AIBU to ask for your best potty training tips?

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I have posted in the potty training group but got no replies, so thought I'd post here for traffic

My son is 2 years 9 months. The last 8 weeks we have been potty training. I wasn't sure he was ready when we started as he never gave any indications he knew he needed nappy changes. For a few weeks prior, i sat him on the toilet before bath time and praise him when he did a wee. One afternoon he asked for "a wee wee on the toilet" so i sat him on there. After he did a wee he refused to have a nappy back on. I went with it, he did really well! We were having trips out and he was dry, asking for the toilet when needed there were occasional accidents but very few.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. He is now weeing in his pants more than he is using the toilet. He attends nursery for 2.5 hours a day and today he used the toilet there twice but also had 3 accidents.

I have tried my best to ignore accidents, but today i lost my temper. He emptied a toy box (small plastic tub) do he could sit in it. He did a wee then got up and poured it on his head. I really told him off, that we do wees on the toilet and not in boxes and that he knows that so not to do it, and i feel terrible for it. I don't know what to do from here. I thought about giving him a break and trying again in a few weeks, but he refuses a nappy "i not a baby" and he refuses a pull up in the day as they are for bed. He will just take them off.

Any advice at all is greatfully received

Thank you for all your helpful advice. I will definitely take a look at the book recommended.

I do make him stop playing to go get cleaned up, full shower today after the tipping incident. I also get him to help me clean up, the staff at the nursery were shocked today at how many accidents he did have in such a short space of time. He wasn't even like this during the first few days.

He doesn't get chocolate or sweets regularly at all, but has developed an obsession with kinder eggs. I may use it as an incentive, 20 stickers = 1 kinder egg maybe?

Not sure how you do it at home, but every 15 mins or so, I'd ask if they needed a wee and encourage them to try the toilet or potty even if they said no. This is how my DDs nursery do it too, the take all the potty training ones/newly potty trained to the toilets every 20-30 mins, with very few accidents.

Sweets worked with my DS (potty trained at 2yrs 4 months) until he realised he could hold his wee and make 1 wee into 5 over a 20 minute period!! We changed to stickers for him which worked much better.
My DD didn't need any encouragement with sweets or stickers and potty trained a little bit earlier, but it's definitely easier second time, as she took interest in his trips to the toilet?!

But at the end of the day, they're all different and maybe try in a month or two, just don't let him get stressed about it, otherwise he will struggle and remember all of the wrong associations.

Sorry but I think the sweets/stickers/bribery thing is an odd approach.

Meh. Totally depends on the child. My daughter trained before she was 2, my son is having none of it - and he is 3 and a half. I found with my daughter that if she was stressed about it, then she would deliberately wee on the carpet (never the lino!). I then backed off for a few days, and let her wear nappies again. After a while, she would ask to try again, and she gained confidence. But, they're all different.

We are on day 7 tomorrow! It's slow going but we are persevering. My daughter (2y 4mths) still has a few accidents BUT she does actually wee on the potty. No poos yet but one step at a time.

When she does a wee, we go a bit OTT with the praise - we clap, we cheer, we announce it to everyone in the house ... and then she gets a lolly. She loves the praise so much that before she even realises she will get a lolly, she sits back down and tries to do another one!

For us, I think it's knowing and accepting that accidents are part of the course, it isn't an overnight success and there will be pitfalls and step backs along the way; afterall she IS only 2! I have 5 and 6 year olds in my class who still have the odd accident and at nursery, it's expected that kids will need a pant change.

I just bought lots and lots of knickers, lots of lollies and took a deep breath and deal with what shit (no pun intended) is thrown my way.

mctat that maybe your opinion but the bribery approach is by no means a failure when many parents claim that it works for them. It isn't a -one-step-approach-for-all. Every child is different and will respond differently too.

Wait until he is ready

Dd was 3.4 and got it in 3 days. Hasn't had an accident now since

She got a sticker for every wee, a sweet for every poo and when she filled the chart she got a toy. It worked wonders

Oh crap potty training
Honestly it's amazing.
It does go againsr the majority of the advice above though.
However it really really works

Banging I didn't say it would fail, I just think that, when you give it some thought, it's odd to manipulate bodily functions in that way. They get there when they're ready.

I don't think it's particularly odd. You want your child to go to the potty rather than make a mess of their clothes/use nappies. They might rather carry on playing than go to the potty so a little incentive to motivate them to remember and pause their play is only fair imo.

A lot of two years olds wouldn't really get the concept of 20 stickers to get a kinder egg. You also run the risk of him trying to do loads of little wees to get more stickers which isn't what you want and probably won't be good for his bladder.

I would probably say if he can keep his pants dry all day, you can go to the shop after tea and get a kinder egg. That is what you are aiming for-no accidents rather than lots of wees on the toilet (which you know he can already do).

I agree with mctat though, I think it is odd to bribe for normal bodily functions and something that is developmental. You wouldn't give sweets for leaning to walk/talk/ride a bike.
I know bribes work for a lot of people but I have just always thought they will do it when they are ready.
I sometimes think the over the top praise can put a lot of pressure on some children and they can then use toiliting as a way of expressing when they are angry/sad/scared about something (often without realising). So if they know going on the toilet makes mummy cheer and be very happy, weeing on the floor can be their way of expressing they are cross at mummy. Obviously not all children, and some will just have lots of accidents because they aren't quite ready,etc.

I've always just said along the lines of, well done for going on the toilet, you must be very pleased with yourself/feel very proud of yourself. You're then encouraging intrinsic rewards.

Hmmm you've given me something to think about there littletwofeet. You are right, i dont think he will understand the 20 stickers = 1 kinder egg. My head is in the shed after a stressful day. You are also right in saying our aim is to not have accidents. He can use the toilet, and does still ask to use it. I don't particularly want to fall in to the trap of using food stuff as a reward, especially as it will have to stop at some point. I do believe he is ready, we have just had a set back. 6 weeks of it being great proves he can do it and it was all on his terms, i followed his lead.

I am wondering if events of the last 2 weeks have had a bigger impact on him than i thought they would. Being off nursery, plus my other son had surgery so maybe i have unwittingly given ds1 less attention than i usually would have.

Maybe i should reward myself for not responding negatively to the accidents with a vodka shot? May not be helpful to him though

Wouldn't even help me, because i dont drink hahaha

Being able to hold your wee and bowel movements and being aware when you need to go as well as the motor skills to pull trousers up and down are developmental things.
Choosing to stop playing to go and use the potty is behavioural. Rewards will have no effect on a child who isn't ready but if the child has been using the potty successfully for weeks I'd say he is ready physically.
Waiting until the child does it of their own accord is great if they dislike nappies or have a great desire to be grown up and basically train themselves age 3. But most kids age 2 or 3 don't really care where they evacuate ime and very few are keen to stop playing to do it in the socially acceptable place without some sort of extrinsic incentive.

And as for the vodka shots - at least if you have a day of many accidents you'd be past caring by lunch time

So would you say the likelihood is that it's become behavioural? Maybe if i start to take him back to the toilet every 20 mins for a couple of days, ratger than asking, hopefully break the pattern he has started. He may learn that he gets more play time if he goes when he needs to rather than me taking him constantly.

You have all given me many things to consider. Hopefully i shall have a solid plan of action by the morning. One thing i have learnt since having him is that consistency is key in everything, we will get there!

When you take him to clean him up after an accident really overdo the slowness of it all. Make it really boring and drawn out, instil how much more fun and quick it is to just go to the loo. Make sure nursery do exactly the same thing.

I promise he will get it, he already has! It really is just a matter of time.

I have my plan!

I'm going to take him to the toilet every 20 mins, if he has an accident i shall try not to draw any attention other than to clean up and remind him where he should go. I will get him to help me clean up properly and put his clothes in the washing machine.

I will also get his Pirate Pete Potty book back out and read it several times a day. Giving lots of 'big boy' praise when he does use the toilet.

If this all fails, you shall find me in a corner with a bottle of something stronger than squash.

my dd is 2 yrs 8 months and nowhere near ready :(

Completely agree with littletwofeet.

If it's behavioural then he is trying to communicate something with that behaviour. So address that first. Try again when things are calmer, wait for him to be emotionally ready. All the loo trips & book reading sound like a lot of pressure. Children sense this.

What would you suggest mctat? He will not keep a nappy or pull up on, so either way i have the same issue.

That sounds snippy, i apologise it wasn't meant to. I really just do not know where to turn. I've had so much conflicting advice from family/friends, I'm at a loss.

Potty training is everything to do with the child and very little to do with anything you do. People whose children trained in one day with no accidents may think they hit a magic formula; they may have chosen a good time to try but the rest was the child and nothing they did. Some children do just get it quickly, others don't. Late/early potty training apparently runs in families. Some children won't be ready to try until later, and others, regardless of how ready they are, will have lots of accidents. If your child is one of these then just remember every child is an individual and carry lots of spare cloths. Toilet training is not linked to intelligence either.

Every 20 mins may 'catch' a wee or poo but isn't training. If they did try and produce something that frequently then you would be encouraging poor toileting. Sitting on the toilet once an hour and stretching that to two hours would be better. I also wouldn't try and 'punish' their accidents by making a show of clearing up - just do it matter of factly and move on.

So just keep going and carry lots of spares? I do think it's going to be a case of waiting it out with him. His nursery staff keep saying that he will get there, i know he will it's just a dramatic u turn.

No, not snippy at all, OP - sorry if I sounded short. I too agree with doing very little.

I would try & listen to what he's communicating. It's probably just a small regression due to everything that's been going on. Keep things relaxed if you can. Gently but firmly explain that he's having accidents and therefore you're going to help him to stay clean by providing nappies/pull ups. Empathise if that upsets him but be firm. Talk him through what you're doing when you change him. Continue making the potty/toilet available without any pressure to use, and model using the loo when the situation arises. If he takes them off and literally refuses, the potty and loo are already available, but I'd stick with nappies/pull ups until he's showing signs again. Was he nappy free at night too?

I wouldn't recommend sitting him on loo/potty - wait for him to ask/show interest.

I bet he's ready again in a week or two. But if not that's fine too. I would really try to feel that it's not something you need to 'do' to/for him.