How the hell to explain to DC why I'm withholding contact?

[Welshmaenad]

I have posted about this before, quite possibly under another name, but I don't really care about being outed anymore. I will try to be concise.

ExH and I separated 18 months. His previous girlfriend was lovely, got on well, happy for kids to be with her etc. He split with her in January. February new GF on scene. Late Feb incident (children not present) where she got drunk +++ at his house, picked a fight, broke up with him because he still got on with and communicated with me (she has 'major resentment issues' about me for reasons I don't understand) self harmed, then got in her car and drive off after 3/4 bottle of gin. He was whatsapping me throughout for advice as he thought she would attempt suicide. Told me she had mental health issues and was on medication at time of incident. When she got in her car, told me to move mine (live down the hill from him) in case she deliberately damaged it. Police were called but she'd come back by the time they attended so she wasn't arrested for drunk driving.

Amazingly he took her back. I have been insistent from this point on that I don't want her near my kids. He initially agreed, saying he would have her meet me first once she was 'recovered'. She refused. He then told me he wouldn't let them meet her without warning me, then took them to dinner with her in half term without my knowledge. I told him in no uncertain terms that she was not to be there with them overnight, to drink around them, or drive them anywhere. Following weekend he allowed all three, again without telling me - I found out from the kids - and did so on a weekend I was away and couldn't have come back easily to intervene had I found out. He refuses to acknowledge my concerns, just parrots that she is a 'totally different person now' without being able to articulate how or why. His behaviour has changed massively since he has been with her.

I am now insisting on no contact with her. I have involved social services who support my position and share my concerns and have advised me to withhold contact if he will not give an undertaking that she won't be around them. I'm a newly qualified social worker. I also sought advice from a tutor who agreed with my position and advised I would be negligent NOT to place parameters in contact. Three social workers telling him his children should be kept away from her and still he insists he knows better.

He's been offered the opportunity to have a contact agreement drawn up by my solicitor but has refused. I've filed for a court hearing for a prohibited steps order to prevent him bringing her into contact with them but hearing isn't until the end of July.

He is supposed to have the children this weekend and they were looking forward to going. However he has point blank refused to give me assurance that his GF won't be around them, so as per SS advice I have to withhold contact, and his position is that it's my job to break the news to them. How in the fuck do I do this without hurting them? I don't want to spoil their relationship with their dad in the hopes we can get things back on track but I need to make it clear that I'm doing this to keep them safe and I'm out of options here. They are aware that they are not to be around the GF and child friendly reasons why.

What do I say??

Sorry if I've missed vital info, I'm exhausted and stressed, I'm not trying to drip feed.

i would tell that gf is not allowed to see them but ex will break the rules, is it practical to go through a contact centre?
if this woman is such a car crash it's possible he won't stay with her
long term anyway.
sad to think he thinks more of her than his own dc, that speaks volumes imo

Tell them the truth. They are aware that they aren't to be around her but their dad disagrees. I don't think you can hide that from them

I'd like to hope so pip but it's like she's brainwashed him.

I don't understand why it's so taxing to not see her whilst he has the kids. It's 2 days. I've been with my OH 8 months now and we see each other every other weekend when we are both child free and nobody has died.

I'd phone him and tell him that it is his responsibility to explain why he has chosen his gf over his children. What a tosspot he is.

He will not speak to me on the phone. He will only communicate with me via whatsapp or email these days. We used to coparent so well too.

He has just said that it is my choice to withhold contact so I can deal with the fallout.

I'd maybe just say that the gf isn't very well and their dad is looking after her. They will likely resent it if he continues not to have contact but he is essentially choosing the gf over his own children. I'm sure you wouldn't but I'd keep your opinions on him.and her to yourself and just say that you hope they can see daddy soon.

Just tell the kids dad is busy, it's really not your job to explain the situation for him. He's ignored official advice from ss so you have no choice but to protect your children from this drink driving nutjob.

I'd just fire back with a straight to the point " well if you hadn't ignored ss advice I wouldn't have to withhold contact ". It sounds rather tit for tat but I'd do it.

How old are your children? If they're old enough then just be honest. Tell them it's your job to make sure they're ok and you're not convinced they'd be safe because of her previous actions/behaviour. At some point they're going to have to make this distinction themselves (I.e. Whether to get in a car or not if they think someone's been drinking).

Sorry, I forgot that info, they are 7 and almost 11.

I wouldn't lie - if old enough then they need to be able to recognise that this person may not be entirely trustworthy.

I'd definitely tell them the truth. Then they can tell you if something is wrong in future or tell their Dad they aren't happy if she behaves erratically. Especially the 10yr old.

You'll want full disclosure from them if anything happens

Also - side issue I know - he has never paid maintenance, as I wanted him to have money to enjoy time with the children.

I've told him if he's not seeing them he will have to pay maintenance now, am I being fair?

Even if it just, 'She got cross and did something very silly.' Call your ex's bluff. He doesn't think you'll tell them.

Yes yes yes he should be paying anyway. Take it down the formal route, get everything documented. You'll get maintenance and he'll get boundaries within which to see his children.

And you can always send them to him with extra money once this is sorted out.

You have been more than bloody fair! I'd be claiming and having it backdated as far as the csa can.

Tell them that they are not allowed to be in the pressence of daddys girlfriend for their own wellbeing and daddy refuses to follow this professional advice, you are more than happy for them to see daddy but without daddys cooperation on this matter it has been taken out of your hands, this has been his decision.

I think they do need a child-friendly version of the truth. You can't allow it to be ex's opinion that you're responsible and stopping him seeing his DC without reason - that's not the case.

I would say something like

I'm afraid you can't see Dad at the moment, because its not safe for me to to send you if Dad won't agree to make sure that GF isn't there too. I know it's really disappointing, and we are waiting to get the rules properly sorted out by the court people so everyone is clear about what is allowed and what isn't. But in the meantime I can't let you stay if Dad can't agree about GF spending the weekends you're there somewhere else. I'd worry about you all and it could get me into trouble, as well as Dad. Would you like to call him and speak to him instead?

Thank you all, I'm going to go with the softest version of the truth I can manage much as squirrels said. My DD in particular is going to be devastated 😔

Probably also worth pointing out that whilst she seems to spend every waking minute at his house, she does not live there and does have her own home to go to so (about 35 minutes away) there is no need at all for her to be present.

At 7 and 11 they are old enough to understand that someone driving when drunk is dangerous and that you are holding contact for their own protection. Tell them that the social workers have investigated and agreed that this woman is not responsible enough currently to look out for their well being. Tell them that you don't want them put in the middle between you and their father where you tell them not to let this woman drive them anywhere while your father tells them that she can.

In fact you need to tell them this before they start thinking you are trying to score points off your ex, or stop them seeing him for a selfish reason of your own instead of the very good ones that you have.

If it causes them to put two and two together and realize he is putting seeing his girlfriend over spending time with his children (and they will do eventually) that is not your fault and certainly no reason to put them at risk.

I totally support your decision on this, you can not allow your dc to be around this kind of behaviour, and your ex dp is not doing enough to protect them (or his relationship with them) by continuing such a destructive relationship. At some point he may see the light, but in the meantime I would not make it sound permanent to your children this will make them panic.. instead say that is for a short period because his gf is mentally unwell. This is close enough to the truth to be acceptable but not frightening for them, I would confirm that he loves them very much and you are looking forward to spending the extra time with them instead.

Ask them to plan the best weekend ever, with whatever funds you have (and this might mean sleeping in your bed) or camping in the garden, try and take the focus off your ex dp and onto more fun things.

Managed properly this will okay in the end I feel. SS are supporting you which is great and prob this relationship will blow out in good time and won't be your problem for much longer.

I remember your last post about this OP. Its a really difficult one, but not one that you should be made to feel bad about. If he insists on you telling them, then I'd try to be as honest as possible (within reason). Maybe something along the lines of Dad's OH isnt very well and so you cant go round - technically its true as she clearly ISNT well if shes got some mental health issues. If they probe further then maybe just explain a bit more. I cant remember how old you DC are or what their knowledge of MH disorders are though

Poor you Welsh.

I'd definitely offer them the chance to speak to him if they want to. Let them email him, maybe, if he won't pick up the phone to you.

He's banking on you not wanting to be the bad guy. And cutting off his nose to spite his face. If you have all communication in writing now, at least you can show you've tried your utmost to offer reasonable access. It's pretty low though to prioritise any adult over your young DC.