To want to talk about this

[roseandlavender]

There's a soap storyline that has hit me quite hard.

When I was younger, I had an older boyfriend. Not older by loads but a big gap for the age I was at the time, and at the time he had a flat.

I would stay there all the time. And when he was out at work during the day he would leave with the only key. So I was locked in, as if I wanted to go out there would be no way back in.

You were locked in, as in you couldn't physically leave, or was it you could choose to leave but you'd have to wait until he was back with the key to get back?

Because the second one is not "locked in".

I'm sorry to hear that. It's not nice to feel trapped like that.

It's not locked in, it's just that you felt you couldn't leave but he definitely didn't lock you in.

I had that too. I never gave it a thought at the time and haven't since. Was there something else to this?

op couldn't exactly go out though if she couldn't get back in. Even if it's not by definition 'locked in' it's abusive behaviour.

OP, I disagree with PP. I think you were locked in. He could have had another cut for you and didn't.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, it's probably because there was something amiss. Trust your instincts.

Could it be that he took the key, incase you'd gone out? How else would he get in after work?
It sounds like something you've seen has stirred up some emotions you've not ta cos in a while OP. Is it something you might want to talk about further with someone?

Of course the OP was locked in, boyfriend would have left the key with her all day if she wasn't. She didn't really have a choice in the matter and it's horrible.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like quite an unpleasant memory to deal with

It doesn't matter that OP wasn't 'actually locked in'. She obviously felt that she was unable to go out because the expectation was that she was there on his return and she obviously wouldn't be if she went out and couldn't get back in!

From the way you describe it OP it sounds like you weren't comfortable asking for a key (or maybe had and he'd declined) and that you felt he was a bit out of your league or something? If so, I get you. I think most people when young have had a partner that they would probably challenge now but didn't then because they'd rather not rock the boat.

He refused to get a key cut for me. So I really was trapped in as he worked 8-8, so it was a long time. I know it doesn't sound very serious but it was horrible.

Did you live there? If not, why didn't you just go home and go round later?

Sounds serious to me - you had the choice of either staying in all day, or going out and being locked out, and there was obviously something keeping you there rather than leaving. It's valid to feel whatever you feel about it, sounds like it would be useful to talk to someone either friends or family or a professional if that would be better.

I didn't have a "home", that was home.

I'm a bit confused
did you live there?

when I was young I had an older boyfriend who took a while to get a key cut

it just meant that when I left his, I had to go back to mine...?!

I did understand that it takes time to develop enough trust in someone to even leave you to have a lie in in their home, never mind give them a key, so I didn't mind.

but are you describing "locked in"? That's a whole other conversation.

Whether you were actually locked in or not is missing the point. You were trapped. It's not right.

oh cross post
so you lived with him and didn't have a key?

Yes, that's abusive. You didn't have a key to your own home. I think that's probably against the law in some way...?

It sounds like she didn't live with him, just spent a ton of time at his place since she didn't have her own home. Sounds like she imposed herself on him.

I don't see why he should get a key for someone who he didn't consider to be his roommate? I doubt she even contributed to bills...

Maybe I did impose myself on him, I do sometimes think a lot of it's my fault, still.

badhatter what?

This is abusive behaviour. It feels horrible seeing it on TV because it makes you realise how controlling it was.

People who don't understand domestic abuse with have no idea of how powerless this type of behaviour can make you feel.

I'm very pleased to hear that the relationship ended

It was in the context of some other stuff.

I am having a hard time at the moment and I am experiencing some very negative thoughts.

Sounds tough, ignore BadHatter but you might be better posting in relationships or mental health than AIBU for more support

Thanks 😊

Are you the boyfriend, Badhatter?

You might benefit from some counselling to help you get your head round what happened.

I'm not at all surprised that there was a wider context to it or that you are worried that it was somehow your own fault. That's how domestic abusers work.

Contact your GP and ask if there is a counselling service in your area for survivors of domestic abuse. I wouldn't recommend going to a non-specialised one because I know of at least one person who was made to feel responsible for their abuser's behaviour by an unskilled counsellor.