To want to talk about this

[roseandlavender]

There's a soap storyline that has hit me quite hard.

When I was younger, I had an older boyfriend. Not older by loads but a big gap for the age I was at the time, and at the time he had a flat.

I would stay there all the time. And when he was out at work during the day he would leave with the only key. So I was locked in, as if I wanted to go out there would be no way back in.

Nah. I just don't see how OPs housing situation was the boyfriends responsibility. Sorry.

BadHatter Oh you sound like a very loving, kind, person. Most people in relationships tends to support and care for each other. It's not that it's his responsibility, but trapping her all day isn't cool - and as for your judgemental throw away comment about her not paying bills, I can only imagine you're bored today.

I probably will look into counselling at the moment but it's all so mixed up right now and I have to focus on jus getting through.

I know it sounds crazy but I think if I accessed professional help now I'd end up breaking down in order to come back together (I know it sounds mad.) And I need to keep it together.

Thing is BadHatter is right in a way.

I flung myself at him, I was ridiculously needy, he was abusive in many ways but I let him.

Badhatter isn't right, please don't blame yourself for anything. I think finding someone to talk to would be a positive step - you can only avoid painful thoughts and feelings for so long; they tend to just come out in different ways

I know, but I can't really afford it right now apart from anything else.

I'm just in a bit of a fog at the moment.

I know it sounds crazy but I think if I accessed professional help now I'd end up breaking down in order to come back together (I know it sounds mad.)

No. That makes perfect sense. A skilled counsellor will take months or years to go through this process with you at your pace.

I flung myself at him, I was ridiculously needy, he was abusive in many ways but I let him.

You are not responsible for your abuser's behaviour. There are many women around us who are in very senior, powerful jobs and go home to domestic abuse.

You need help to understand his behaviour and your own responses. It will help you make peace with yourself and set you up for healthier relationships in the future.

Please don't continue to carry this burden alone.

I sort of have to, at the moment. That's why I'm blurting things out on here!

OK. Well keep doing that but, at the same time, please find out what's available in your area in case you need to be on a waiting list.

How long were you with him?

Nearly 20 years

I don't think you "let him". It sounds like he manipulated you into accepting it. Completely different thing.

Thanks; I was desperate for affection I think.

Thanks; I was desperate for affection I think.

...and possibly desperately trying to be the person you thought you needed to be to make him happy so he would stop abusing you?

I was in a similar situation when I was 18. It bothers me a bit when I think about it. I wasn't locked in but we lived in a very rural area where I was isolated from family and friends. I didn't have a mobile phone at the time, or drive. For a long time I felt like I was wrong somehow, that I was needy/clingy etc so I see very much where you are coming from.
Hope it doesn't sound like I'm making your thread about me, I just wanted to make you feel less alone I suppose.

OP did you spend 20 years (or most of it) unable to leave your home whenever your ex p was out?

That is truly horrible coercive and controlling behaviour by him.