Nuts

[user1498218397]

I feel like I'm going crazy about this so I could really do with some advice.

I am getting married next year to my long-term partner and my best friend from childhood was always going to be maid of honour. She has now said that she will not come to the wedding as her husband is allergic to nuts and unless there are absolutely no nuts served in any of the meal or the cake, then she will not come. She has also said she won't come without him when given the option.

I might add that she did not ask if this was the case, more assumed that we would change the entire wedding breakfast and cake for him without asking.

Do you actually know it's a phobia, or do you think that because of the exposure therapy? (Which as people have said is an experimental new treatment for allergies)

If your friend won't budge on the nut issue it doesn't really matter if it's a phobia or a true allergy, it boils down to if you don't make the wedding nut free she won't come.

That leaves the ball in your court. Do you feel strongly enough about her coming that you're willing to make the catering nut free? I think in your shoes I'd talk to the caterers about the situation and see what they say. If they think they can make the food nut free without significant changes to your agreed menu or significant extra cost to you, then I'd just go with it.

My daughter is allergic to peanuts. I would bring food for her if caterers weren't able to promise there were no traces of nuts, but if there were actual nuts being served we just wouldn't go.

I would just like to point out that your friend's DH's lack of an Epipen or hospitalisation due to nut allergy, do not in themselves mean that he must have a phobia rather than an allergy. Epipens are prescribed for serious allergies where there is a risk of "airway involvement" (swelling of the throat) or evidence of anaphylaxis. If the allergy is mild, for example leading to an itchy rash, then the patient may be advised to use an antihistamine rather than an Epipen. However, it is still an allergy and must be taken seriously because the reaction can suddenly and unpredictably worsen.

it doesn't really matter if it's a phobia or a true allergy

It does matter. A phobia can have devastating effect on your life but it will not kill you. A severe allergy can kill you.

This is a bizarre situation

Ohto I didn't mean it doesn't matter in the sense you're describing, of course one being able to kill you and the other not matters. What I mean was if the friend absolutely won't come unless the wedding is nut free the reason doesn't matter. The only thing the OP can do is decide whether she is willing to accommodate the demand or not.

don't blame your friend for being supportive of her partners life threatening allergies

He doesn't have one.