Rude Mums

[Barbie77]

Hello, I have just joined Mumsnet and I'm nervous about doing this. Today one of my twins was unwell but the other one went to school as usual. When I went to collect the well one I had to leave the sick one in the car in the picking up zone in the school grounds. As I was rushing back to the car I was trying to get past two Mother's when I got past one of them very loudly said behind me to the other mother how some people don't have any patience well I just turned round and looked directly at her and said to her crossly that I had an unwell child in the car and that they had a high temperature and she just arrogantly shook her head and I ran back to the car. Coming home I cried and my twin vomited. I just find other Mother's very critical and judgemental. It really gets me down. I would like to know was I in the wrong?

I think it's obvious because you became upset over quite a 'trivial' (not to you!) incident. I am exactly the same, op. I'm probably a lot older than you and have grown a thick skin on the outside, but deep inside I still panic about any type of confrontation, however small.

Social anxiety is talked about more these days but I still feel people look at you differently.

hahaaa GloriaGilbert.. no I meant ALL x

Aren't all mothers who collect from school school mums? So your best friend sends her kids to school and becomes a school mum, does that make her become a bitch as well?

Such a weird concept.

I have it too OP. I sympathise x

@Gemini69 Genuine question - how is it possible that ALL school gate mothers are vile? Surely when my child starts school I won't become vile? Every single mother with a school aged child?

Barbie, hope you can get help and support for this.....to be honest, it was a small incident, not worth crying over, and you are as being judgmental of those mothers as you think they are of you!

In your haste to get through, you prob hoped you could be 'invisible' and not draw attention to yourself. You were anxious about this. They interpreted this as rudeness as most people would say 'oops, sorry to barge past....poorly child in car, sorry, 'scuse me' with a smile. You interpreted their irritated comment as being rude, but they were just mildly defensive of what they thought was your rudeness!!

No big deal, honest....they'll have forgotten it by now.

Longer term, learning confidence and assertiveness will help you become more resiliant to little niggles like this. Good luck.

I had been warned about school gate politics which is why I avoid it as much as I do.

Thank you tiktok! Good advice. I feel better already.

'I just find other Mother's very critical and judgemental.'
Isn't this what you are being about other school mums too in your OP?

Sometimes people chatting though are oblivious to a) others and b) how much room they're taking up.

There's times people have responded similarly to me. I've said excuse me, often twice, i've paused waiting for them to make a move. They don't move or acknowledge me, so i try to get round them without pushing, and accidentally make bodily contact.

They react as if i've punched them in the face to move them out the way. I was once threated with being reported to school.

See also people walking very very slowly, having a leisurely chat.

Other people need to use the pavement. Move to one side if you're going to gossip and leave room for others.

I have hearing impairment and can't always hear people behind me. I usually apologise for not moving if i realise people are trying to get past and im in the way!

School gate Mothers are the vilest people on earth

Whenever you feel EVERYONE but you is rude/ weird/ whatever, you can be totally sure that, in reality, you are the rude/ weird/ whatever one. School with 400 mothers and you think you are ok, but the 399 others are vile? I think it unlikely, since almost all mothers will be school gate mothers at some point. (I hasten to add the same goes for fathers, but you zoomed in on mothers only.)

If you go to school with that belief you will only get it confirmed. They are just people. Probably many of them feel as awkward as you clearly do, look at them that way and you might change your perception.

Good point FaFoutis. I guess I never thought of that.

I have done many years of school gates. Almost everyone there is somewhat anxious about the situation (to start with at least), except for one or two psychopaths who relish it and abuse their power over the others. Almost everyone is also stressed to buggery with juggling children and work. It's a powder keg! Don't take it personally.

School gates are just places, the people there are just people. Pitching up there expecting them to be somehow different to you, and there to be loads of bitchiness and politics is just odd and will never go well.

People don't suddenly become snide bitches/bastards when they have kids and drop them at school. It's always 'mother mothers' as well, or maybe posters just don't see the bitchiness in themselves. 😂

The scurrying to safety reaction was all too familiar to me, Barbie. looking from the outside in at ds1 and a guy I know who really struggles, their very attempts at minimising interaction with other people often have the opposite effect Vs what they were hoping for.

Tiktok's analysis is spot on.

Gemini WTAF?! And OP Mothers are just people. We are not a special breed of evil. Some are nice, some are not nice. As you well know, because you are one of us.

Miniwookie this may sound daft but I don't feel like the average mother and when I take my weeones to appointments I have to pinch myself to see if it's real, like their mine! I find it at times so overwhelming and other Mum's seem to have it all under control and grown up.

Barbie, that's sad and makes me think you are living only half a life. There may be a whole load of stuff in your background preventing you from flowering in all your potential glory :)

Have you ever sought help for this? There are specific forms of talking therapy which might be great for you.

Typically there are learned behaviours in childhood that lie behind serious lack of confidence - with the right therapy you can overcome the stranglehold they have, if this applies to you.

YANBU. Blocking someone on the pavement is just as rude as pushing past them. It's a very passive-aggressive act, just as pushing past might seem "aggressive". The woman who blocked you decided to escalate it verbally, I think you were perfectly entitled to respond as you did.

Try not to let it worry you. It seems awful now, but try to just put it down as one of those things that happen to everybody from time to time. There are lots of mean, rude and nasty people out there. Sadly motherhood does not automatically make a rude person nicer, quite the opposite at times!

I was physically and mentally bullied through primary school. I never got over it.

Thank youLuxCoDepondent.

I think if I were the mother commenting, I might have felt like her initially (though would not have said anything) but would've realised you were stressed after your explanation and would have said 'Oh, ok. Sorry .' So she was in the wrong

Barbie, bullying leaves mental and emotional marks on our personalities. It's very likely the mild rebuke you got from those mums triggered all the fear and hurt again. Much of your behaviour as an adult is affected by trying to avoid attention being drawn to you so no one can say or do anything to hurt you. There is a great bullying helpline (I'll try to find a link) and they deal with ppl at all stages of life. This could be a first step to finding your way out of the horrible sticky trap those long ago bullies put you in.