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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at the lack of support?

35 replies

MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 19:59

Dd2 is 6 and has ASD.

I knew we were in for a tough evening as she came home from school particularly stressed and emotional .

Bedtime has been a disaster and she has epically lost all control .

I've had to leave her in her room to calm whilst I sort the other two DC for bed also . Now they are playing up in the chaos.

DH has fucked off out to his mates.

I've text him a few times just to vent and you know for a bit of support . Nothing .

I text my mum (who doesn't actually believe in Autism Hmm ) , just explaining DD is having a tough time and again , just for someone to talk to .
Nothing .

This happens every fucking time !

I will mention things to my parents now and again about how we are helping DD and they roll their eyes and dismiss me - I'm just desperate for someone to understand how tough this is !

I'm trying my best to figure out triggers and ways to help DD and DH hasn't read a single thing / research . Nada.

I'm left to figure it all out myself with no support and I'm pissed off tonight ! I'm keeping my calm with the DC .

It's been an hour and DD is still frantic .

I can't do anything for her , so I'm hiding in the bathroom for a breather !

AIBU or a bit needy by reaching out to people ?

I'm beginning to feel like a nuisance - but it's so stressful at times and we rarely get a break ! Angry

OP posts:
HildaOg · 21/06/2017 20:09

That sounds so stressful and it's extremely unfair that you've been left alone to deal with this. Yanbu. There's a lot of people who have gone through the same as you and will have good advice. Have you tried the mumsnet special needs board?

PeaFaceMcgee · 21/06/2017 20:10

Yanbu and your family and husband sound useless - worse than useless actually. It's not needy to expect some support and I would be fuming at your DH if he deliberately left you to it on your own. Stern words would be had.

WonderfullySunny · 21/06/2017 20:12

I didn't want to read and run 🌺 I don't have any advice for DD but it's completely not fair that DH has left you to it. Does he go out often with his mates? Was this last minute? Does he help with DD at other times?

Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 20:15

Yes it was last minute he went out - he decided he was going to go out whilst I had DD on my knee consoling her over something else .

He doesn't seem to grasp that when she is stressed it is very likely to lead to melt down whereas I can tell and I try my best to deal with it if I can .

OP posts:
Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 20:23

My mum has replied saying I need to "get tougher and she'll soon learn " .

I'm not even sure why I bothered to text her Hmm

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 21/06/2017 20:24

Honestly? DH is an arse and needs a good talking to. And your mum? JFHC! Unreal.

GinSwigmore · 21/06/2017 20:30

Oh lovey, am so sorry. Are they safe enough for you to go and make yourself a cuppa. Can you separate the siblings so she has some space? It is relentless and hard especially without support. Hugs to you. Brew

Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 20:35

I've just done this whole thing with DS if you need to vent message me hun,
I've joined you in the hiding in the bathroom club haha

Msqueen33 · 21/06/2017 20:36

Hugs. Two dds with autism here (7,4). My dh has barely read anything. Youngest also has an autoimmune disease aswell and again he hasn't read anything. He's dumped me to go out at bedtime and trying to put all three of ours to bed.

I'd look outside the family and join a support group, the Sen boards on here are great as well.

Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 20:38

I agree DH is an arse and I'm going to talk to him tonight and tell him he needs to step up! Angry

DC are safe and the two little ones have finally crashed out asleep .

DD is in her room , calming down .

I've turned off all her lights and given her the baby's dream light thingy me bob Blush it seems to be helping !

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 20:41

The carers service works brilliantly for me, paired me up with a mum who's in a similar situation and I have someone to rant to when it's a hard day

Have you tried a light up star night light? Mine lays in bed looking at them spinning round in the dark to calm down when he needs to

Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 21:00

Queenofthestress it's not easy is it ?!

MsQueen I take my hat off to you dealing with 2 children with ASD Gin

OP posts:
Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 21:01

She seems to have enjoyed the babies dream light night so a star one might work . I'll take a look for one .

OP posts:
mermaidsandunicorns · 21/06/2017 21:04

Water always calms my ds are u able to get her in the bath at all

GinSwigmore · 21/06/2017 21:05

Whatever it takes.
Fibre optic lamps or rotating magic lamps are good if you were thinking of getting something else now she's older but whatever does the trick.

Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 21:10

I wouldn't be able to get her in the bath unfortunately as when she is in full meltdown she will thrash out .

She has calmed considerably now after the dream light and me "swaddling" her tight .

Her teachers say she is an absolute angel at school , this is the one aspect of it I struggle to understand Confused

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 21:10

£14.99 from Amazon!
And oh my god no, no it is not, I've had the baby screaming in one room and DS sat trying to kick me whilst screeching while trying to get pjs on, all stemming from one bloody stupid teacher standing too close repeating the same question after I'd told her 4 times that she needs to back off
I had to physically pick him up and restrain him from kicking the teacher and he's only in nursery

Queenofthestress · 21/06/2017 21:12

With girls they usually are more able to bottle it up at school then release it in their 'safe space' ie at home so you see the behaviour more

Msqueen33 · 21/06/2017 21:13

I survive. Just.

Does she have support at school? Typically a lot of girls with asd at school mask it so when they get home they explode from having to hold their feelings all in.

endofthelinefinally · 21/06/2017 21:13

Would relaxation cds help along with the stars?

ALemonyPea · 21/06/2017 21:14

It is hard work, your DH needs to step up and help, not dick around with his friends.

I have a DS with autism, and if he has had a bad day, a cool bath usually helps calm him. The hot weather won't be helping moods either. I had his bath ready for him coming in today and steered him that way as soon as he came in.

Hope things calm down tonight for you 💐

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/06/2017 21:16

Swaddling used to work here when DS1 (now 11) was little and overexcited at bedtime. He also loves listening to meditation cds. Amazon does one for children that's fab.

DS1's Dad doesn't believe in ASD and doesn't know the first thing about DS1's behaviours. He says ASD is just another pointless label. Fortunately DH is more switched on, but the most support I've found is from a local parents group who are genuinely wonderful people. One woman in particular has a DS a year older than mine and our journeys with our DCs couldn't have been more similar if we'd tried.

Look further afield for help, certainly. But also let DH know how cross you are about him buggering off out tonight; a marriage is a support mechanism in itself; his first thought should always be "what can I do to help here" not "how can I escape". Remind him of that.

GinSwigmore · 21/06/2017 21:18

Possibly she has saved it all up for you as you are safe and all the stress has to come out somewhere. High functioning aspie girls are able to mask more then you get the flak when the pressure valve is released (subjective, ime only). Hope you are feeling you can breathe now, go and get that tea.

Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 21:18

Thank you so much for all of the advice I'm really thankful .

DH is still none the wiser - they are watching sports over at his mates so he's obviously tuned out Hmm

I'll look on Amazon for a star light !

I suppose that makes sense about holding it in at school , I've read that before , but I just find it very difficult to get used to the idea and I often wonder if it's my parenting !

My doubting family don't exactly help with that !

No support in school at the moment as DD is very early in the assessment process (we know she has ASD and her consultant has confirmed it , but not officially ) .

School just say they have no concerns . Helpfully !

OP posts:
Original poster
MolesLikeCheese · 21/06/2017 21:19

I've added relaxation CDs to my list too ! Cake

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