say, it's not his fault and he deserves a chance.

Good luck. x

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 23/06/2017 15:42

Do it. If they're s eager to cut ties and disinherit over this, if you capitulate they'll forever use it as a weapon to beat you round the head with and make you dance to their unhappy tune.

NellieFiveBellies · 23/06/2017 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdalindSchade · 23/06/2017 15:45

Your family sound awful.
Your brother may be settled in foster care - is he in a stable, long term placement? If he has attached to his foster carers and they expect to raise him to adulthood then he may be better where he is. However family ties are massive and it might be the absolute best thing for him to live with a family member.
Remember you could still be a huge part of his life even if he is settled where he is.

M00nUnit · 23/06/2017 15:45

I think it's wonderful that you want to do this, plus it would be the right thing to do. For both you and your half brother. Good luck!

blueskyinmarch · 23/06/2017 15:45

Your family do not deserve you. Your half brother however does deserve you and he also deserves a chance at a normal family life with family who loves him. All the money in the world cannot buy that, but you can give it to your half brother for nothing.

OlennasWimple · 23/06/2017 15:48

No choice to make IMHO.

You might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread into the Adoption board (or start a new thread over there) to get advice from others who have gone down the special guardianship order route

user1498213348 · 23/06/2017 15:50

ajandjjmum

Regarding the money aspect - I'll be fine. My current job pays me well and unlike my brothers (I swear their inheritance will be finished in 3 less than 3 years) I don't spend much. I have my savings and the current salary. I've done the maths and at the moment, I'm only supporting myself. I have enough to take care of a child.

As for the weekends - I've already done that :) Despite my love for him, it was important for me to gauge whether we could be compatible together in the home setting. So he has been sleeping over in the past and while there have been challenges, it's been great.

adalinschade

No, he's not settled. He's been moved around 3 times since his mother passed away. And he's told me he doesn't like where he currently is.

OP posts:
user1498213348 · 23/06/2017 15:51

Ilovecoleslaw

I am female :)

OP posts:
comedycentral · 23/06/2017 15:54

I did it! It was hard at the time but I set him up for life, he is now living with his girlfriend and working and I have zero regrets. It took me about 8-9 months to go through the process of kinship fostering, like interviewing my employer, friends, etc. Although it may be quicker for you as I did have to move house so he would have a bedroom so that held things up a bit. Good luck.

P.S Your Mother assaulted you, call the police.

user1498213348 · 23/06/2017 15:57

comedycentral

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I'm so happy that everything worked out for you guys :)

As for my mother hitting me - I think I may have become desensitized to her childish need to physically lash out when unhappy. Heck, the stabbed my dad.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 15:58

Just out of interest, did your father leave anything to his son (your half brother)? The boy might have a legal case there.

user1498213348 · 23/06/2017 16:01

imperial

Nope. Not that I'm aware of. And if he did, I wouldn't put it past my mother to have circumvented and blocked it, using shady means. She had more money than my dad, and with that kind of cash, you can gain a lot of clout.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 23/06/2017 16:03

Your Mother isn't toxic, abusive an now thinks that she can be violent to you, now you are an adult. There is nothing to hang on to there.

Speaking as a Mother of Adult children, so I've done the teen bit and an ex CP SW, now is the ideal age for him to settle with you, before the teen years.

If he was in long term Foster Care, it would be different, but he could face more moves and unless the Care has been long term, things can go very wrong in the child's teens.

I'd make the move towards permanency plans.

Keep your Mother away from him and leave your DB's to do what they want, they have suffered at your Parents hands, as well.

It's a complete new life for both of you.

divorcedandpissedoff · 23/06/2017 16:04

You sound lovely OP, unlike your mother.

krustykittens · 23/06/2017 16:05

I would do it. Your bothers may come round but your mother sounds like a toxic wagon you are better off without. You sound financially stable and it sounds like your brother needs you. Good luck!

Gemini69 · 23/06/2017 16:06

Follow your HEART x

Wibblywobblyfoo · 23/06/2017 16:06

You sound like a very level headed and caring sister. Try. Look into it. If you can have him with you then you two will be a family yourselves and it will be a real loving one at that. it seems like you have both been let down by the people who should have been protecting you and you deserve the real family experience.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 23/06/2017 16:08

You seem lovely. It sounds like you've got it all worked out and you have a bond with your brother.

I think you'd regret it if you didn't.

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