AIBU to just never speak to my ex again?

[GirlOnATrainToShite]

Will try not to drip feed.

DD is 17. She is struggling at college as wants to get grades for Uni. A month ago (I posted about this) her best friend messaged me telling me she is worried about DD as she is self harming. Very messy break up with girlfriend and worrying about college grades.

DD father and I divorced 10 years ago, amicable until new woman now wife on scene. She was not nice to the children, phoned up my then boss and made allegations about me, reported me for drink driving etc (none of these accusations came to anything).

She made the kids feel unwelcome to the point they stopped going (brief synopsis).

Anyway I felt after two years of NC with ex he should know what is going on with DD and we can now be parents to our almost adult children amicably. Phoned him and had a good amicable chat, agreed not to tell DD that her friend had messaged me as she is the only person she trusts so do not want to end that avenue of trust but agreed to both big her up (he's teaching her to drive so seeing her once at week ATM) offer to get her a tutor and to make it clear to her we are amicable and we want to support her. Excellent.

He suggests he gets his wife to speak to her (I have never met her in 9 yrs of them being together) I thought it was a terrible idea as they (DD and her) are not close but did not want to say so and look petty so just didn't comment either way.

Tonight the kids went there for Fathers Day (he was too busy to see them on Fathers Day) and stepmum has taken DD upstairs for a "chat" tells her everything. Everyone is worried about her and she has been "nominated" to tell her (I know this as DD BF screen shots the convo to me).

DD does not open up to her and comes home furiously messaging her friend angry she has broken her trust. I have taken the blame saying that I phoned the friend and I saw the mark while she was sleeping. DD has still not discussed with me I only know via her friend who was panicking DD was going to find out she has (rightly) told me her worries for DD.

But FFS AIBU to be fucking furious DD SM has just used my DDs painful situation as a point scoring exercise and waded in do crassly.

All I care about is DD being ok and supported and now SM has caused this massive shit storm - I am so pissed off her dad can't support DD with me in this without allowing the stupid cow to make it all about her.

Bitterly regretting extending the olive branch.

She not an adult. She's 17. Presumably the friend on whose shoulders all this has been thrust is also a teen.

I can't understand the way you are handling it especially as you say you work with self-harmers. Why would you send links to her friend rather than talk to your own daughter and offer her support and get her medical help?

No one would suggest all guns blazing, that's your expression, but to deal with it using third parties is plain stupid.

Without knowing that her mother cared she is totally isolated anyway. Acknowledging the problem doesn't make the problem bigger.

I too work with self -harming teenagers, I'm surprised our approaches are so different (although that being said, 'best practice' sometimes goes out the window when our own kids are involved- I know mine does!)

Anyway, your AIBU was about your ex. Forget him for now. Focus on helping your daughter.

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but it just seems like your focus is a little off right now.

How do you get them help when they don't want it?

Her best friend is 25.

I have consulted with colleagues for advice.

There have been two incidents that I know of.

If I had seen the mark myself of course I would have approached her but I did not and I do not want to throw her friend under the bus.

Her friend who is 25 is trying to persuade DD to access the counselling service at college.

I have made time to take DD out just us and have given her the opportunity to talk.

When your ex suggested that SM should talk to her why didn't you say no? why the silence? then you could have decided who should talk to her. It sounds like SM was the worst person on the earth to talk to her about this.

I would seek some professional advice on how to approach this, maybe make an appointment with your own GP or in confidence with a counsellor in school.

I wasn't asking for advice about the self harm - I am a professional - however not arrogant enough to think I am best placed to support my daughter.

Mumsnet may not like the way I am handling this but having intimate knowledge of the situation I know that the softly softly approach is the best thing to do for my DD.