AIBU to just never speak to my ex again?

[GirlOnATrainToShite]

Will try not to drip feed.

DD is 17. She is struggling at college as wants to get grades for Uni. A month ago (I posted about this) her best friend messaged me telling me she is worried about DD as she is self harming. Very messy break up with girlfriend and worrying about college grades.

DD father and I divorced 10 years ago, amicable until new woman now wife on scene. She was not nice to the children, phoned up my then boss and made allegations about me, reported me for drink driving etc (none of these accusations came to anything).

She made the kids feel unwelcome to the point they stopped going (brief synopsis).

Anyway I felt after two years of NC with ex he should know what is going on with DD and we can now be parents to our almost adult children amicably. Phoned him and had a good amicable chat, agreed not to tell DD that her friend had messaged me as she is the only person she trusts so do not want to end that avenue of trust but agreed to both big her up (he's teaching her to drive so seeing her once at week ATM) offer to get her a tutor and to make it clear to her we are amicable and we want to support her. Excellent.

He suggests he gets his wife to speak to her (I have never met her in 9 yrs of them being together) I thought it was a terrible idea as they (DD and her) are not close but did not want to say so and look petty so just didn't comment either way.

Tonight the kids went there for Fathers Day (he was too busy to see them on Fathers Day) and stepmum has taken DD upstairs for a "chat" tells her everything. Everyone is worried about her and she has been "nominated" to tell her (I know this as DD BF screen shots the convo to me).

DD does not open up to her and comes home furiously messaging her friend angry she has broken her trust. I have taken the blame saying that I phoned the friend and I saw the mark while she was sleeping. DD has still not discussed with me I only know via her friend who was panicking DD was going to find out she has (rightly) told me her worries for DD.

But FFS AIBU to be fucking furious DD SM has just used my DDs painful situation as a point scoring exercise and waded in do crassly.

All I care about is DD being ok and supported and now SM has caused this massive shit storm - I am so pissed off her dad can't support DD with me in this without allowing the stupid cow to make it all about her.

Bitterly regretting extending the olive branch.

Your OP says that you and ex are NC, but also that he is teaching her to drive so seeing her once a week.

So this suggests to me that although you and he may be NC, he and your DD are not.

That was clearly working, so go back to that. You're not angry with your ex here, you're angry with his new partner. You have every reason to be. So, yeah, back off and don't give her the opportunity. It's not like your DD's missing out on dad time if they have a relationship.

I am NC the kids are not - they stopped going about 2/3 years ago and saw him very infrequently until the driving lessons - so I figured him being in a car with him two hours a week might be able to talk to her.

*her

Ds1 (19) also got on his high horse saying his dad should know I have explained to him tonight that this is the exact reason I do not involve him in anything.

Talk to her - tell her you are there for her and will get her help.

She needs help. Take the lead, be the parent, and get her some professional help.

How do you think she feels knowing you know and didn't talk to her, but instead spoke to a woman she isn't close to.

she knows is you "saw the mark" and you never mentioned it to her?

Seriously, your child is doing this and you haven't even approached her about it? You haven't even sought professional help? Wow

To be honest it sounds like you are too pissed off with your ex-DH to worry about your child

Firstly - I work with young people who self harm.

My DD chose not to speak to me she chose to speak to her friend while very drunk.

Friend messaged me and I felt it was best for friend to support DD as did not want to "expose" friend as having betrayed her and discourage DD from trusting anyone. I have sent friend links to the counselling service at DDs college and other websites etc and she has gently tried to introduce these to DD.

If I go in with all guns blazing I will ruin my DDs friendship and she will refuse to talk to anyone.

Secondly I did not speak to the women - her DAD did - read the OP.

I went no contact with ex a couple of months ago, my two are 16 and 14. They're old enough to arrange things with him directly now.

Life is so much better not having to talk to him.

Yes I had no contact for 2 years - but stupidly thought he would support DD

Personally I think I'd go no contact again. It didn't help. If anything it's made it worse but you tried. Try and talk to your daughter tomorrow and get her some help. It'll be better to talk when you are both calmer anyway

But as far as she is aware you have seen the marks and not said anything to her but managed to speak to her dad? How do you think that looks to her. "Mum knew but spoke about it to dad who told his DW before talking to me" (Sorry misread the OP about speaking to dad/his wife).

My mum ignored my "marks". I knew she had seen them but she did nothing.

Personally, I think you should be more concerned about getting your daughter help than worrying about what her dad said to his wife.

If my mum had helped when she first noticed I wouldn't be wearing long sleeves in this weather and making excuses about not feeling the heat!

She doesn't want to talk about it or want help.

I haven't seen the marks - her friend had to tell her I did to cover her arse.

She only knows or thinks I have seen them since this evening! When SM had her "chat" with her!

I can crash in there like a Bull in a China shop and tell DD her friend has been messaging me and potentially alienate her from everyone.

But she needs help.

I agree she may not thank her friend initially, but she will in the end.

I didn't thank my friend but once I got the help I needed I understood it came from a good place and will be eternally grateful.

But I am now left with horrendous scars which are clearly obvious came from self harming so I have no excuses. I have to think about what I wear every day, I can't wear short sleeves as it doesn't look good in a professional environment, Nor do I feel comfortable with them on show anyway (I'm not one to be "these are my battle scars"), If i do wear short sleeves (in extreme circumstances) I have to think
About how I am sitting and how I can hide them, my wedding dress (and time of year) was based around how I could hide them. Even going for blood tests are a worry.

Honestly, it's been 20 years and it effects my every day life.

Get her help, don't let it go so far she ends up how I am.

loafer

My daughters experience is not yours and maybe you also need help.

She isn't ready to admit she is doing it - what good is forcing her into a room with a therapist going to do?

How do you suggest I "make" her access this help?

Surely better to encourage her to do it herself from behind the scenes, showing her where to get help without making her feel like she is no longer in control

I disagree with you OP.

'all guns blazing'? No, not appropriate.

Telling your daughter you've heard this (I'm sorry if it would feel like throwing the friend under the bus) and reassuring her it's common, nothing to be ashamed of and definitely something you will support her with would have been, and still IS, the right thing to do.

The friend told you. She doesn't want to be responsible for your daughter's mental health, no matter how many links you provide them with.

You can repair this with your daughter by apologising sharing her personal information and that you thought you were doing the right thing but it turned out wrong.

It will help her to see that you are human and capable of getting things wrong too.

Whether or not she accepts any apologies or or help from you is up to her, but it needs to be explicit that the help and love is there from you, and she is not just a problem to be palmed off (if that's how she's feeling)

I think you need to tell your ex that whilst you "appreciate she was trying to help" you don't think his wife should have dealt with the situation in the way she did.

If you had spoken up when he asked you if you wanted her to talk to DD this wouldn't have happened.

Avoiding talking to him isn't going to solve anything, you have children together and you need to communicate like adults.

I don't get this.

A month ago you found out your 17 year old daughter was self harming and you did nothing whatsoever except pass on some links to her mate?

WTF???

And basically you rang her Dad and told him and both of you decided to do nothing but "big her up"??

You all sound bloody clueless.

And the only person who goes "right, someone has to actually talk to her about this" is vilified and demonised.

Lovely.

I think some of the replies here are a bit harsh. You know your daughter so deal with it as you think best, if you work with people who self harm I'm guessing you're clued up on how to help.

TBH I'd be furious with my ex if he did this. I understand him telling his wife about the situation but he should have told her to stay out of it. Why did he feel she was the best person to talk to your dd? Personally I'd let him know how bad the fallout has been from his wife's chat with dd. I think I'd also go back to NC unless absolutely necessary. for such a difficult situation, OP.

Yes exactly - where has constructive help been for the daughter this past month? If it wasn't for the SM, nobody would have approached her at all.

What do you think would happen when my DD was "approached" then stopped talking to her friend and was then totally isolated?

You can't force an adult to take help. Christ, I can't even force my 14yo to get help for her self harming.

I can get her an appointments, I can't make her talk so she ends up being discharged.

YANBU regarding the ex. What a mess he made of it all.

I hope your DD recovers soon.